Self Delusions of Angela May

Humanitarian Services

2010-01-27T22:10:00.001-05:00

I don't have much time to blog these days but was asked to post this link in support of the efforts of the LDS Church in Haiti. The thing I like about the LDS Humanitarian Services is that 100% of the money donated goes to help out. Administrative costs are taken from other funding sources. Click the link below to learn more and donate:

Humanitarian Services

My Eternal Dilemma

2009-10-04T14:50:00.009-04:00

About a year and a half ago my parents came for a visit and we really had a great time visiting the sites and just spending time together. Then one afternoon we were sitting around the table chit chatting when my father felt it necessary to remind me that I would not be with my husband forever because we had not been married in the temple. For those not familiar with the Mormon faith, the temple is considered more sacred than an ordinary church building and it is where special ceremonies are performed. In the case of a temple marriage ceremony, it is meant to bind a husband and wife together beyond death thus it is called an eternal marriage.

The concept of being with your family forever is really wonderful (ok maybe not for someone who had a really bad family but imagine a very loving family here). Because I love my husband deeply, I want nothing more than to have an assurance that our association and love will continue beyond death.

I didn't appreciate my father's reminder. To me it was obvious he was trying to manipulate my emotions to make me feel guilty about my choice not to get married in the temple. I tried to explain why I made the choice but a subsequent letter from my mother after they had returned home confirmed that they really hadn't heard me.

Going to the temple to get married isn't like showing up for church on Sunday morning. You have to get a temple recommend which is a certification that you are living a life worthy of entrance into the temple. What is considered worthy? Well, you can't be smoking, drinking or having sex outside of marriage. There are also questions asked about whether or not you support church leaders and if you belong to groups that oppose church doctrines.

It's this last bit that I struggle with. I don't have a problem supporting leaders even if I don't always agree with them as long as I feel that they are sincerely seeking the best for those they are leading. Just because someone is denoted as a leader doesn't mean they are immediately perfect and I understand that I can't hold minor imperfections against people in leadership positions. In many cases, they are simply doing the best that they know how. However, I am very concerned when it is expected that my "support" be more like blind following. Often I do not feel free to question something a church leader has said or done. I'm not talking about questioning in a critical way but questioning in an "I'm trying to understand" way. Blind following is what leads hundreds of people to drink poisoned lemonade and I don't want to be part of anything like that.

I also struggle with the fact that I do disagree with some purported church doctrines. I have for years distinguished between the church and the gospel. The gospel is what Christ taught in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon. It is simple and easy to understand. The church is an organization of men and women who are trying to live the gospel and they have developed programs and meetings and anything else that they can think of to help people live the gospel. However, all the various aids are not the gospel. While they may help some they are not what is important. Sometimes, I feel that the church and everything that goes with it are the things that are made to be important and the simple, easy to understand gospel is forgotten.

To me the gospel of Christ is captured in just two commandments which I quote from the New Testament in Matthew Chapter 22:
"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."
I believe that any doctrine must comply with these two commandments.

Some of the things that the church has done and continues to support do not really comply with these two commandments. For example, while the church doesn't currently practice polygamy, they did when the church first started. That practice caused so much heartache and pain for so many women and some men that it doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself". Additionally, the mentality that women are subject to men is not completely gone from the church. In my family, this subjugation was cast in the light that men were to be responsible and care for their wives and daughters. It was OK for women to defer to men because the men were heroic and noble protectors of women. Of course the men would never do anything to harm a woman! Well the reality of this situation in my experience was that I felt like a second-class citizen in my own family. While my brothers were encouraged, I was restricted. When my brothers got jobs in high-school they were industrious. When I asked permission to get a job (other than babysitting) I apparently was inferring that my father was unable to take care of me which was an insult. Keeping women from holding the priesthood and most leadership positions seems to reinforce the sense of entitlement that many men have and unfortunately abuse of women in varying degrees. Again it just doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself".

While my concerns about how women fit into the church culture are the most significant cause for my doubt in the validity of the church, there are other doctrines that also cause me concern. It is however, the doubt which I feel that keeps me away from the promised eternal marriage with my husband. If I doubt that some aspects of the church are true and sanctioned by God, then how can I be sure that the temple marriage ceremony will indeed guarantee that I will be with my husband after death?

The temptation is to go through the ceremony, just in case it is what it purports to be. However, it's not as simple as that. In parts of the temple ceremony, participants are asked to make commitments to live God's commandments and of course it is implied that God's commandments are the doctrines of the church. Because the temple ceremonies are considered sacred, participants are also asked to keep the proceedings secret. What is disturbing to me is that the promise to keep the secret is something like "I'd rather disembowel myself than reveal the sacred ceremonies" (I am paraphrasing what I heard from others who have gone to the temple.) It just feels a little too much like "drink the poisoned lemonade". I take my commitments seriously and I would feel like a hypocrite going through the motions and making commitments when I'm not entirely sure that there is any truth to the promises of the temple.

This is really very hard for me, particularly now as my husband and I prepare for the birth of our baby. Of course I want that reassurance that we will still be a family even after death. That death will not separate us. But I don't know if the temple ceremonies can actually provide this. Many people believe it will, but honestly no one living knows this. Do I sacrifice my integrity and pretend to agree with things just to go through this temple ceremony? How can God expect me to follow through on a commitment to keep his commandments if I trade in my integrity on this? So much about God is speculation anyway; maybe God doesn't require ceremonies to bind a family together. Maybe it's the love that we feel for one another that binds us. To me the love is much more real than any ceremony.

Back from the Brink

2009-09-05T21:06:00.005-04:00

Honestly, I was not as close to the brink as it may have felt to me. This pregnancy has been tiring, painful and filled with fear. I have asked the inevitable but pointless question of "why me" on a number of occasions. The past week or so has been better as judged by the fact that I no longer need to take Tylenol every 4 hours. I'm actually making it a whole 24 hours at a time! I've been hesitant to celebrate for fear that I might jinx myself. I'm not normally superstitious but I figure there is no harm in playing it safe.

With all of that, I have still been able to go to work and manage well enough. Obviously, things like blog writing and reading were not a priority and most evenings I spent lying on the couch recuperating from an exhausting day. Today was probably the most productive day that I have spent at home in the last 5 months. I'm rebuilding my computer (hard drive died), I helped a friend get her computer fixed, I went to the baby store with my husband to look at cribs and I even cleaned up my desk a bit. It made me feel like I had just emerged from a thunderstorm and finally stood in the sun.

It's hard sometimes for me when I'm not feeling well to appreciate that I'm not as bad off as I could be. For some reason, I always focus on what I'm not able to do instead of what I am able to do. Yes, I was able to get up and go to work everyday and be somewhat productive at work. Did I congratulate myself for that accomplishment? No, I felt cheated because I was constantly taking pain killers and patiently listening to co-workers comment on how big I am. I was depressed because I came home and retreated to the couch where I lay night after night watching stupid TV serials because they took my mind off the pain that the pain killers didn't kill (I refused to take the narcotics that my OB prescribed).

Now, if I had been really bad off I would have been taking the narcotics because the severity of the pain would have driven me to it. If I had been really bad off I would have be confined to bed. Above all, I have to thank God every day that our little one is hanging in there and appears to be developing as expected. While I may be hurting, our baby is healthy!

I think my problem is that I focus on what others are able to do. I watched my sister manage a difficult pregnancy while she also took care of her other two children. I remember reading blog posts from women who were raising several children, managing their homes and still posting well-though-out, lengthy posts to their blogs. I quickly came to the realization that I can't compete.

I don't know why I can't do everything that I see others doing. Maybe it's really not that important to me? Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe my ADD has more of an impact on my life then I want to admit? I watch the high-powered moms in awe and I want to keep up and do what they do but I'm just too tired and I hurt too much.

So, I'm back from the brink and feeling better. Still way too big for being 5 months pregnant and still in a little pain but really much, much better. However, I'm not making any promises to post on a regular basis or to meet the high standard being set by the moms I know. I just hope to continue, as my doctor put it "tolerating it well".

If I had the Time

2009-06-27T14:11:00.003-04:00

If I had the Time ... and energy of course.
I'd comment on every blog post that interested me.
I'd write clever and well thought out posts on my own blog.

I'd watch a movie every evening with my husband.
I'd reply to every email I receive.
I'd call my family members regularly (more than once a year).

I'd finish all those crafty projects that seemed like such good ideas at the time.
Projects with all the materials purchased but stored in my closet because there simple wasn't time or energy ... or both.

Then of course, I'd write a book about all I'd achieved because I had time and energy.
I'm sure I'd make millions because everyone would like to know ...
How in the world did she get all the time and energy?

I know this because that's what I wonder about the people I read about ...
when I have time ... and energy of course.

Complaining

2009-06-20T12:35:00.004-04:00

So, I'm really happy to be pregnant and all the ultrasounds show a healthy active baby. So, what is there to complain about? Well, I have Behcet's disease which is an autoimmune disorder that causes all kinds of problems. It's not a big deal when I take the immune suppressing medicine I'm prescribed but I'm not supposed to take any medicine when I'm pregnant. Also, the pregnancy hormones affect the severity of the symptoms. Bottom-line I'm getting hammered. Ulcers through out my digestive tract, bruise-like lesions on my legs, inflamed sinuses and now I have a new symptom of raised itchy bumps on my legs. Since all these symptoms are quite uncomfortable, I'm finding it difficult to sleep and lack of sleep is a contributor to the severity of the Behcet's symptoms.

Last week, I had to be put on a course of steroids because the symptoms got so bad that I thought I might miscarry. Fortunately, after a trip to the emergency room the doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was not in jeopardy. No sooner had I gotten off the steroids that many of the symptoms returned. A couple of days ago, I finally crashed and slept for 11 hours. It felt so good but I still woke up tired.

So, I'm sitting on my couch, still in my pajamas and feeling sorry for myself wondering how in the world am I going to get through the next 6 months of this pregnancy.

Answering Some Questions

2009-05-30T18:35:00.014-04:00

My friend Zhu (who I think is the only person who reads my blog) asked me some questions about Mormonism. This post is my attempt to answer those questions.

Question 1: Why is religion so important in North America (the Mormon perspective).

First, I should mention that I obviously don't know the exact answer to this question. Perhaps a well funded research project could accurately answer the question but I'm not well funded and have limited time so I'm just giving my opinion.

This is a very interesting question, particularly considering that most of North American culture is just an extension of European culture since most of us immigrated from Europe at some point in the past. So, why has religion become less important for Europeans while continuing to be very important for North Americans?

I do think that the original reasons that brought people to North America have strongly influenced the North American culture as it started to diverge from European culture. The early settlers came to North America to escape religious persecution in their home countries. At the time that North America was being settled the governments in Europe were heavily influenced or outright run by religious organizations. Cults took membership away from the recognized religious organizations which was equal to a loss of revenue. The persecution of these cults was a way to prevent further loss of membership. Cults were painted as strange and evil and people were taught that joining a cult would mean eternal damnation.

The early settlers of North America who came for religious freedom were very pious and believed very strongly that their religion was the only thing protecting them from the evils of the devil. By the time Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) came along there were quite a number of religious sects and they were all trying to build up their congregations. Joseph Smith took to heart a verse in the Bible, John 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." As the story goes, Joseph's answer to his prayer about which church to join was a visit from God the Father and Jesus Christ telling him that none of the existing churches were correct. Of course when Joseph shared this story with people he became persecuted as well as anyone who did believe his story. The persecution eventually led to his murder.

In between that first prayer and Joseph Smith's murder a lot of stuff happened but I'm trying to keep it brief. The key points are that Joseph received and translated an ancient record known as the Book of Mormon (this is where the Mormon nickname came from). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was formed. Joseph received other revelations which became the Doctrine and Covenants. There was also another ancient record that Joseph translated and became the Pearl of Great Price. So, basically we have more scriptures than just the Bible.

There are two points to this background. First, Mormons got a double dose of persecution and we are brought up on stories about how people died for the right to believe as they wanted and were chased from England (in my family's case) to New England and then all the way to Utah when they converted to Mormonism.

