Letter to my Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

There is no good way to start this letter so here goes... I decided several years ago that I no longer wanted to be part of the LDS church.  I knew that you would find this decision hurtful and I wanted to avoid hurting you so I haven't said anything about my decision.  However, I have found that I have been unintentionally avoiding you so that you wouldn't find out and be disappointed or angry with me.  I am terrible at hiding my feelings or outright lying so I'm sure you have had suspicions.

I don't want to avoid you anymore but I am also afraid of how you will react.  I expect that you will be hurt and upset and I did consider that telling you in a letter instead of in person would be even more hurtful.  While I don’t want to hurt you anymore, in the end I just couldn’t get comfortable with doing this in person.  This is based on my experiences with how you have treated others who have stopped going to church and how you have treated me.  I realize that your perspective of some events may be different than mine so I want to share with you my perspective so that you understand my choice.  When I was still very young before I got baptized, Mom told me I couldn't play with JS because her mom and dad weren't taking her to church.  I also remember coming home from Primary, crawling under the dining room table and crying while I prayed for JS not to be sent to hell because she didn't go to church.  I also remember very well the first time I told you I wasn't going to church, you tried then to convince me to return to church and it was a very painful experience for me.  You wrote me accusatory and threatening letters that just broke my heart and I had to stop responding and engaging in further conversation on the topic.  When I called with the happy news that I was engaged but would not get married in the temple, Dad yelled at me until I was in tears.  

I don’t want a repeat of those experiences and I most certainly don’t want DS to experience anything like that.  I also don’t want to have the church pushed on him or me.  I need to be clear because we are planning to come visit this year and I don’t want to get involved in any arguments or angry conversations.  If I have any reason to believe that you would take advantage of a family visit to argue for my return to church, I will not bring my family to visit.  This may sound harsh but I feel it is better to be upfront about it now then to have misunderstandings later.

One of my reasons for sending a letter so far in advance of our visit is that you will have time to work through your feelings.  It is my hope that you will come to understand that while I am no longer part of the church, I am still your loving daughter who wants very much to be loved in return.  I expect that we will have opportunities to talk between now and our visit and I hope those conversations will be pleasant.  However, I will not respond to any letters or phone calls that do not respect my choices and are anything but loving.  

I will be honest that I’m hesitant to discuss the reasons I have chosen not to be a part of the church but I understand that you may want to know more.  I will try to briefly explain but this is intended simply to answer questions you might have; it is not intended to start a discussion.  I understand that you may want to try to convince me otherwise but I'm really not interested.  Based on my past experiences, discussions become arguments which only end in hurt feelings on both sides.  Perhaps I am putting too much emphasis on this point but it is only because it is very important to me.

Both DH and I were not happy in the church but still tried for years to gain testimonies just so that we could be accepted by our families.  The problem is that we never felt that we were good enough on our own which left us feeling inadequate, unworthy, etc.  Not a good way to go through life.  by simply choosing not to go to church and not to accept teachings that were contrary to our beliefs we have been more at peace with ourselves and happier.  We don't want DS to go through most of his life not quite sure of himself and always trying to please others instead of just being himself.  So, we must be the examples of how to live with peace and acceptance of oneself.

I do want to make it clear that my main reason for leaving the church is that I disagree with many of the teachings.  I know that you have always had a concern that I was reading "anti-mormon" literature which you assume is nothing but lies.  I am conscientious enough to check references and make sure that what I'm reading is factual.  Even so, my decision was primarily based upon the following reasons (not a comprehensive list).  

1. The church's doctrine that polygamy is an eternal principle and that there will be polygamy in heaven.  It always sounded more like hell to me.

2. Tied in with the church's doctrine about polygamy is the notion that if family members are not faithful enough to make it to the celestial kingdom they will be replaced and the faithful will be rewarded with even more family.  The idea that I could just be replaced as if I never existed at all always bothered me and didn't seem very loving at all.

3. I do not believe that a family must be sealed in the temple in order for them to be together in the next life.  No ceremony can supersede time spent lovingly building relationships between two people and a family.  What will bind us together in the next life is the love that we have for each other.

4.  Women are not treated as equals in the church.  I know that there are a lot of talks that say otherwise but this is a case of "actions speak louder than words".  It was in the way that I was treated as a possession of my father as a child and then a possession of my husband when I was married.  I was not asked if I would take a calling or give a talk until permission had been obtained from my father or my husband.