The second point relates to the additional scriptures. Not only were we taught to fiercely defend our right to worship as we choose, we also had scripture that contained dire warnings for people who failed to live according to the gospel doctrine. To be clear this is not the "all sinners will go to hell and eternal damnation" line. Mormons are very much believers in natural consequences. Such as if you take drugs they will destroy your brain. It's a natural consequence not God out to get you for being a sinner.

The particular scripture that I am thinking about is from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is an account of a group of Israelites who left Jerusalem 600 years prior to the birth of Jesus and travelled to the Western Hemisphere. They established a civilization that after some time became a democracy. When they became a democracy they were advised: "if the time should come that the voice of this people should choose iniquity, that is, if the time should come that this people should fall into transgression, they would be ripe for destruction." (Alma 10:19) The historian William Durant said basically the same thing with out the religious context: "A Great Civilization Is Not Conquered from without until It Destroys Itself from Within"

So, the Mormons (in general) are essentially concerned the entire country will be destroyed if we elect leaders who do not support "Christian" values. I put quotations around "Christian" because values such as honesty, kindness, fidelity, temperance, etc. are not specific to any religion. However, talking to some Christians you would think that they invented these values. Mormons and I think some other Christians (again in general) get even more specific in the values they feel must be promoted by their government because they feel that support of abortion, homosexual marriage and other things they consider to be sinful is choosing iniquity. So, this is why in my opinion you have people voting for politicians who claim to have the same religious views. It is why religion is so important. If you vote for or support someone that doesn't share your view of what is evil then it is no different then choosing evil yourself. Choosing evil = destruction of civilization as we know it = eternal damnation.

Now for the irony of this whole thing. In the religious right mindset, supporting abortion and homosexual marriage is bad but invading another country, killing hundreds of that country's citizens and torturing people is OK. To ease the conscience claim this is done as self defense (never mind that the country in question never attacked the United States).

It is particularly sad to me to see so many Mormons fit into this mindset (including most of my extended family). Mormons are taught to “liken” the scriptures to them, meaning that we are to learn from the stories and choose better paths. Early on in the Book of Mormon the people split into two groups the Nephites and Lamanites. To keep it simple, the Nephites were usually the good people and the Lamanites were the bad people. Now, towards the end of the Book of Mormon, this civilization of people is coming to an end because the two groups are fighting until the elimination of each other.

At the beginning of this final conflict, the Lamanites would attack the Nephites but in most cases the Nephites prevailed because they had their defenses prepared but the Nephites became full of themselves. “And now, because of this great thing which my people, the Nephites, had done, they began to boast in their own strength, and began to swear before the heavens that they would avenge themselves of the blood of their brethren who had been slain by their enemies. And they did swear by the heavens, and also by the throne of God, that they would go up to battle against their enemies, and would cut them off from the face of the land. And it came to pass that I, Mormon, did utterly refuse from this time forth to be a commander and a leader of this people, because of their wickedness and abomination.” (Mormon 3:9-11) The Nephites wickedness was that they were murders, robbers, rapists and war mongers. It was not because they didn’t fit into a tight definition of a “good Christian”.

The Nephites took to going on the offensive and when they did they failed. When the Lamanites attacked and the Nephites were in the defenses they had built around their cities the Nephites were able to successfully repel the Lamanites. Mormon later wrote a letter to his son Moroni describing how bad things had gotten: “And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue—And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery. O my beloved son, how can a people like this, that are without civilization— (And only a few years have passed away, and they were a civil and a delightsome people) But O my son, how can a people like this, whose delight is in so much abomination— How can we expect that God will stay his hand in judgment against us?” (Moroni 9:9-14)

Now, I’m not saying that the actions of the United States are to the degree of what is described above but I do see similarities in how the United States got involved in Iraq. I also see similarities in the attitude of revenge and the willingness to torture and kill others. Americans worry that having a pro-choice president will mean that the country is going to hell in a hand basket but don’t think twice about the atrocities that are sanctioned by our government overseas.

Just a quick note … I am very appreciative of our military and I am not attributing the evils that I see to the individuals in the military. I feel that it is the leaders of our country who have been irresponsible and have put our military in a compromised position. I feel that they have done this not to protect freedom as they claim but for their own gains whether that be political, financial or egotistical.

There will be future posts with the other questions but this post is quite long enough.

The Latest on the Baby Front

2009-05-29T17:24:00.004-04:00

Yes, I had an appointment today but we didn't get to hear the baby's heartbeat. I have this big ol' fibroid on my uterous that prevents us from hearing the heartbeat. We did get to see the baby once again on the ultrasound and this time it actually looks like a baby, about the size of a grape. On the ultrasound we could see the heart beating and the baby even moved while we were watching.

It's starting to seem more real now and I guess we'll have to start telling people because the other side effect of this fibroid is that I look about 5 months pregnant even though I'm only 2 months pregnant.

Creating a Universalist Mormon

2009-05-20T20:59:00.004-04:00

My husband and I have been talking about what traditions we want to teach our child. We both agree that there are some aspects of Mormon culture (to be distinguished from the doctrine taught in the Book of Mormon) that we do not want our child to learn.

One of these aspects that was prominent in my childhood was the tradition of excluding anything or anyone that was not "Mormon". The books in our house had to be sanctified by my parents as pro-Mormon and our friends had to be active Mormons. My husband and I don't want that life for our child, we want our child to be exposed to and appreciate all of the world's religions and all of the world's cultures. We hope that our child will have a variety of friends; we only ask that they are good kids.

The question is how do we accomplish this goal. I enjoy attending the Mormon congregation that I attend. I have friends there and I like the feeling of community that I get being part of the congregation. I have good memories of attending the children's classes and as a teenager participating in the youth activities. Just because I don't like some aspects of the Mormon culture, I don't want to discard the things that were good and beneficial.

However, if we allow our child to participate in the activities, our child is going to be exposed to the aspects of Mormon culture that we don't like. While it is going to be a challenge to ensure that our child doesn't accept the teachings that are not in line with our beliefs, we are going to have the challenge regardless. Each place our child goes, whether it be church, school or friends homes he/she is going to be exposed to beliefs with which we don't agree.

So, we'll continue to attend our Mormon congregation and make sure we are talking to our child and correcting any teachings that disagree with our beliefs. We will also take our child to the Thai Buddhist temple that we like to visit from time to time. We will probably also take our child to other congregations of other denominations. We already have a wide variety of books and our discussions among ourselves cover a number of topics that are not always pro-Mormon. The reality is that my husband and I are open and accepting so chances are that is what our child will learn.

Our desire to raise our child in an open and accepting environment is not against Mormon beliefs. This openness seems to be something that has been conveniently forgotten when it doesn't benefit the believer. Our 13th article of faith says: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."". In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that supports acceptance: "For behold, the Lord doth grant [teachers] unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true." (Alma 29:8) I added the word teachers to provide some context. If the Lord gave teachings to all nations then all religions are from the Lord and there is truth to be learned from them.

Interestingly enough a recent edition of Newsweek had an article about Huston Smith who wrote the book "The World's Religions". As Newsweek describes the book, it summarizes the most important and valuable aspects of the 8 main religions of the world. To quote Newsweek: "Smith introduced Americans to the notion that the world is full of all kinds of believers and that an educated person might learn a thing or two from another's faith." My interest was definitely peeked. I checked the book out of the library and I'm currently reading it. I'm loving it!

The Newsweek article called Huston Smith's beliefs universalism. His Universalism had a Methodist swing because he grew up Methodist. Maybe my child will be a Universalist Mormon!

We have a heartbeat and ...

2009-05-05T21:58:00.002-04:00

Morning sickness (all day)! So, I'm feeling a little less worried and more hopeful. We only saw the heartbeat because the ultrasound was so early. The baby is nothing more than a fuzzy shape on the screen and the heartbeat is a blinking light in the middle of the fuzzy shape.

The morning sickness is annoyingly miserable so I have mixed feelings about it. I'm glad to have the symptoms that confirm I'm pregnant but I'm also not enjoying it at all.

The highest risk doesn't pass until the 10th to 12th week when we can hear the heartbeat through the doppler. Another month to go. The time seems to be going by so slowly!! A few months ago time felt like it was rushing by. Isn't it funny how our perspective changes.

Why I am Disappointed in my Country

2009-04-25T20:26:00.003-04:00

Two things happened today. First, I received an email from my uncle that was basically a complaint to President Obama about his approach to the international community. If the email is true, Obama apologized for some of President Bush's and America's actions in a speech he gave overseas. The writer of the email felt that in doing so, President Obama made America appear weak. Of course, the sacrifices of American soldiers during World War II were brought up to say that President Obama had disgraced those sacrifices.

The second thing that happened is that I watched the movie Innocent Voices about the El Salvador civil war. The movie highlights the practice of "recruiting" young boys into the El Salvador army by following one boy as he goes through the months preceding his 12th birthday. The age of 12 is when boys are most likely to be forced into the army so their choice is to either wait until they are picked up by the El Salvador army or join the guerrillas. The US government supported the El Salvador army and even sent troops to train the army. The US troops were training these 12 year old boys to be soldiers!!

Here's a link to a PBS site with information about the El Salvador civil war: http://www.pbs.org/itvs/enemiesofwar/elsalvador2.html

There is a reason that when someone wants to point out the United States' moral superiority that they have to go back to World War II. It's because we did do something great in that war. We did free millions of people from tyranny. But what we did over 60 years ago doesn't give us the right to not take responsibility for our mistakes. We've made a number of mistakes since World War II and apologizing for those mistakes doesn't make us weak. It takes courage to apologize and try to do better. We keep making the same mistakes on the international scene because we aren't willing to admit that we've made a mistake.

I am incredibly respectful of the people who serve in our armed forces because I recognize that they are putting their lives on the line to protect our country. I also understand that there are good and bad in every group of people and it seems to me that it is the bad in the armed forces that we need to address. We need to take the stand that we cannot condone atrocities by claiming that they are necessary to protect our freedom.

Like Korea and Vietnam, our support of the El Salvador army was a tactic to try and prevent a "leftist" or "socialist" government from being installed. Apparently, we are so afraid of other ideas that we are willing to kill innocent people over it. No one knows what would have happened in Korea, Vietnam, El Salvador or any other country if we had not interfered. Maybe they would have gotten governments that were repressive but maybe they wouldn't have. With the number of people who have been killed due to our interference, who can say if any one is better off as a result of our actions. And what of the people who survived? The CIA recruited Osama Bin Laden to fight the Soviets. (http://www.globalpolicy.org/empire/terrorwar/analysis/2008/0120history.htm) How much did we contribute to the creation of the world's most well known terrorist?

I'm not advocating that we withdraw from the world and not get involved at all. What I am advocating is that we make decisions based on reason not fear. I wonder if these decisions are made with any consideration for the innocent people who are caught in the cross fire as governments fight for control over ideas. There is not just one flavor of Democracy. Democracy simply means that people choose the type of government they get. If the people choose socialism, let them do it!!

I love my country and the ideals on which it was established. I'm just tired of people using patriotism as a weapon against anyone who speaks out against human rights abuses committed by our own country. Sometimes your best friend is the person who tells you when you are being an ass.

The Irony

2009-04-23T22:51:00.002-04:00

I am pregnant again. Only 5 weeks along so I haven't told anyone. Only my husband, of course! After the miscarriage last fall, I'm afraid that it will happen again. I have spent most of my life dreading any illness that makes me nauseous. To me the feeling of being sick to my stomach is the worst, give me pain any day. Yet, each day I am yearning for some nausea, some evidence that my hormone levels are rising and that this pregnancy will be OK. Maybe I shouldn't be nervous because my mother had babies well into her 40s but I am afraid. I am afraid of the feeling of loss that comes with a miscarriage. I am afraid of the worry that we'll never have a child and we'll grow into old crotchety people who scare the neighborhood children.

For now, I am pregnant and I unashamedly pray each night and morning that this pregnancy will last and this child will live!