5. Another indication that women are not treated as equal is the double standard.  I loath the statement "boys will be boys" because it means that boys are allowed to behave badly.  When my brothers did something to hurt me, they were not punished.  Instead, I was asked what I had done to provoke them or counseled on what I should do to avoid getting hurt in the future.  I learned self defense to protect myself from my own brothers.

6. Because I believe that discrimination of any kind is wrong, I take issue with the church's support of discriminatory laws or practices.  I understand the argument that the church has the right to deny membership to those who do not meet the standards set by the church and they are simply supporting those standards.  I claim the same right and will not support any organization that maintains practices that I believe are wrong.

I do love you and want you to love me and my little family.  It is my sincerest hope that while we may disagree about the church that we can love and respect each other.  That we can visit and have enjoyable conversations and that DS will get to know his grandparents for the loving and kind people they are.

A Letter to my Parents - Prologue

My mother is in the hospital.  She slipped and fell.  She will be alright but it's brought up a lot of conflicting feelings for me.

I have, over the last 20 years, hidden from her and my father my varying levels of disaffection with the Mormon church.  Anytime I have tried to be honest with them about how I felt, it has been met with judgement and harsh words.  During the last few years my disaffection has turned to disbelief and I am now... gasp! ... an atheist.  I have not told my parents this and I'm so afraid of their reaction that I have not travelled to visit them during this time.  While I'm afraid of them saying cruel things to me, I am more afraid of how they will make my son feel.  He is still young and doesn't really know his grandparents.  He just like the idea of grandparents and wants to go see his.  What if we do go see my parents, they very quickly realize that he is being raised atheist and they freak out?  How is that going to affect him?  What if they go to extremes to try and "save" him from his parents?

With all of this concern weighing on me, I had a moment when I first learned of my mother's fall when a small part of me wished the fall were more serious.  If she passed, I would not have to face her judgement.  I would not have to explain to my son why his grandparents don't want to have anything to do with his parents or possibly even him.  Maybe it sounds heartless of me to think such a thing.  I am human and this pending conflict with my parents is something I wish I could avoid.  Unfortunately, the only way to avoid it is to not visit them until they have passed.  That isn't much better than telling them the truth and getting their response no matter how harsh.

With this in mind, I'm thinking of sending my parents a letter prior to visiting.  In the letter, I want to tell them that I no longer believe and ask them to respect my choices for how I live my life.  I also want to make it clear that if they do not respect my choices, I will be the one breaking off contact for I will not subject my son to their hatefulness.  The next posts will be portions or full drafts of that letter as I work through what I want to say and how I want to say it.  Regardless of how this ends, it will be good to be honest and take a step towards living without fear.

Balanced Gun Control

This week I had lunch with a bunch of coworkers, all of whom happen to be in the US on work visas.  The topic of Syria came up with the questions about whether or not the US was going to go "guns a blazing" into Syria like they did in Iraq.  The conversation was around whether or not the American people could really stomach more war.  These coworkers really have only been in areas of the US that are relatively liberal and not the gun-toting American west.  So, I tried in some way to explain the gun obsessed culture where negotiations are seen as weak and bullies are idolized.

The reality is that the US is really in a tough spot.  We don't have unlimited capabilities to fight in so many places but we act like we are the police officers of the world and the only ones who can accomplish any good.    Our president had to go and talk about red lines and now not only is he going to be seen as weak if he doesn't do anything but the conservative contingent is going to claim that America will look weak if we don't do anything.  No one is going to think; "Oh, Syria is an impossible situation for America to get into we should just stay out of it."

A few months ago, I was appalled at some of the posts that I saw on Facebook after the Sandy Hook Elementary school shootings.  From my perspective, it seems that my very own friends and family were more concerned about the government taking away their guns than they were about this tragedy that had just happened.  It was as if they were saying "This is horrible, now the government has another excuse to take away our guns" instead of "This is horrible, those poor children and their heartbroken families".

I recognized that I was so angry about this response to the tragedy that I needed to take my thoughts elsewhere before I posted something that would be hurtful to those I love.  Without really intending for it to happen, I've let some time pass and the anger has subsided.  This is a good thing because problems don't get solved when people are angry.  Not to say that I have any magic bullet to solve anything but I recognize that with my anger subsiding my reason and ability to understand other perspectives have returned.

With regards to the gun control issue, I would really like to see a balanced approach and there has to be a basic understand of a few things.
1. Laws are in place to define what is acceptable in a society; regulation and enforcement of the laws is the responsibility of the government.  If we as a society want the protection afforded by good laws we have to allow the government to enforce and regulate.
2. Freedom is not the absence of laws but is the ability to choose the laws that will govern us.  We make choices about the laws by voting for our representatives and in some cases voting for certain laws.  We will not lose our freedom so long as we do not give up our right to vote and use that right wisely.  In other words, know what you are voting for, educate yourself and those around you and vote in every election.
3. Democracy is compromise.  For all of us to live together in this society in peace, we have to compromise. Sometimes the laws I support will be accepted and sometimes the laws you support will be accepted and even though we disagree we both have to live by the laws which are put into place.

I would like to see laws enacted around who can buy and sell guns.  Buyers should have background checks, no exceptions.  A small inconvenience to law abiding citizens but a larger hurtle to those who have shown that they can't be trusted with guns in the first place.  This would also require that only licensed dealers can sell guns and they have to keep good records of their inventory.  The analogous set of laws would be those that govern prescription drugs.  We know that prescription drugs can be abused and so they can only be sold by pharmacies and a prescription from a doctor helps to ensure that only those who need the drugs get them.

I would also like to see additional requirements of gun owners.  I think they should have to get licensed and to do so they have to take a gun safety course and demonstrate their understanding of how to handle guns appropriately.  There should also be age restrictions on who can get licensed and handle a gun.  Children are not mature enough to understand the consequences of mishandling a gun and it is up to their parents to give them time to learn that before putting a gun in their hands.  This would be analogous to the requirements that we have in order to drive a car.  Both a car and a gun can be deadly in the wrong or untrained hands so why wouldn't they have similar requirements.

I honestly think the above would be acceptable to all sides of this issue but I don't know that we'll ever get there because people are unwilling to compromise.

This Thanksgiving I'm grateful for...

Thanksgiving 2012, I had planned a Thanksgiving dinner for my oversized extended family and spent too much money on flights to be with said family.  Being an organization freak, I spent my time during dinner making sure things were running on time so that we weren't keeping the kids up too late.  I had even planned some time for family members to express their gratitude.  As this was going on, I stood off to the side, feet hurting and hungry because I hadn't been able to eat yet.  Too busy making sure the people expressing their gratitude stuck to their allotted time and everyone who wanted a chance got a chance.  I was also replenishing food on the serving tables when needed.  The brother who had abused me for most of my childhood took his turn and mid way through he apologized to everyone for the "things he'd done wrong" when he was young.  I was pissed.  I'm certain that my mother had put him up to apologizing because the last time my mom and I had spoken about my inability to get a testimony of the church (Mormon) I had reference the way my brother had treated me growing up.  She had followed up on the conversation with a letter telling me I needed for forgive and forget like she had done.  So, I'm sure my mother was thinking that if my brother apologized I would have no excuse for not forgiving him.  Of course, my brother didn't even have the balls to face me and apologize he did it publicly so that everyone can say what a good man he is but his statements are so generic that they really don't mean anything at all.

For me, this was the beginning of the end.  I realized that I could not keep trying to please my family because all they wanted was to turn me into a soulless automaton who did exactly as I was told by them and the church.  They had no understanding of the effect that my childhood had on me and how damaged I felt.  How the persistent anxiety and guilt had destroyed my health.  I was not a person to them, I was a thing to be controlled.  It wasn't long after that when I had a similar experience at church and the realization that almost everyone who joined this church became like Stepford wives.  I had controlled my son's experience at church by volunteering to be his teacher but soon he was moving to a different class and I wouldn't be his teacher.  After sending him to this new class a couple of times, it became very clear to me that I couldn't subject him to this.  He'd be an automaton by the end of the year.  I stopped attending.  I got involved in some exmormon groups and learned even more about this so called religion.  I've heard all my life that that "The truth shall set you free" ... It sure does.