My Unsung Hero

2009-04-16T20:40:00.005-04:00

I believe that we all have at least one. Someone who did something incredible for you and you may not even know about it. My unsung hero is my older sister.

My older brother was molesting my sister every time my parents left the house. She quickly learned to hide when my parents left and stay hidden until they returned. That was until I was born. My older siblings were old enough to babysit, so my parents would leave me in their care when they went out. My sister was my primary care giver but when my parents left the house she would go into hiding as normal. My brother would then pinch me, poke me do whatever it took to get me to cry. He did this because he knew my sister would come out of her hiding place to take care of me. When she did, he tormented her and molested her.

My sister always did her best to try and protect me. I have memories as I got older of my sister standing up to my brothers when I became the target of their tormenting. She made sure that my brothers didn't have an opportunity to abuse me up until the time she got married. The brother that had molested her was also married so she hoped that I would be OK. My other brother was the one that abused me.

She didn't tell me about what she had endured until I told her about what had happened to me. As we shared our stories, it struck me that my sister spent a lot of time apologizing for not doing more. Here was a person who was no more than a child at the time and yet she took the responsibility to care for an infant and protect that child as best she could. It is because of her that the abuse I suffered was not as bad as what she suffered. No one could have expected her to do more. I can't think of anyone who is more of a hero to me. How I admire her selflessness and love her for the person that she is.

Who is your unsung hero?

Sunday Evening

2009-04-06T21:56:00.004-04:00

Amorphous sinking dread
Sad resignation
Sunday anticipation of Monday morning
Overwhelming volumes
High expectations
Bills to pay, family to feed
Motivation to start another week

How Would I be Judged?

2009-03-05T22:19:00.002-05:00

I have not been shy about writing about my religion and my questions about my religion. I admit that I am very confusing when it comes to religion. So, I have been very excited about exploring the community of Mormon Bloggers and enjoyed a number of their blogs. Just today I came across a blog that made me think twice about my excitement over finding this community.

Overwhelmingly Mormons are Republicans and therefore against Obama and his policies. I actually don't have a problem with someone expressing their views. I want to retain my freedom of speech and so I cannot complain about someone else who uses their right to free speech. Just for the record... I am a registered Republican but the only reason I'm still registered that way is because I'm too lazy to submit the paper work to have it changed. I feel that I am independent, which is why I'm not anxious to change my registration because I don't know what I'd change it to. In the last election, I voted for both Democrats, Republicans and quite possibly a third party candidate. I researched each candidate for the various offices and made my choice based on who I thought was the best person for the job. I really wish the two parties would just go away.

I do have a problem with outright lies and I've heard them from both sides. Because most of my family are staunch Republicans I've heard more lies about the Democrats. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that every nasty rumour about that person is true. Check your facts before you forward an email or post something to your website. I am now the annoying family member who tells everyone when they have sent out an email that is false. I'm tired of the lies and it is not a very good representation of our religion or community.

I am also tired of people justify their inflammatory and hateful remarks as standing up for their beliefs. It is possible to voice your beliefs with out being inflammatory and hateful. You can say: "I don't agree with your point of view because I believe it will lead to the following troubles ..." instead of saying the person who disagrees with you is "evil", "stupid", "perverted", etc. If we say we are Christians then we need to start behaving as such. There is a song I learned as a child that is so needed now "Jesus said love everyone treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you". Please note that it says everyone, not the people you agree with or the people who vote like your or the people who accept your religion. It says EVERYONE!

The blog that got this rant going was talking about Obama's pick for the chairmanship of the National Intelligence Council, Charles Freeman. The blog asserted that Freeman hates Israel, loves Saudi Arabia and has condoned certain human rights abuses in China. Honestly, I don't know if the specific allegations are true or false. From what I've read thus far there is not sufficient evidence. I know there are some people who would disagree with this but just because you read something on the Internet does not make it true. I want to see credible references before I consider something truth.

The justification for the bloggers statements about Freeman derive from the fact that Freeman spent time in Saudi Arabia as a US Ambassador. In my opinion, his experience living within a Muslim community would make him better experienced to understand the extreme Muslim terrorists who are hiding out in that community. From my experience traveling around the world and speaking with many people from all over the world, one of the biggest failings of the Unites States is that as a whole the people don't take the time to understand other cultures or other people. When you are a diplomat or a politician not understanding the other side is disastrous. You would make mistakes in judgement because your judgement is based on an incorrect understanding.

I am truely disgusted with this tendancy to assume that just because a person has connections with a particular country that they are not patriotic Americans. It seems that our fellow countrymen are acting jealously. Reading these kinds of assumtions from a fellow Mormon is even more disheartening because so many of our young men and women serve missions around the world. The common theme when they return is how much they "grew to love the people" of the country where they served. Don't they think that an ambassador may experience the same feelings towards the people of the country where he or she served? There are wonderful and good people everywhere in the world. When you take the time to learn about them, to talk with them and to be a part of their community, you understand things from their perspective and some times you come to realize that your previous assumptions were wrong.

I look at how Obama was judged for time he lived outside the United States and how Charles Freeman is being judged for his association with other countries and I wonder how I would be judged if I were running for public office. I am Mormon so there are people who would judge me unacceptable on that fact alone. I have spent time in Indonesia so maybe I'm really Muslim. I've spent even more time in Thailand and I occasionally attend the Buddhist temple in Miami so perhaps I'm really Buddhist. I have friends who are gay and lesbian and I feel that there should be some type of civil union available to them (let's separate church and state on this issue please). I support a woman's right to choose abortion although I don't believe it should be used as a form of birth control. I don't like abortion but until a law can be developed that protects the woman as much as the unborn child I think the better option is to leave the decision in the hands of the woman. Why don't we have more sex education then perhaps fewer people would be seeking abortions because they would know how to avoid getting pregnant in the first place. I could go on and on with all the things that someone out there could judge me on. I'm sure there are people who think I'm going to hell for sure. I'm certainly not likely to get elected.

What is a Hero?

2009-02-26T21:54:00.001-05:00

In the days following the inauguration, I've been thinking about heroes. I know that Barack Obama has become a hero to many people already. Just getting elected to be the president is a massive achievement and I hope that this will be a great presidency. Not so much because I believe that Barack Obama will solve all our problems. I hope it is a great presidency because this country needs to get back on track. I think Mr. Obama is a good man trying to do good things but I know that a president isn't all powerful. To actually change things will require cooperation throughout the government. My hope is that Mr. Obama will be able to facilitate that cooperation.

My thoughts about heroes reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend. She is from Trinidad and her husband is from China. Her children are sometimes teased at school because they look different and she finds it a challenge to find people her children can look up to. Sure there are great people throughout the world and throughout history but I think everyone would like to look at that spectrum of great people and see someone who looks like them and has the same background as them.

I didn't always think that it mattered to me until I was reading a book by Cokie Roberts called "Our Mothers Daughters". In that book Cokie wrote about an interview she did with Esther Peterson. As I read about the great accomplishments of this "Mormon Girl" who moved out of Utah and married someone who wasn't Mormon, I felt something that I have never felt before. It was a mixture of pride, confirmation and exhilaration. I was proud of what Esther had accomplished and it was as if her accomplishments validated my life decisions because she had made the same decisions and she succeeded. I was thrilled to find someone who looked like me and had the same background as me in that spectrum of great people.

I immediately put Esther Peterson's memoir on my wish list at Amazon. Why I didn't just buy it I'm not sure. The only thing I can think of is that I'm always reading 3 or 4 books at the time and I probably thought I should wait and buy it once I've finished reading the books I have already started. Thankfully a friend bought it for me and I devoured the book. I was reading it in the carpool to and from work and when I read about some particularly impressive accomplishment I shared it with my fellow carpoolers. They probably thought I was crazy.

So, I'm going to share some of the things about Esther Peterson that I think are really great. I'd like to do more posts about other people that I think are just wonderful. I find it so difficult to make time to post as it is that I'll just have to see how it goes.

First, how is Esther Peterson like me? Well, she grew up in a very conservative Mormon family in a conservative Mormon community. In her memoirs Esther wrote of some of the things that weren't great about the Mormon community and the things that were wonderful. I could relate to and appreciate her balanced look at what it is to grow up in Utah. I loved how she treasured and exemplified the good things about the Mormon culture and how she simply dropped the bad things from her life. This is something I try to do every day.

How reassuring it was to read about the questions she had regarding Mormonism. I wanted to stand up and shout "I'm not alone"! Esther also escaped the confines of strict Mormon society by moving east and eventually marrying someone who was not Mormon.

I may not achieve the level of success that Esther Peterson achieved. I will be happy to live a full life and live in a way that I am true to my beliefs and ideals. You may be wondering what makes this woman so great. Well, how often do you use the nutrition labels on a package of food? You have the reliable information about the food you eat because of Esther's work as a consumer advocate. What about the clothing labels that tell you what's in the clothing and how to clean it? How about the requirement that advertisements be truthful and pricing be understandable? There are so many things that consumers in the US take for granted that exist because of Esther Peterson. In her later years she worked at the United Nations trying to ensure that materials banned in the US for health reasons were not used in products which were shipped overseas. She was always looking out for everyone.

Esther also did a lot for workers and in particular women. Today, I hear a lot of complaints about unions and I have a few of my own. The pendulum has swung so far in favor of unions that workers who are part of unions abuse the system sometimes. When Esther was getting started in her career the pendulum was in favor of the employer and they were abusing their employees. Esther organized people into unions with the intent that together they could fight for fair wages and fair treatment. She was really good at finding something that worked for both the employer and the employees. During Kennedy's presidency, Esther headed the Women's Bureau in the Department of Labor and she worked to improve working conditions and get equal pay. She also ensured that a job could not be designated for "men only". Esther also started the work that lead to the laws regarding occupational safety and health.

There are so many things, I could go on and on. I'll let you read Esther's book "Restless" and enjoy her entire story for yourself.

So, who are your heroes and what makes that person a hero to you?

To Believe or Not To Believe

2009-01-11T09:23:00.008-05:00

It seems that every few years I have a trial of my faith; or lack of faith perhaps. There are somethings that I don't imagine I'd ever stop believing because of experiences that forged the beliefs so strongly. One such belief is that there is a God. Although, I believe there is a God, I also recognize that I could be wrong. I'm sure that seems very confusing but the definition of Faith in Hebrews 11:1 is: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So, I don't think I am wrong to recognize that I don't know if there is a God even though I believe that there is.

Lately as I have gone through some personal difficulties, I have returned to thoughts about God that trouble me. Is he a loving God or is he a vengeful God? Is he really involved in our lives or does he just stand back and let things happen as they will? Is God a he or a she? Maybe God is both? Will I go to hell for entertaining so many questions about God?

Any one who recognizes their own weaknesses wants to believe in a loving and forgiving God. For such a God would love them despite their weaknesses. I fall into this category. I want to believe that God will forgive my doubts and understand my less than perfect life in light of my weaknesses. I want to believe that he/she will accept my life and the good that I'm able to do with out worrying so much about the rituals that I don't understand and therefore don't participate in.

It is in times of personal difficulties that I begin to wonder about this God of vengeance. Punishment for sin was something that was deeply ingrained as a child and so the idea that my difficulties are a punishment is always present. The fear of God's punishment kept me from doing many things. It didn't, however, keep my brothers from abusing me. I had a conversation recently with my mother in which I mentioned this abuse. I hadn't talked to her about it since I was 12 years old when I told her what one of my brothers was doing to me. She did confronted my brother with my accusation and he denied it. My brother was sent on his way while my mother gave me advice on what I should do to avoid the abuse. From then on, if I complained about something my brothers did, the response was "What did you do to provoke it?" So, I came to feel that the abuse was my fault. That I was the one who was sinning. It has taken many years and a couple of mental health professionals to help me move past the self-blame and -loathing that resulted from my mother's recriminations.