So, this Thanksgiving it seems appropriate to honor the event that literally changed my life.  I'm grateful for being able to finally see my family's true intentions and begin distancing myself from that destructive behavior.  I'm grateful for learning the truth about a deceptive organization that feeds off the guilt of millions.  I'm grateful to be going through life with less baggage and hope to lighten the load even more in the future.  I'm grateful that I can appreciate all that I have and not feel like God will take it away from me as a learning experience, or punishment or to humble me.  I'm grateful for true friends who accept me for who I am and not for who they think I should be.  I'm grateful for friends who have put up with my weirdness as I tried to sort through my feelings.  I'm grateful for a husband who put up with my attempts at being religious for years even though it really wasn't his thing.  I'm grateful that he even tried to be more religious at times to make me happy and I'm grateful that he was wise enough to know that pretending wouldn't make either of us happy.  I'm grateful that I was able to turn some shitty events in my childhood into motivation to better myself in such a way that I can now support my family in comfort.  I'm grateful that I am finally OK taking credit for the hard work and persistence that was required to create a better life for myself.  I'm grateful for ....

Really, I could keep going but I think I've made my point.  Interestingly enough, this year I feel more sincerely grateful than I ever have.  I think it is a result of not being afraid of losing what I have and not feeling obligated to be grateful (to God specifically).  As I've been writing, I've been trying to think of how to explain this but I just don't have an explanation.  However, I don't need an explanation to know that it feels great!

Living with almost...

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my brothers or as I used to think for years, almost sexually abused.  They did not actually have sex with me and that has left me in a kind of limbo where I'm not really sure how to feel about what happened to me.  One brother didn't touch me sexually, he would watch me bath or undress when he got the opportunity and he would hold me down and try out different techniques for torturing me.  The other brother would "tickle" me and "accidentally" touch my breasts.  The last time he did it, I actually felt him get a hard-on which seemed to embarrass him and he let me go.  For years, I would tell myself that I was lucky that they didn't do any more than what they did.  I couldn't understand why I struggled so much with my experiences when they "weren't that bad".

In college, when I started getting serious with my now husband, I started having panic attacks when things would get a bit hot and heavy.  I ended up seeing a counselor about it and she was the first person to validate my feelings that I had been sexually abused.  Though there was some suspicion that there might be some repressed memories which were preventing me from healing.  I went through age regression hypnosis and the event that I "remembered", I had never really forgotten.  One day the brother who liked to torture me, decided he wanted to find out what would happen if he suffocated me.  He held me down and covered both my mouth and nose with his hand.  I was probably 11 or 12 and he was 5 years older than me.  His hand easily prevented me from getting any air and I was completely helpless to get him off of me.  What I had forgotten was how terrifying this had been for me.  I'd made jokes about it and minimized it for so many years that I had suppressed not the memory but the emotions.  During this hypnosis session, I remembered how I tried to push him off of me, using all the tricks I had learned from previous incidents to get away from him and did not succeed.  I remembered how I stopped fighting because I didn't have the energy.  I remember my eyesight and hearing fading as my brain started to shut down.  Then I saw the blurry image of another brother's face peering over the shoulder of the brother suffocating me.  He said something but it just sounded like mumbling.  Then my brother let me go.  I ran.  I found myself outside the house sitting on the ground with my back against the house sobbing.  A police car drove past and as I watched it go by I thought about running to the car and telling the police officer what had just happened.  Maybe my brother would get arrested and I'd be free from his torture.  But I didn't think the police officer would believe me.  My own mother didn't believe me when I told her about the abuse when it started a year or two earlier.  I just sat there crying while I watched the police car drive down the street and felt so alone, so helpless, so resigned to my situation.  Sometimes I've wondered if the counselor was a bit disappointed that there wasn't more to it.  But the acknowledgement of how traumatic that experience had been was the first step for me to deal with the panic attacks.  It was suddenly clear that the panic attacks were triggered when I was physically put in a similar position to how I had been when my brother tried to suffocate me.  My counselor taught me how to calm myself down when I panicked.  It basically involved repeatedly reminding myself that I was no longer a child, I was a woman.  I was with the man I loved, not my hated brother and I was safe.  This simple solution worked and getting intimate with my husband hasn't triggered panic attacks since then but it doesn't really help keep the nightmares away.