So recently, my mother was wondering why I am so adamant about the role of women in society and I remind her of the abuse I suffered as a child. Her response was to say that my brother who I accused so many years ago now has a loving wife and family and I need to learn to forgive him. On one hand, I imagine my mother was trying to tell me to let past hurts go. And I do agree that holding a grudge only hurts the person holding it. I feel that she was also telling me not to ruin my brother's life by exposing his past. There is no acknowledgement of how my life has been affected by my brother's actions. There is no understanding that this is more that just forgiving my brother. It is an ongoing process of healing a broken soul.

With all the many years that have passed and the counselors who have taught me how to cope, one statement from my mother brings me to tears and reminds me how lonely and afraid I was at 12 years old. It was at that time when I realized that I could not rely on anyone to protect me. Given how deeply these experiences have affected me, it is any wonder that I would want to improve the lot of all women? Is it surprising that I would want to do all that I can to stop abuse and end the cycle of misery?

Along with my anger regarding my mother's defense of my brother, there is anger at God. Why would he allow these things to continue when I prayed so sincerely for relief? Now, I have been taught that God must allow everyone their agency to chose good or evil. So, maybe God did not stop the abuse because my brother had to freely choose good over evil. My brother obviously failed that test. So God may not force an individual to chose good, but shouldn't a church supposedly lead and directed by God be setup in such a fashion that it encourages and trains it's members to make good choices?

The church to which I belong is a very patriarchal church. The men hold the priesthood and women are taught to be subject to them. There are scriptures and such that emphasize that men are not to abuse their priesthood power but there always seem to be other scriptures that can be used as justification when a man does abuse his power. It is my personal belief that this inequality promotes the maltreatment of women. Now, I recognize that the majority of men in my church love their wives and treat them kindly. The older men although kind to their wives still hold onto the "head of the household" status and expect to be obeyed by their wives. The younger men seem to be embracing the partnership model of marriage more and more. However, there are still rules that must not be broken. Women are not to work outside the home unless there are extenuating circumstances. Women and girls don't hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is such a privilege that women will say how grateful they are to have the priesthood in their home because they have a husband or son who holds the priesthood. Since a daughter can not hold the priesthood, she is relegated to a position of second-best. A parent may express their gratitude for having a daughter but it isn't the same because she can not bring to the home the valued priesthood which a son could. When a daughter is seen as second-best whether conciously or sub-conciously, it will happen that the son's welfare will be given a higher priority to the daughter. This is where the maltreatment comes in. It may be sub-concious but it is there and results in men who feel justified in their abuse of women and women who don't have the self esteem to know they deserve better.

Would a loving God intentionally place such a division between His sons and daughters? In Acts 10:34 Peter says "Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons" If this is true that God loves His daughters the same as His sons and it was never His intention to exclude His daughters or make them feel second-best.

In this trial of faith, I wonder how I can stay true to the beliefs I hold dear and still remain a member of a church that seems at odds to those beliefs. An easy solution would be to find another church that I can attend. I have actually attended other churches and in each one I have found this or that belief that doesn't sit well with me. Another thought is to stop attending church and worship in my own way at home. I happen to be a very social person and I like the community that I am part of when I attend church. Actually, there are a number of women in my congregation who share my beliefs about women. We are the closeted feminists hiding amongst the staunch patriarchal believers. Bigger than that is that fact that despite my concerns and lack of faith, I believe that the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ is true. I believe that the Book of Mormon is true. It's all the other stuff that is added on that I question and doubt. What of it is true and what is mankind's own creation to supply divine justification for actions and beliefs?

I sympathize with the father who brought his child to be healed by Jesus ...
"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:23-24)

I Have a Brother

2008-11-08T14:23:00.014-05:00

A story by Angela May

I lived and I died and my parents didn't even know that I was there. My mother miscarried me before she even missed a period. It is something that does occur quite often but no one knows how often. After all, how do you count something that you don't even know happened?

I am fortunate though because my mother has a unique talent. She has dreams that are messages just for her. She doesn't talk about it much because she knows that people will think she is weird. She's only had a few of these dreams over the course of her life and they only come to give her very important messages. She dreamt about my father a few months before she actually met him and it took about a month of dating him for her to finally recognize that he was the man in her dream and that she was supposed to marry him. It was another seven years before they got married. My mother says that she has always loved my father deeply but in times of self-doubt, love isn't always enough. Remembering the dream she had about my father helped her to put aside the doubts and focus on the man she loved.

On the night that I died, I visited my mother in a dream. She saw me being carried away from her in the arms of someone she didn't know. She saw me as I would have looked, had I lived. A little girl about four years old. She saw my dark curly hair with just the right amount of curl; the way she always wished her hair would curl. She saw my blue eyes; the same color as her eyes. I called to her "Mama" and reached my hand out. I saw that her heart was breaking. She wanted to come to me and hold me. She was sitting with my father, but he was unaffected by what was going on. Outside the dream, in real life, he was unsure that he wanted children and he was completely unaware of my existence. I know he would have felt differently if I had lived. Something told my mother that she couldn't come to me and that I couldn't stay with her. She understood that but she didn't understand why.

My mother shared her dream with my father after a few days had passed and she could talk about it with out crying. My mother thought that the dream was telling her that she had a daughter waiting to be born and it was time to have children. My father was not ready for children. Years passed and my mother often thought of me and wondered if she would find me. She searched for me online in the pictures of children available for adoption. When she visited other countries she looked for me in the faces of the street children who begged for coins from the rich American tourists. Sometimes, my mother thought the dream was telling her that she had lost her opportunity to be a mother because she selfishly waited to have children. Not being "worthy" to have children has been a fear of my mother's since she was a child. It is an unfounded fear but it plagues her nonetheless.

Time has a way of softening people and changing their perspective. It has been six years after I lived and died and my father has come to appreciate the joy and struggles that enrich a life when one has children. He and my mother were talking about having a child and trying for a child. They were nervous, excited, frightened and so much more. Then one day my mother felt nauseous and her pregnancy test came back positive. They were going to have a child!

It took a while for the reality to set in but soon my mother and father began talking about "when the baby comes". During the first ultrasound, the embryo sac showed plainly on the screen. However, it was small for seven weeks and no heartbeat was detected. Maybe the calculations were off and the baby was actually younger than seven weeks. Still full of hope my parents waited another week to give the baby a chance to grow. Two days shy of the doctor's appointment, there was spotting and the doctor was called. "It could be nothing." My parents were told "Come to the doctor's office in the morning."

My mother had a dream that night about a little boy with thick sandy blonde hair that reminded her of her father's thick hair. She held him tight because she knew he couldn't stay. He looked into my mother's eyes and she saw the close resemblance to my father. Her heart was breaking again. My father was also in this dream. Though silent he stretched his arms around his wife and son and held them tight. Then the dream was over and my mother woke to find she had indeed miscarried again.

The day ahead was long and painful. They had to visit the doctor to ensure that my mother would be OK. There were a lot of tears and now the reality of a lost child had to set in. As my mother pondered the dream she had of the little boy, she began to feel that it was her son saying goodbye and this brought her comfort. My mother believes strongly that the soul does go on after this life and she immediately felt that her son, though only a few weeks old, would go on and would one day meet her after she passed out of this life.

It didn't take long for her to finally understand her dream about a little girl with dark curly hair so many years ago. It was not a dream about a lost child to be found or a warning of dire consequences for postponing children. The dream was just her daughter saying "I am here, I am your daughter."

You may be sceptical that any of this could be true. It isn't scientific or based on any real evidence. It doesn't matter, my mother knows in her heart that I exist and I have a brother.

Wow!

2008-05-30T23:57:00.002-04:00

So, I'm up way past my bedtime browsing sites trying to get ideas for the design of my husband's website. Honestly, design is not my talent and right about now I'm considering paying a friend of mine to do the design.

Anyway, I browsed onto the Webby Awards site and found the site Jonathan Yuen.

Wow! I'm impressed. It's really quite beautiful, I can see why he won for the aesthetic design category. I just had to share it with someone.

Becoming a [Blog] Writer

2008-05-27T21:35:00.001-04:00

I've been reading this book "Becoming a Writer" by Dorothea Brande. I got the book for Christmas but I'm just now starting to read it. Actually, taking only six months to get around to reading a book is pretty good for me.

So, this book was actually written in 1934 and is has just recently been republished. It really isn't a "How To" type book obsessed with techniques of character development. The author focuses more on the psyche of the fledgling writer and all the neuroses that these individuals have. When I first started reading the book, I was getting quite excited because it seemed that despite all my hang-ups that I had a chance of eventually breaking through and becoming a writer. The author provides some excersizes which are aimed at unblocking any writer's block and helping the novice writer find thier style.

Then I read the following: "If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, give up writing. Your resistance is actually greater than your desire to write, and you may as well find some other outlet for your energy early as late."

Before I'd read this sentance, I was already thinking that I didn't have to follow the excersize exactly as the author outlined it. The excersize is just too rigid for me and I just can't include it in my life the way she specifies. So, maybe I'm doomed to fail. My enthusiasm has already wained and I haven't picked up the book to continue reading it for a week or so now.

To be a writer or not to be a writer... I guess only will time will tell for sure. It does seem that the forecast is not so good because I struggle just to take time to write a few words on this blog.

I take encouragement from Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. Honestly, this isn't just a brown-nosing thing because Zhu always leaves comments on my post. I drop in on Zhu's blog once in a while and I always enjoy myself. That is the true test of a good writer. People coming back for more. Anyway, part of my reason for bringing up Zhu is that she's been doing a series on "How to Blog". I really like it. I also realized that many of her suggestions could be applied to my blog. It's a bit boring, I know. Something else to improve upon.

I will perserve and perhaps one day I will become a [blog] writer.

Brainwashing or Teaching?

2008-05-04T19:02:00.001-04:00

I have complained many times on my blog regarding the my inability to make time for writing. I will not complain more, I only want to say that I wish someone would invent a mechanism for capturing thoughts and instantly transcribing them to a blog. It would be such a time savings, though quite possibly unintelligible.

In my thoughts over the last several weeks are on the events surrounding the raid on the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is a tragedy on so many levels. The obvious tragedy is that young girls have been forced into marriages. Anyone watching the interviews with the mothers whose children have been taken from them can sympathize with their grief. It may be easier for us to justify taking custody of the kids if we imagine these people to be monsters. I think perhaps some of them are the perverted monsters we want to imagine but many of them are good people trying to live their religion.

How is it that a "good" person could allow their underage daughter to be married to a much older man? What if you were taught from the time you were young that this is natural and the way to godliness? If you didn't know any other life but this, it would not seem strange at all. At that suggestion, the response seems to be that the members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have been brainwashed and they are brainwashing their kids? If you ask them, they will say they are just teaching their kids the right way to live. The fact is there are many different cultures through out the world that are different from ours and just being different doesn't make them wrong. However, there are certain morals which need to be upheld and one of those is the right of each person to make his or her own choices.

The difference between brainwashing and teaching is the ability for the recipient to truly make their own choices. The trouble is that there is a fine line between brainwashing and teaching. I'm not a parent so I can only rely on my experiences from when I was young. I think that at times my parents crossed into the brainwashing realm. They aren't evil people by any means. They were doing their best to teach their children right from wrong. To this day, I can hear my mother telling me "people who smoke are bad, smoking is evil". It wasn't until I had graduated from college that I learned that my mother's father got addicted to smoking and it caused problems with his lungs. He died when my mother was a young girl. She was brainwashing us to keep us from even trying a cigarette. She was afraid that genetically we too would be predisposed to the same lung problems and if we picked up smoking we too would die young.

The question from my example is: Did I avoid smoking because I consciously chose to do so or did I avoid it because I was afraid of what my mother would say? The bottom-line is that most kids want their parent's approval and that desire is so strong that sometimes it can be difficult to tell why you made certain choices.

Assuming that the adult members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were only trying to teach their culture to their children and didn't intentionally do any brainwashing, does that make the underage marriages OK? I don't think it does. If I struggle to separate my parents' desires for me from my own choice and I'm thirty-something, how much more difficult would it be for a teenager? I don't think teenagers should be forced into marriage ... period! Marriage is difficult enough with out the added burden of immaturity and going through puberty at the same time. Add to that the complexities of a polygamous marriage and to an older man. This is abuse, whether intended or not.