Some years ago, I started reading more about sexual abuse and how to prevent it.  When I happened upon a website that included a listing of all the different kinds of sexual abuse, I felt amazingly vindicated when I read about voyeurism.  What I had been through had a name and it was considered sexual abuse.  Yes, my counselor from years ago had confirmed that I had been sexually abused but somehow because what I had experienced had not been as severe as it could have been it still felt like almost abused.  I would even tell myself that I was lucky it had not been worse; I could have been molested; I could have been raped.  However, pointing out how fortunate I had been that the abuse had not been worse only left me feeling guilty for continuing to struggle with nightmares, anxiety and other symptoms.

The site that I had happened upon was Darkness 2 Light (d2l.org) and it had so much information that I found helpful.  There was an explanation how there were a number of different factors that contributed to how traumatic sexual abuse was to a particular child.  I had been focused on the fact that I had not been molested and didn't understand why I couldn't just "get over it".  I came to understand that there are a number of factors that play into the amount of trauma experienced.  I had been raised in a very conservative Mormon home where viewing pornography was just as bad as fornication itself and the only thing worse than fornication was murder.  I was essentially my brother's pornography and that made me just as filthy.  It didn't matter that he was watching me without my consent and inspite of my varied attempts to keep him from seeing me.  When I went to my mother about what my brother was doing, she told me of ways I could keep my brother from seeing into my room but didn't do anything to my brother.  I was 10 and it was very clear that it was my responsibility to keep my 15 year-old brother away from me. Over the next 8 years with a 2 year reprieve while my brother served a mission for the Mormon church, I lived constantly looking over my shoulder, learning to dress without showing any skin, checking my walls for new peep holes, covering the ones I'd already found, fixing torn curtains, etc.  In that time, I also heard my dad make statements that it would be better for me to lose my life than give up my virtue (I attempted suicide twice) and that he didn't understand how a woman could get raped when she could run faster with her dress up than a man could run with his pants down (it was supposed to be a joke).  There was also the physical abuse.  My brother was so angry all the time.  It was like he blamed me as well for his inability to control his sexual desires and somehow torturing me made him feel better.  He was smart about it though and made sure that the things he did wouldn't leave a mark.  There was one time when he lost his temper and kicked me hard enough that I could barely walk.  Even then my parents didn't even ask what was wrong with my leg even though my friends at school did.  Maybe they knew and didn't want to have to deal with it.  I certainly wasn't going to say anything.  I knew that they wouldn't do anything about it and the next time I was alone with my brother I'd get it even worse.  Looking at what I went through in it's totality there is no other word for it... it was abuse.  It doesn't matter that others have been abused more or that I was not actually molested.  These were horrible experiences and I have every right to call it what it is... abuse; not almost abuse.

Recently, I read the following blog post on the Not Rape Epidemic and found the experiences described eerily familiar.  Although my brother never came out and threatened to rape me, it was very clear that he had the ability to do it.  Reading this article made me think about how many times I have thought I was lucky that the abuse wasn't worse and prompted me to write about how I have lived with almost abused and how I have felt guilty about being so screwed up by these events when they may seem as "not that bad" considering what others have gone through.  http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2009/01/not-rape-epidemic.html

Here's the thing... while I'm grateful that my experiences were not worse than they were, I'm not lucky.  I was incredibly unlucky to have been born into a family that was more concerned about appearances than the well being of the children in the family.  I was unlucky to have two brothers who felt that they had a right to use my body for their own pleasures.  I am unlucky to live in a society where abuse in all levels of severity is so prevalent.  As the author of the Not Rape Epidemic article wonders how many women have not been raped, I wonder how many have almost been abused.

Exit - No Reentry

I've left the Mormon church for good this time...Yes, I've left before but not with any real conviction to stay out.  The first time was in college and I stopped going to church because I wanted to sin (the number one reason why other Mormons think you would leave the Mormon church).  Actually, I was sinning, enjoying it and wanted to continue sinning.  After college, I moved across the country to live with my boyfriend and enjoyed living in sin for about 5 years.  It wasn't exactly easy because I did feel a bit guilty about sinning.  But just a bit.  I had come to the realization while I was in college that I really didn't know for sure if the Mormon church was true or not which is really important if you are Mormon.  Since I didn't have that testimony, keeping the other rules didn't really seem as important.  What really bothered me more was that I was lying about my life to my entire family.  That's right, they did not know I was living in sin.  They probably could have figured it out but I don't think they wanted to know the truth so they just didn't bother to look.  For some reason, I value my own honesty very highly and I really didn't like being dishonest.  Perhaps because I've had to keep dirty little secrets all my life and I hate it.  So, I didn't go so far as telling my parents that I was living in sin but I did tell them I wasn't going to church.  Based on their very poor reaction to that revelation they will not ever get the rest of the story.