This truly is a very complicated situation where it can be difficult to determine right or wrong. Was it right to take custody of kids who might be abused? Is it wrong to separate parents from their children and take away those parents' right to raise their children in their own beliefs? What is the correct solution to this situation?

Many years ago, a sociology teacher explained our personal rights in the following fashion: "My right to throw a punch ends when I impede upon your right to be safe from violence." The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints claims the right to practice their religion as they chose, but that right ends when they take away the rights of others and the children have the right to a childhood free of fear and abuse.

From my own experience as an sexually abused teenager, I am in favor of taking the children into custody. Why? Because underage marriage is abuse not a religion. Because the beliefs and isolation of the church made it difficult for any abused child to seek or receive help. I know what it feels like to be trapped in an abusive situation and not know how to get out. Being too young and too afraid to speak up. How I wished that someone would notice my plight and step in to protect me.

As I mentioned the right way to address this situation is not clear cut. There are probably kids who were never abused and this separation is creating problems for them. I do sympathize with them. This is why it is a tragedy on so many levels and it was so unnecessary. The why it was unnecessary will have to be the topic of another post because I'll have to explain polygamy from a Mormon's perspective.

Seeking After These Things

2008-04-06T17:30:00.001-04:00

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted. I guess I got overwhelmed with other things ... like work! The last few weeks I've been trying to think of how I can fit this blog in with everything else I'm trying to do. Sometimes, my biggest challenges result from my desire to do everything and be everything. In reality there just isn't enough time in the day or energy in my body for it all.

So, today I'm supposed to be watching the Latter-Day Saint General Conference and all I'm hearing is blah-blah-blah. Just for those of you not familiar with this conference, it is a bi-annual event where all LDS folks (a.k.a Mormons) tune into a broadcast from Salt Lake City. In many cases, the conference addresses are inspirational and uplifting. Because I have a tendency to be a bit more liberal than mainstream mormons, I do find some things a bit challenging. I don't think I was even listening today. That may be because I've got a cold and not feeling well does have a tendancy to make me disinterested in most things.

While listening to the conference, I found myself browsing the internet following links from one post to the next. Some of the posts were written by ex-mormons and others by mormons. I wasn't looking for anything specific just following the links that had an interesting title. I was happy to find that some of the posts by ex-mormons were respectful which isn't always the case. I was also happy to find some posts by mormons which were open-minded which isn't always the case. It was encouraging because I truely hate bitter arguments about religion. The bottom-line is that religion is a matter of faith. It can not be proved or disproved so why fight over it.

Reading these posts today reminded me of the simple precepts that are held up as our Articles of Faith. The two which came to mind are numbers 11 and 13:

#11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

#13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

I have my own struggles with my religion. There are things I don't understand and things that frustrate me. Even so, I hold dearly onto my right to have my religion and I don't like others knocking my religion. I don't think any religion is perfect because they are all dependent on people who are not perfect. I've done some investigation of other christian religions and have found things that I don't like about them as well. So, what would be the point of making a change.

I love that the LDS religion was founded by man who once was a 14 year-old boy who had questions. Today, it seems that those who have questions are problematic. People don't know how to handle the questions. They are afraid that to question is to risk apostacy. I am learning to embrace my questions. They are my heritage. It is only when we question that we grow. This church would not exist if it had not been for a question.

The response that Joseph Smith recieved to his question was considered heretical to some who had closed their minds to other possibilities. Perhaps that is why Joseph Smith tried to promote open-mindedness through the thirteenth article of faith. If we are seeking out the good things whereever they may be found, then we will have open-minds. A little open-mindedness and true christlike love for others would go a long way to making this world a better place.

The Bag Lady Stories

2007-11-21T19:10:00.001-05:00

Earlier this week I was browsing around Zhu's blog and saw a meme that she had done. It was the "What's in your bag" meme. I loved it!! I ended up following the links to all the people she had tagged and on to some people they had tagged. Maybe I'm nosy or something but I thought it was a lot of fun. I was absolutely rolling when I saw this meme done by "the frogster" on the blog The Frog Bog.

I take the bus to work and sometimes I'm carrying several bags with me. So, I willingly refer to myself as the "Bag Lady" on those days. I feel that there is a "bag for every purpose and a purpose for every bag". Here are the stories of all my bags.

The yoga bag:

Pearl art supply stores were having a promotion where if you bought enough big things like 3 foot by 4 foot sheets of picture matting they gave you a free bag. Well, I wanted the bag because my yoga mat was really a camping mat (the kind you sleep on when camping) and it was big. I liked my camping/yoga mat because it was softer than the traditional yoga mat and my knees hurt if I don't have some cushioning. Well, fortunately my husband needed to buy some matting for his photos and I got the bag!!

The beach bag:

This bag was a gift from some very good friends. Not only is it my favorite color but it is also the perfect size for a bag a snacks, a beach towel, something to drink and a book. It is also OK to wash this bag in the washing machine so it really is perfect for going to the beach.

The Sunday school bag:

It was a Christmas gift from our host daughter an exchange student from Thailand. it is just the right size for my scriptures, the lesson manuals and a notebook for me to capture great ideas. My husband claims that I'm planning on starting a church of my own and that's why I'm taking notes. I particularly like to take this bag to church because the little babies are fascinated by the flashy decorations. This gives me a chance to play with the baby. That totally distracts me from taking notes but it is so much more fun.

The Toastmasters bag:
This bag isn't actually from the Toastmaster's organization it is just the bag I use to keep all my Toastmaster's stuff together. This bag was part of the new employee package at my current job. You could probably tell that it was a "gift" from the health insurance providers who were competing for the new employees' attention. This past weekend I celebrated my five year anniversary working for the same organization. I moved to a different department about six months ago to escape the Dr. Evil boss otherwise I wouldn't have made it to five years.

Miscellaneous other bags:
This is an assortment of bags that I use occasionally. The little black and brown bag I picked up in Thailand because I needed something small to carry a little cash, my Thai to English book, a cell phone and some chap stick. I still use it any time I just need to carry a few things with me and a pants pocket just isn't big enough. The white bag with pink handles is for sneaking popcorn into the movies. It is a very specialized bag. My sister gave it to me and I just haven't found any other purpose for it. The black bag with the beautiful needle work on it was purchased in Laos and it is the bag I carry with me when I'm following my husband around on one of his photography outings. Because he spends so much time getting just the right shot, I need something to do. I'll carry a book, some water and anything else to keep me entertained while I wait.

The very, very special bag:

This bag is a very special bag because I searched for it and I found not just what I was looking for but I found what my heart desired. I wanted a sleek purse that could keep me organized. Something that was set up for my planner but had space for a cell phone, all my credit cards, and a pen. Then I found the perfect bag and even better they had the style in red!! However this bag was supposed to be for work and I need to look professional. Red is not a conservative color and I have been raised a conservative. The dilemma was heart wrenching. I picked up the black purse and looked it over. I picked up the red purse and put it back. I started to the register with the black one and then went back for the red one. I started at it for awhile. Red will definitely not match my clothes every day. I'm really not the type of person who will change my purse to match my clothes. Usually I just have a black purse so it isn't a problem. But I really, really like the red purse. Well, as you can see, I did buy the red purse. It is such a beautiful purse.

After several years of enjoying my beautiful red purse, I noticed that more often than not it was getting shoved into my larger work bag because I just had too many things to carry. I now have a Blackberry so I don't need the paper planner and I found a small coin purse that fits my driver's license, some credit cards and some cash. So, now the red purse only comes out when I need to look professional and it's the only bag I'm going to carry. (i.e. job interviews)

The work bag:

It is a big black bag that carries everything I could possibly fit into it. It was acquired at a technology conference which is apparent from the not subtle advertising across the front. Everything in this bag is absolutely essential. There is the umbrella for the always expected Florida rain, my little red bag for my makeup because I never have time to apply it before I leave the house so I do it on the bus on my way to work, my pink Clinique bag for discretely carrying unmentionables, a couple of books to read while I'm riding the bus and my work notebook because I occasionally feel like working on something even when I'm not at work. There is the miscellaneous little stuff like my employee id, my blackberry with wired ear piece (wireless ear pieces cost too much!!), a few pills, some hydro-cortizone (I think that got left in there one day when I had an annoying bug bite), and various papers which were at one time very important (they had to have been or I wouldn't have kept them).

There is more story behind this bag. At the technology conference where I got the bag, one of the tech companies had a party and hired an artist to draw caricatures of people as super heros. Wonder Woman was always my favorite super hero so of course I had the artist draw me as Wonder Woman.

Now, if I had a cool little invisible airplane too keep all my stuff in I wouldn't need so many bags. Well, maybe just one or two.

I'm going to tag: Amel, Victorya, and The Pioneer Woman

Preventing the Sexual Abuse of Children

2007-11-15T19:23:00.001-05:00

As promised back in September, I am posting some additional information on child sexual abuse. I actually gave a speech today in my Toastmasters Club on the topic so here is the information I prepared for that.

Here are some statistics that I got from the Darkness To Light website:
- Before age 18 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused
- There are 39 million survivors of sexual abuse in the United States
- 90% of sexually abused children are victimized by people they know
- 40% of sexual abuse cases have a perpetrator who is an older or larger child
- The median age of sexual abuse is 9 years old
- 70 to 80% of abused children have substance abuse problems as they get older
- 50% of abused boys have suicidal thoughts
- 60% of teen pregnancies are preceded by sexual abuse

A frightening statistic that I got from the website Keep Your Child Safe says that 1 in 20 adults have pedophile tendencies!

Now that I have scared the "you know what" out of you, how can we prevent child sexual abuse. Prevention is made difficult by the following factors: 80% of sexual abuse occurs in one-on-one situations and since parents think they can identify a perpetrator they don't worry about leaving their child alone with a "trusted" adult. Also, most children are naive about sex and sexual boundaries because their parents are uncomfortable talking about it. Parents also assume their child will tell them if they are abused.

Most importantly AVOID ONE-ON-ONE SITUATIONS WITH A CHILD!! Forgive the "screaming" but it is so simple that I had to emphasize the point. Don't be alone with a child and don't leave your child alone with any adult. When a one-on-one situation can not be avoided (the Darkness to Light website indicates that normal one-on-one time is good for a child's self esteem) make sure that some basic rules are followed.
- Get specifics about the plans
- Public places are best
- Drop in unexpectedly
- Notice your child’s behavior and response to questions when they return
- Announce that you and your child are educated about sexual abuse

Don't fall victim to the common misconception of a perpetrator who is the sulking man in a trench coat in the park. Sexual Abuse Perpetrators look and act “normal” and they very careful “groom” children for abuse. "Grooming" includes gaining the trust of parents and exposing the child to inappropriate talk and behavior slowly so that suspicions are not raised. Some parents worry that talking to their children about sex will take away their innocence. When handled appropriately talk about sex makes the child comfortable with their bodies and encourages them to continue talking with their parents. Most importantly it allows parents to teach their children sexual boundaries so that a perpetrator can not exploit the child's naivity. Children need to be told that abusers may be people he/she knows.

The misconception parents have that their children will tell them if they are abused, couldn't be more wrong. Children are more likely to tell a trusted adult other than a parent. Perpetrators of abuse use many tactics to ensure the child doesn’t tell. They threaten the child and his/her family. They tell the child it is their fault and how disappointed everyone will be if they knew. They will also tell the child that there is nothing wrong with the abuse, it is just a game. It's no wonder that when children do tell someone of the abuse they only share limited information to gauge the reaction.

Because of the child's hesitancy it is important how you react. It is critical that you remain observant of your child's behavior. Notice different or inappropriate behavior in your child and explore the reason why he/she is exhibiting this behavior. It is critical that you remain calm and objective. If the child senses that you are agitated, emotional or angry they will shut down. Children have a tendency to blame themselves and they don't want to make trouble. This is why the negative emotions can be scary for the child even if those emotions are not directed at the child. Ask open-ended questions of the child in a non-threatening way. Remember that only 1 to 4% of all reported sexual abuse cases are based on false accusations. So, your child is telling the truth make sure you acknowledge that because he/she needs your support.

Report any incidents of abuse and act on suspicions. The Darkness to Light website provided many resources for reporting abuse, getting assistance for abused children and even just to ask questions or help evaluating suspicions. Just one of those numbers is the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453

The statistics indicate that sexual abuse among children is of epidemic proportions. It is so important that we do all we can to stop this tragedy. Support organizations which work to prevent child abuse and support victims. One of the most valuable things that you can do is talk about the problem. If everyone got over their fears and discomfort regarding this subject many of the misconceptions wouldn't exist. The more educated people are the less likely they will be to leave an opporutnity for their child to be sexually abused.

Back from Blogging Hiatus

2007-11-04T15:15:00.001-05:00

So do you know what hiatus means? I didn't until I moved to Florida and started living near a road called Hiatus. Then at some point I was told that the road was called Hiatus because it was supposed to be the last road before the Everglades. It was the end of the development. Well, I live west of Hiatus so the road was not the end of development it was just an interruption in the development. So, the road is aptly named.

I was thinking about this because I got tagged for excellence by Heaven Above at Wildlife Alive and I was really touched by her concern for the animals who have lost their habitat to the humans. Much of South Florida sits on what used to be the Everglades so occasionally there are some incidents with wildlife. Some of the wildlife has adapted fairly well to us humans but others are just too threatening to the average human. Just like the bears that Heaven Above writes about the alligators here sometimes get a bad reputation. In the end, they are just trying to survive.

So, Heaven Above tagged my post Another Day in Paradise for excellence because it made her laugh. I'm so glad for that. On some of the really tough days at my previous employer, I would tell my friends that I have to laugh because otherwise I'd cry. Ever felt that way?

Now time for me to tag someone else for excellence.

I have to tag Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino for her excellent post Losing my Religion. I am a religious person and I just loved the respectful debate that this post created.

The only thing is; I was so hooked on reading this post and all the comments that I ran out of time to find other bloggers to tag. I would suggest that you check out any of the blogs in the list "My Favorite Blogs".

I do hope that I'll be able to get back to blogging regularly. I have so many ideas for posts, I just wish I had time for them all.

Please Pass The Pink Penguin!!

2007-10-14T21:02:00.001-04:00

I received a ‘Pink Penguin’ from Choc Mint Girl as part of ‘Breast Cancer Awareness’ month. I'm quite happy to pass the Pink Penguin on.

I'm posting it today, but I'll do the passing another day. Unfortunately, I'm not being a very good blogger. I'm recovering from the mad rush to complete my project at work. My brain is mush while my body is taking exception to the fact that I have to continue going to work. I'll be taking vacation in a week and a half that I've very much looking forward to it.

The following are four points, recommended by Pelf that you can do to help during Breast Cancer Awarness Month:

1. Spread the word. Announce the event on your blog. You could write a blog post (like this), or a little note about it. Whatever you choose to do, just go ahead and tell your readers about it.

2. Go pink. Modify your theme if you know how to, or get yourself a pretty pink theme. If you run a website, turn your website pink. But if you don’t like pink, you could still participate by putting up a badge on your sidebar.

3. Design badges and banners. Design a couple of “Pink for October” badges or banners for other participants to use (for free) and to publicize the event. Some of the existing badges and banners can be downloaded from the Official Pink for October Site.

4. Design blog themes. There are a lot of bloggers (me included) who can’t even do simple designing, so if you are good at it, perhaps you could design and release a few pink themes?

If you are reading this post, please do something to spread the awareness. It only takes a moment of your time.

Thank you!!

My Desktop

2007-09-30T20:08:00.001-04:00

Choc Mint Girl tagged me for this meme. It's pretty simple, show a picture of my desktop. I'm afraid my desktop isn't very interesting.

See, I haven't changed it much since I bought this computer from Dell! Well, hopefully some of the folks that I tag will have more interesting desktops.

Here are the rules:

Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun. Here’s how you can do a screen capture:

1. Go to your desktop and press the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key).
2. Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and doing a Paste (CTRL + V). If you wish, you can “edit” the image before saving it.
3. Post the picture on your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop if you want. You can explain why you prefer such a look or why it is full of icons. Things like that.
4. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktops as well.
5. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.

People who have already pimped their desktop:
Francine of La Place de Cherie Chez Francine Bloggishi Unchained Melody LadyJava’s Lounge Mariuca Revellian Dot ComDesktop Emila’s Illustrated Blog Spiff, The Spaceman Rolando Brown Baron The Kat House MAX Choc Mint Girl Self Delusions of Angela May add yours here after doing this tag

I tag the following great bloggers:
Victorya Chase Goes to Therapy
Mel's Got An Idea
JenuArt - Soul Energy Rising
Kathleen's Invisible Keepsakes
Flavors of Italy

Blogging Against Abuse

2007-09-27T22:07:00.001-04:00

Well, I wasn't planning on posting today. However, I took a moment to visit some of my favorite blogs and noticed a badge on Victorya's blog for the Blogging Against Abuse Day sponsored by the Blog Catalog site. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to participate and support a cause that I care a lot about.

I am particularly passionate about stopping child abuse because I feel that abusing a child is among the worst crimes/sins that can be committed. I agree wholeheartedly with the verse in Luke (17:2) "It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones."

When I traveled in South East Asia, I was horrified to learn how many children in those countries are sold as sex slaves. The biggest customers are Western tourists. The statistics regarding abuse in America is staggering as well. If it weren't way past my bedtime (I need my 8 hours), I would spend some time to track down the most recent statistics. I think I'll follow-up with that information in another post.

Another note as well. Since I have recently extracted myself from a difficult job with a horrible work environment, I acknowledge that abuse comes in many forms. Anyone who has had a tyranical boss knows what I'm talking about. It is abusing to use power to manipulate and control people. Also, we abuse someone anytime we treat them disrespectfully or put ourselves above others.

I think sometimes I am guilty of this as well. I can be very disdainful of my former boss and her cronies who have inflicted so much unhappiness on so many people. I want to believe that is just "righteous indignation". Is it really or is that just an excuse?

To quote the bible once again in John 13:34 it says: "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone loved everyone else the way that Christ loved? I want to experience a world like that!

Check out all the blogs that participated. Most of them are much better written than my little post. Bloggers Unite & Make a Difference

Just for Fun

2007-09-25T22:10:00.001-04:00

Look, I'm actually posting twice in one week!! This is an accomplishment for me because I have been so busy. There are two reasons I'm posting unexpectedly.

First, I have gotten a few comments on my last post from my blogger friends. I just wanted to let everyone know that you don't need to feel bad about the Lyric Contest. The fun thing about blogging is that you can try something new out. Sometimes it will work and sometimes it doesn't. It's all good, because this is how we learn to be better bloggers and better people too!

So, now for the second reason. I'm nearing the end of this do or die project at work and for the first time in 6 weeks I haven't had to work overtime for two days in a row. The web application that I built from scratch in 6 weeks (I'm very proud of myself), has been approved to be released!! With that obstacle behind me, this little picture that I received from a friend is all the more appropriate!

Today, I was also admiring Zhu's new blog and thinking that my blog could use some work. Ever hear the adage that the shoe makers children never have shoes? Well, it applies to programmers too. The stuff I build for myself is never as nice as the stuff I do at work. I'm too tired by the time I get home!! Anyway, Zhu's blog is looking beutiful as always!

It's a Flop

2007-09-23T19:04:00.001-04:00

The Lyric Contest that is. Yes, it was abysmally unsuccessful. I had a couple of encouraging comments but no entries in the contest. I am attempting to write some lyrics myself but my rhyming capabilities seem to be limited to words with four letters or less. For instance:

My contest was a flop
but I will not stop
until I am on top

It rhymes but it also stinks. So, I will continue to welcome any suggestions.

I realize that some of my difficultly is a result of being mentally drained after working so much lately. As I am writing this post, I am actually more interested in visiting blogs than I am writing. Visiting requires less thought.

Old Things under the Sun has some interesting thoughts on immigration.

Hobo Teacher is making me rethink my desire to have children. Teaching high school has got to be the worst job ever.

Well, I'm going end this post on what I would call a high note. The evil boss character in the "Another Day in Paradise" musical is based on an actual person who was formerly my boss. I escaped some time ago. I just received word that this person has been fired. Although it might seem very unchristian like, I couldn't help but join in enthusiasm that has overtaken my friends who had remained.

I actually received an email with a dancing leprechaun and the music "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead".

Lyrics Writing Contest

2007-09-09T15:51:00.001-04:00

Well, work has been particularly brutal the last few weeks and I'm expecting more of the same through September. This is what happens when my boss makes great promises and like a dope I agree that it can be done. So now I'm getting it done by any means possible, which at the moment is working lots of overtime and on occasion praying to the great computer gods that miraculously it will all just work.

So, this Sunday instead of writing the second scene of Another Day in Paradise I am enlisting the help of all Bloggers. In the first scene, there is a song that I just threw together some lyrics and I received the comment that the lyrics need some work. I agree. However, I'm not really good at it and lately my brain has been completely fried by the time I come home. The end result is that I have nothing in the way of new and better lyrics.

I am going to have a Lyrics Writing Contest and the winner of this contest will get their lyrics posted on this blog and will get the adorable emblem below that they can post on their blog.

If that isn't enough incentive to participate in the contest, how about doing it just because it will be fun?

All of us have at one time experienced a boss who seems more like a dictator, a sadist or fill in the blank with any description that you've used for a horrible boss. This is an opportunity to express your feeling about those horrible bosses in an amusing way! Take a look at the original post: Another Day in Paradise - The Musical and see if you can capture the spirit of the scene in the lyrics. Keep in mind that this musical is supposed to be very satirical. This particular scene is introducing the boss and the boss' croonies who are quite happy with their lives and really enjoy tormenting their employees. They really don't care about actual success, they just like the fancy title and looking good to all their friends.

So, the rules are:
1. Entries must be submitted through the comments by September 20, 2007 and I will announce the winner some time before October 1, 2007. It all depends on how many entries I get and how much time I have to evaluate the entries.
2. Comments containing entries will not be published on this blog until a winner is decided. I will periodically post comments confirming receipt of entries.
3. Any entries that are inappropriate (as decided by me because after all this is my blog and my contest) will be disqualified and immediately deleted. If you are wondering what would be considered inappropriate, keep in mind that I'd like to keep a "PG" rating for my blog.

Any questions, just leave a comment and I will respond. Have fun all you creative bloggers! I can't wait to see what y'all cook up on this one!

Tagging People for Priceless Experiences

2007-08-29T19:54:00.001-04:00

OK, not too many people jumping at the chance to participate in this meme. Of course, it could be that I just don't have the level of readership that would allow for replies in three days.

So, here are some folks that I'm tagging.

Amel at Amel's Realm probably has cool experiences from both Indonesia and Finland.

Jovi at Girl, Interrupted is from the Philippines.

Let's get a New York perspective from Victorya at Victorya Chase Goes to Therapy. I always like reading Victorya's blog it is very thought provoking. Check out a past post about the Sexualizing of Children. This is a concerning trend.

OK, that's all for now.

Seven Priceless Experiences in South Florida

2007-08-26T17:00:00.001-04:00

Well, this is another tagging game which Zhu of Correr Es Mi Destino started. I am really glad Zhu tagged me because otherwise I would be writing the second scene to the Another Day in Paradise. It isn't that I don't want to write the second scene but at the moment I have so many ideas floating around my head that I haven't been able to write anything coherent.

Zhu of course started the meme with Ten Priceless Canadian Experiences. I am from Florida, USA but I decided to be specific to South Florida with my 7 experiences. That's because South Florida is really different from the northern part of the state and in many ways different from the United States in general. I really couldn't come up with 10, but if I think of any more I'll add them.

1. Diversity and more Diversity
I really enjoy the diversity of South Florida. I have a wide range of friends from many countries, cultures, religions, etc. It's great to have conversations with them and learn about their experiences. It's like visiting a different country without leaving home.

2. Really Bad Traffic
This is one I hate! The traffic problem in South Florida is more than just the amount of cars on the road, which is a problem in itself. Some of the traffic problems do relate to the diversity I like so well because you do have folks who don't quite adjust to the US traffic laws. Even worse though are the people who do know the traffic laws and blatantly disobey them. It is very common for people to run red lights. In fact, if you are coming up on a yellow light and think you should stop you have to look behind you first. If there is a car behind you, you have to decide if it is better to go through the yellow almost red light or risk being rear-ended. Sometimes the very people who are supposed to be enforcing the traffic laws are violating them. Yes, I have nearly been run down by a police car while I was trying to cross the road.

3. The Weather is Great!! (except for hurricanes)
Why do you think so many people put up with the threat of having their houses blown away? The winter months are the best. While the rest of the country is shoveling snow we have the windows open letting in the cool breezes. The summer can sometimes be a bit unbearable with the heat and humidity. However, most of the time we have some nice winds coming off the ocean which cools things down a bit and everywhere you go is air conditioned.

4. Hurricanes are the Pits!!
Well, we lived through Hurricane Wilma which we thought was a category 3 but found out later that it was a category 2. That is because the wind speeds weren't sustained, whatever that means. All the same, when the wind was blowing I would put my hand on the walls of my house and I could feel them vibrating. My house is a cinder block house and very well built so the fact that the walls were vibrating caused me a bit of concern. My husband and I watched from the little window in our door as the winds uprooted a couple of huge trees and tipped them over on our neighbor's house. When it was all over, one of the neighborhood kids commented that our street looked like a scene from the movie War of the Worlds. I can only imagine how horrible Hurricane Katrina was.

5. Tropical Fruit: Avocados, Mangoes, Lynchees, etc.
It's great all the different kinds of fruit you can get here. The best part is that it is grown locally. It's not the tasteless fruit that's been picked early and ripened while it is shipped to the grocery store. Of course, you can get that kind of fruit here too. So, during the summer I get all the avocados and mangoes I can eat because I have trees. Sometimes I get lynchees from friends who have a tree. I'm not crazy about papaya and star fruit, but I could get those from friends too. For many years backyard citrus was disappearing because of the citrus canker and you couldn't buy citrus trees. That restriction has been lifted so maybe I'll buy an orange tree. Even if I don't there are shops everywhere that sell fresh oranges of all varieties. It's really wonderful.

6. Great International Restaurants
The diversity of the population ensures that there are a lot of authentic restaurants from the countries represented by the population. We have a couple of Thai restaurants that we love. We've also been to a good Venezuelan restaurant. We're not particularly fond of Cuban food, but there are Cuban restaurants on nearly every corner. Other restaurants that I've enjoyed include Italian, Japanese, Greek and so many more that I haven't tried yet.

7. Enduring Jokes about the 2002 Elections
I can't tell you how many times I've heard "So, you're from Florida. What was going on with the election?" So, now we have these computerized voting machines and every election there are debates about the reliability of these machines. Our local county government spent all this money on buying the machines and now some voters want to retrofit the machines to print a paper receipt. I'm not sure what good a paper receipt would do. If what is printed is not what you voted for then I guess you could make a stink about it. But a piece of paper isn't going to guarantee that the vote is counted. Occasionally, we hear about the votes in a machine not being counted properly for one reason or another. In reality, it's the same problem that elections have always had. With paper ballots, it was possible that a box full of ballots got lost and were never counted. Then there is that whole hanging chad thing. One friend told me that Florida's state quarter should be a nickel. Just count it five times!

OK, I don't know who to tag for this one. So, here's my idea. If you'd like to participate in this meme, leave a comment so that people can follow it to your blog. Over the next few days, I'll tag a few people as well.

So, ends my weekend. I spent most of my Sunday afternoon browsing the blogs Zhu listed for this meme. You should check it out, a lot of interesting blogs. I'm happy to be one of them.

Introduction to Another Day in Paradise

2007-08-12T18:11:00.001-04:00

I think I've mentioned before that I'd like to try my hand at writing. The "Another Day in Paradise" is based on an idea that some fellow co-workers and I have been joking about for some time. It's like the Office Space movie in a Broadway Musical format.

Honestly, I'm not sure it's any good. My husband read it and only laughed at the part where I used a swear word. Yes, I'm breaking my own rules. But, it isn't used meanly or crudely so I indulged.

My husband also wouldn't say much about his thoughts. I think he is afraid to hurt my feelings. I can understand his dilemma because if he hurts my feelings he has to live with me until I get over it. So, he'd much rather that I hear from the people on the blogosphere that my writing stinks.

So, I'm asking. Don't hold back tell me what you think and if you have any suggestions for improvement. That's what I really want to read!

Thanks all!

Another Day in Paradise (The Musical - Scene 1)

2007-08-12T14:33:00.001-04:00

You are sitting in a theater on Broadway (of course), the other patrons are slowly making their way to their seats. The lights begin to dim, signaling the start of the show. There is still no rush to settle down and noises of people finding their seats continue as the music begins. Annoyed shushes are ignored as people persisted in chatting and laughing with their companions. The curtains rise and one by one the remaining silhouettes disappear as people finally take their seats.

The music starts slow with a heavy beat that is reminiscent of a funeral march. Not exactly what you expected from a musical called “Another Day in Paradise”. The dimly lit stage enhances the mood of despair created by the music. The stage is set as a series of partitioned work areas common to the modern offices. Faceless workers shuffle on stage muttering what might be words of greeting to each other only without any sincerity. One worker in particular is dressed in long black robes with a hood covering his head. The music swells and the beat picks up. It quickly starts to more resemble a swelling buoyant song that might accompany a dance number. At that moment the robed worker throws off the robes and jumps atop a nearby chair. He belts out the words “It’s just another day in Paradise!”

“Life is grand, when you’re in command!”
“Workers snivel at your feet and you know that life is sweet!”

The other workers are frozen in place hesitant about what to do next. The beat of the song is contagious and one worker is surreptitiously tapping a foot.

Two more robed workers stroll quickly on stage, throw off their robes and continue the song.

“Yes, it’s another day in Paradise”
“When you’re friends with the boss and you know he won’t get cross!”

The first robed worker (minus the robe) continues on.

“In my Paradise, everyone thinks I’m nice.”
“I have a motivational program to show how good I am.”

A banner above the cubicles unfurls it reads.

Scott Hammond Information Technology
When you have technology troubles call SHIT

In a non-singing voice the singer says “That’s me Scott Hammond, this is my company!”

Continuing in his song, Scott glides around the stage. The two other formerly robed workers have gotten everyone dancing around Scott.

Scott: “And it’s just another day in Paradise”

“Another day in Paradise” reply the workers throwing their hands into the air.

Scott: “Life is grand, when you’re in command”

Workers: “When you’re in command”

Scott: “I answer to no one and life is fun!”

Workers: “Life is fun!”

Scott: “Everyone is happy because they work for me!”

Workers: “We’re happy because we work for you”

As the final words slip from the lips of the workers someone shouts “Not!!” The Scott character stops mid glide and swirls around. “Who said that?” The workers are suddenly sullen. Scott picks up a stray umbrella and begins hitting the workers. The two formerly robed workers are quick to grab escaping workers and push them back towards Scott where they get whacked with the umbrella. Finally, all the workers get past and huddle at their desks in the background. Scott glares angrily at the workers with his two helpers on either side.

Finally, Scott twirls his umbrella with a broad smile and sings one final phrase “It’s just another day in Paradise!!” He contentedly strolls off stage while the two helpers remain clapping profusely. They then turn to the workers and busy themselves reviewing work and scolding the workers.

The curtains slowly fall over the scene.

Another Tagging Game

2007-08-05T20:37:00.001-04:00

So, Choc Mint Girl tagged me again. This tagging game is providing blogging tips so, here's the scoop.

--Start Copy--

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)

Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers.

Try to make your tip general. After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!

Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn.
http://www.neonscent.com***

2. Be EXCELLENT to each other.
http://www.bushmackel.com****

3. Don’t let money change ya!
http://www.therandomforest.info****

4. Always reply to your comments
http://chattiekat.com***

5. Blog about what you know & love.
http://sugar-queens-dream.blogspot.com***

6. Don't use filthy language-buy a dictionary.
http://shinade.blogspot.com**

7. Whenever possible, spread some positive thoughts and love. The world needs more of them.
http://ailema4ever.blogspot.com**

8. Write down from your heart or head. Either way asks yourself why you ever get started.
http://chocmintgirl.blogspot.com

9. Be honest, be tactful but honest.
http://angelofdelusion.blogspot.com

--End Copy--

This time I'm tagging:
1. Bizzy Girl's World
2. Heaven Above
3. TL Corners
4. Victorya
5. Adrienne
6. Rollie
7. Lizzie
8. Jovi
9. Helmsdeep
10. Sirprizeme1393

Some of these blogs are ones that I visit regularly, some are folks that left comments on my blog and others are ones I found expressly so I could tag them. I did chose blogs that interested me and kept me reading beyond one paragraph.

I hope everyone enjoys the tips as well as the blogs I've tagged. I found the "After the Love is Gone" post on Jovi's site to be hilarious!

Distraction Kills Children

2007-07-28T20:50:00.001-04:00

I actually have other things that I planned to post, but I saw an article on Excite News that I just have to say something about.

Sentences Vary When Kids Die in Hot Cars

The article tells the story of a father who simply forgot to take his daughter inside when he got home and had so many things going on that he didn't think about her for 7 hours. I know that our initial thoughts are "How could a responsible adult let that happen?".

I don't have children so the only example I have is something I forgot at work yesterday. I have a very important task to do before I left work. It was simple enough, run a report from our system before the weekend when the system would be taken down for maintenance. I had prepared for this all week sending out emails to users warning about the system outage and how they had to have their data entered before I ran the report. Then halfway through the bus ride home, I gasped as I realized I hadn't run the report. I was on a commuter bus so there was no way I could go back and the system would be taken off line in just 30 minutes. Fortunately, I called around until I found someone who was available to run the report for me. I owe the person donuts or something for saving my "bacon".

The reason I share this recent experience is because I can understand how a mind can become so crowded with thoughts that the important things can get pushed out. Anyone with ADD can understand what I'm talking about. Yes, I have ADD and I went through several years of treatment and therapy to learn how to train my brain around the things that make ADD difficult. Having a crowded brain which is easily distracted is one of those difficulties. The thing is ADD can be a temporary condition for anyone that is experiencing a particularly busy or stressful day. So, anyone could forget something as important as their own child.

As I read the article, I was thinking "this could happen to me". I can remember the complete story of a movie that I watched when I was 6 years old but I would as the cliche goes "forget my head if it weren't attached". It is a frightening thought. My only defense from such a tragedy would be to practice something that I learned to cope with ADD in general. Repitition; create a habit of checking and to create such a habit you have to check every time. In a way, it is like learned obsessive complusion. So, if I had children I would check the car seat every time I got out of the car even if I thought I didn't have the children with me.

What does it take? 2 seconds?

So, I have been tagged again on another fun activity. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

I got Tagged ... Twice!!!

2007-07-14T16:59:00.001-04:00

It's like a chain email only it's with blogs. Anyway, there are rules I'm supposed to follow and one of the rules is that I have to put the rules first.

The Rules: "Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people and then visits those peoples' sites and comments letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do."

I'm not one for passing on chain emails but this tagging thing seemed like a good way to tell other people about my blog as well as sharing some blogs that I enjoy. I got tagged by Choc Mint Girl and Heaven Above. Now maybe I'm supposed to do 16 of everything because I got tagged twice but I had a hard enough time just doing 8!

1. I often have very dark thoughts that I find somewhat disturbing because I really am a very optimistic person. I think this has to do with having some very dark experiences so I know how brutal life can be but I also know how resilient we all are and that life is so worth it!

2. I love to touch rose petals. They are so soft and delicate.

3. Although I am a technology nerd, I don't own every new gadget. I'm really cheap that way and I will only buy the gadgets I really have a use for and by that time there are newer and better gadgets out.

4. I desparately want to have a child; my husband isn't sure he wants kids. I love my husband and we have a wonderful relationship. I knew about his concern regarding kids when we got married (many years ago) and at the time I honestly thought that I could deal with it. In many ways, this is more challenging than anything else I've dealt with in my life. It is so much easier when there is someone you can blame and hate; a "bad" person.

5. The song "The Greatest Love of All" is my theme song.

6. When I was 12 or 13 I was introduced to Rock and Roll (the members of my family are Country Music folks) and I loved it. One day, my mother caught me jumping on my bed, head banging and singing "Shout, Shout, let it all out" at the top of my lungs. I suspect that she thought I was possessed.

7. Wonder Woman was my hero. I wanted to be able to fight the bad guys the way she did. Beat the crap out of them but still be a lady.

8. A group of my co-workers and I like to joke about writing a musical based on the crazy things that happen at our work. Perhaps, I'll post the opening scene as my next entry!

So, there are the 8 things about myself. Now for the 8 bloggers that I'll be tagging.

1. Correr Es Mi Destino
2. Bizzy Girl's World
3. Herbal Renaissance
4. Amel's Realm
5. Mollotov Cocktail
6. Culumovic
7. Ramblings
8. It's Like You Know ...

For all of you who are following the tag chain, happy blog browsing and happy blogging!

The Curse of Cussing

2007-06-30T19:38:00.001-04:00

After I posted my last blog entry, it was as if the heavens either conspired against me or decided to test my resolve. I just got slammed with things to do! I had a house guest for two weeks, had a few nights of overtime at work, was asked to create some little origami flowers as gifts for the new members of my women's club and I was elected to the position of Vice President of Education in my Toastmaster's club.

The problem with being self-deluded is that you believe you can accomplish 30 hours worth of stuff in the 24 hour day!

So, I finally got back to blogging and I really enjoyed following the links left by the people who commented on my posts. I love the comments and I really enjoyed the blogs! And anytime I start reading blogs, I follow interesting links from one blog to another and find my way through a maze of topics and interests. It is like heaven for someone with a short attention span!

As I read along, I became aware of a trend that is not unique to blogging. The occasional sometimes frequent use of the "F" word. I'm sure that some people will think that I am very conservative or hyper-religious or whatever. Think what you may. I do not like that word! I hear it more and more in movies, in music on the street. To me it is "fingernails on the chalkboard". It represents all the horrible types of sexual intercourse; abuse, rape, incest, etc. So when someone says "FU" it is like they are wishing all those horrible things on the other person.

I just don't understand why people want to use such a disgusting word. In most cases, it isn't necessary. It doesn't help the story line, or make the point. In my opinion it detracts. It degrades the person who uses it.

I certainly am not perfect when it comes to cussing. I've been known to occasionally use the less offensive four-letter words. I'm trying to stop use them all together. When I was very young, I learned at least one swear word from my dad who used them on occasion when the cows just weren't cooperating. Over the years he replaced the four-letter words with more creative expression to please my mother who really disliked any foul language.

I think I'll start using those expressions ...

Grab all Friday!
Great Caesar's Ghost!
Cotton Pickin'!

Then there was my grandmother's ... Fooey! (different inflections of the voice while saying this expletive created different meanings)

And my mother's ... Fiddle Sticks!

Perhaps I'll make up my own ...

What a pile of nibbily bits!
Goofy and Mickey!

Or quote cartoon characters like Sylvester the Cat ... Suffering Succotash!

I guess my point is that cussing is really not necessary and having a funny cuss word to say really relieves tension much better than an actual cuss word. It would also get everyone to smile!

Do I have time to Blog?

2007-06-12T21:59:00.002-04:00

Here I am, it's 10:00 pm and really time for me to be in bed because I have to go to work in the morning. I've been thinking about a post I wanted to make for the last four days and just haven't gotten around to it. Too many things in my real life to be done.

So tonight, I sit down at the computer to look at what is left on my ever expanding "to do" list and since that is kind of discouraging I easily get distracted checking my email. In one email the title of an article catches my eye: "Five Sensible Tips for Achieving Work-Life Balance" Could this article contain the precious nugget of knowledge that will make all my dreams come true?

Unfortunately not. It is not that the suggestions weren't good. Almost all of them made sense to me, except for the one from a woman who only sleeps 6 hours a night. I am one of those strange people that really does need 8 hours of sleep! As with any realistic plan for improvement it requires changing habits. An extremely difficult thing for any one to do, myself included.

So as much as I would like to spend each evening practicing my writing skills on this blog, the demands of my work and personal life have to be meet. On the blogs that I visit regularly, I am impressed with how often those bloggers post. How do they make the time? Am I just a slacker that I can't do it all?

How do you manage it? Comments any one?

Delusions vs. Daydreams

2007-06-06T18:39:00.001-04:00

The other day my husband asked me why I call this site Self Delusions and I told him it was because it sounded more interesting than Daydreams. After all, people who have delusions of being important use important sounding words. The same day I logged onto the Internet as was greeted by the following quote:

"Nothing causes self-delusion quite so readily as power."
Liu Binyan

Truth is I really don't have much power so that couldn't be the cause of my delusions or daydreams. After doing a bit more searching I found this quote which is closer to my situation:

"Delusions may be the only things which render life tolerable, and, as such, are jealously defended against all the assaults of reason."
Anthony Storr

My most jealously defended delusion is that something I have to say may be helpful to another human being. I've always thought this was proof that I am genuinely a good person. While listening to a radio program, I learned that many altruistic actions are really quite selfish. Perhaps the person doesn't want to feel guilty or wants others to see them as a good person. I think I fall into both categories. So, now I wonder if anyone does anything for unselfish reasons? Maybe we are all self-delusional?

Truth is I have thought about writing a book (or books) for years now. My thoughts have bounced around several topics. However, this small venture into writing a blog didn't start until one day I read the following quote:

"We can think a thought to death but only when we move upon the thought do we bless human lives."
Thomas S. Monson

Suddenly, I was feeling guilty that someone out there in that great big world needed my wisdom and I was selfishly keeping it to myself out of pure laziness!

Let the delusions continue!

Blog Browsing

2007-06-01T21:06:00.001-04:00

As I move past the dark mood that overtook me during the Memorial Day weekend, I am looking for insights on what makes a good blog. After all, if I am to achieve the self-delusion of people actually reading what I write I have to let my future readers know that I am here.

Is it appropriate to blog about my journey through blog world? What the heck I'm going to do it anyway.

Upon reaching the blogger login page, I notice their most recent addition to Blogs of Note: Once Upon a Feast I love food so I had to check it out. The pictures of the food were awesome and really made me hungry for some good Italian pasta. Then I noticed that the site had been nominated for Best Food Blog by Blogger's Choice Awards. What's that?? I had to check that out at: Blogger's Choice Awards They have lots of categories to chose from and because I am a sucker for cute animal pictures I checked out the Best Animal Blogger Cute Overload Definitely, a fun site for cute animal pictures. That didn't hold my interest too long and I returned to check out the Best Blog about Blogging. Only I didn't actually look at any of the blogs because I knew that I would stay for a while and I really just wanted to make a quick post before going back to my real life. Then I saw the category for Best Photography Blog and I had to see what was there. My husband sometimes thinks about quiting his day job and going professional with his photography and so I like to check out the competition. I looked at a couple of sites but the one I really enjoyed was The Pioneer Woman. I do think her pictures are nice but my loyalty must remain with my dear husband. What I liked was the stories she told. Perhaps because they remind me of my early years growing up on a farm. Her descriptions of her husband were right on target; she could have been describing one of my cowboy brothers.

After several hours, I realized that I still hadn't posted to my blog and I'd spent much more time than I had intended. Blog browsing can be very time consuming and quite addictive. So, perhaps on another journey through the blog world I'll actually learn how to publicize my site.

Memorial Day

2007-05-28T15:28:00.001-04:00

When I was a child, Memorial Day was spent visiting the graves of family members who had passed on. I moved away from home over 10 years ago and haven't had any graves to visit. For me Memorial Day has just become a welcome break from work; except for this year.

This year, my nephew is serving his second tour in Iraq. He is home with his wife and three children for two weeks leave and I got to talk to him briefly on the phone. It was good to hear his voice particularly because he sounded happy. Sure, he would be happy to be home visiting his family, but I was listening for any hint of trouble in his voice.

Of course, I worry about my nephew losing his life in Iraq. I also worry about him losing himself. I know people who were in the Vietnam War and the stories they tell make me worry for my nephew. My uncle was in the Vietnam War and when he returned his wife once woke him from a bad dream only to have him knock her out cold. In the dream he was still in Vietnam and he just reacted. My uncle was able to work through the damage that had been done to him during his tour of duty, but not all veterans have been so lucky.

Memorial Day is a day of remembrance and I wish that the leaders of our country had remembered the horrors of Vietnam when they were so eager to "save" Iraq. I am no expert on the Vietnam War but I have taken the time to learn a bit about that time in our history. For those people who think our country is so virtuous, the history of the Vietnam would be a surprise. It is not that I don't appreciate the freedoms that I enjoy in this country; I have just recognized that we are not perfect. With that understanding, we should learn from our mistakes to ensure that another generation is not scarred by a tragedy such as Vietnam.

It is also important to recognize that it is not just our people who are scarred. Many people across Southeast Asia were harmed by our actions during the Vietnam War. I recently visited Laos and I was troubled to learn that Laos was the most heavily bombed country in the Vietnam War. US pilots dropped bombs on Laos just to get rid of the bombs before landing in Thailand. Can you imagine how the people of Laos felt about that? Particularly when many of the Hmong hill tribe people were fighting the Viet Cong with us. The US secretly placed service men in Laos despite a Geneva Convention Agreement that Laos remain neutral. How can we ask other country's to abide by international law when we don't do it ourselves. Our careless actions such as these are often fueling the hatred towards the US.

It is my sincere hope that our leaders will make better decisions regarding foreign policy. We can not continue to act like the big school bully even under the guise that we are doing it for everyone's good. Not only is it not true, but everyone sees through it.

Vietnam: A Television History

In Love and War: The Story of a Family's Ordeal and Sacrifice During the Vietnam Years

Why a Pen Name

2007-05-26T09:51:00.001-04:00

It goes along with the self-delusion that my writing may actually be good and people may actually read this blog. If people do read this blog and I used my real name then my real friends and family may hear about it. I want to be anonymous so that I can say what I think with out worrying how the people I know will feel about it. I am really not a false person just very sensitive about offending those I love and I know that many of my opinions disagree sharply with the beliefs held by most of my family. I think they know it too because there seems to be an unspoken agreement that we don't talk about certain subjects.

To start off this blog, I want to share why I chose the name that I did. I named myself after three women who had a significant positive effect on my life.

Angela is the first name of my first true friend. I could say that she saved my life because she befriended me when we were in middle school and at that time I was considering suicide. She didn't realize it but she made me give life a second chance. She was an angel to me.

May is my older sister's middle name. This sister practically raised me and we share a close bond. I always knew my sister had stuck up for me in the rough and tumble family we had but I didn't realize what it had cost her until I confessed to her that I had been sexually abused by our brother. Turns out that when I was just a baby she was being sexually abused by another brother. When my mom and dad went away she would go and hide from my brother. She would hear me crying and she would come out of hiding to protect me even though she knew my brother was making me cry just to get her to come out.

Packard is the maiden name of my mother-in-law and the contribution that she made to my life was raising a son that is respectful, loving and understanding. Being from a family where the boys were cruel and self-serving made me appreciate what it takes to raise good children. I'm sure my father-in-law had a hand in the raising of my good husband as well but none of his name worked for my pen name.

So, now you know the other reason why I'm using a pen name ... dark family secrets. But don't jump to conclusions just yet. In everyone there is good and bad.