My love and I finally got married (it was our own choice) and with the stigma of sin removed, there wasn't really any reason for us to not attend church which would mean so much to our families.  We'd really caught some flack for not getting married in the Mormon temple so going back to church was one way to appease the parents.  For a while, it was OK because we'd moved again to where the rumours of our past sins did not follow us and found a very friendly congregation.  We liked it so much that we actually looked for a house to buy that would keep us within the boundaries so that we could keep attending that congregation.

Unfortunately, about every six years or so in Mormon congregations the leadership changes.  Since all Mormon leadership are lay ministers it's kind of hit or miss whether or not you get a good set.  The next set was not as good and we quickly started to see the "personality" of the congregation change.  Because of our lack of a temple marriage, we became the charitable cause for people to try and get us to the temple.  We also didn't have children and soon I was asked to work with the nursery aged children (as if that would convince me to have children).  Then my husband got laid off and choose not to go back to work for awhile.  He didn't have to, I was making enough.  However, he was constantly pestered with people trying to find him a job.  He stopped going to church.  I know that none of this sounds really bad, it's almost something that you had to experience to know how demeaning it was.  No one bothered to ask how you were doing.  They all assumed you must be so unhappy because your life wasn't what it was supposed to be in their eyes.  We constantly felt looked down upon.

Also, during this time the lessons that were being taught in church seemed to be changing.  Instead, of lessons that were well thought out and inspired one to do better with their lives using teachings from Jesus and other scriptures, they were propaganda-style recitations of why everyone should go to the temple and avoid sin.  Then the politics came in.  It felt like we were being told in church who we should vote for.  One person even said over the pulpit that we should all vote the same way that the president of the church votes and he's a registered Republican.  Most of the other comments were only slightly more veiled.  Like, the church does not support abortion so you shouldn't vote for anyone who isn't pro-life.  The Mormon church's support of banning gay marriage in California was another big problem for me.  I wanted to just scream "Separation of Church and State is there for a reason!"  Then there was the invasion of Iraq, I kind of understood Afghanistan but there really was not a good reason for Iraq and it really bothered me that Mormons were so supportive of the invasion of Iraq.  It felt like a betrayal to Christian ideals to be so damned blood thirsty.  Besides the scriptures in their own Book of Mormon that seemed to caution against this war...of course, everyone else interpreted those scriptures differently.

This was about the time that I started this blog because I needed a way to vent and I really didn't have anyone in my real life who would understand.  Either they were fully Mormon and wouldn't understand my doubts and problems with the church or they were never Mormon and couldn't understand why this religion had such a hold on me.  I also started reading about some of Mormon history focusing on topics to support my feminist leanings.  I was looking for anything that would reassure me that women had hope that eventually they would be treated better than they were currently in the church.  Instead of finding hope, I just found even more abusive and demeaning treatment of women in the church's history and I stopped looking.  Besides, life was getting better for me at work and at home and who wants to spend time obsessing about something depressing when you can be enjoying life.

So, with the birth of my first child I had another excellent excuse to stop going to church... It was a difficult pregnancy, I had an autoimmune disease and I was just too blasted tired for church! Looking back on it now, I'm surprised that I actually spent 9 years back in the church.  At the time, I never really felt fully part of the church.  Always a bit outside by asking the controversial questions and calling male leaders on sexists behaviors.  It just didn't seem like that long until I did the math and then I thought "No wonder I'm tired,  fighting against that culture for 9 years is exhausting!"

However, because I didn't leave at that time thinking I'd had enough but instead just thinking that I need some time to adjust to my new normal, I went back.  Again, we'd moved and I had the hope that this new congregation wouldn't have the same issues as the old (re: politics, sexism, etc.).  I couldn't bring myself to attend all the meetings so I just went to the nursery with my son.  Pretty soon, they asked me to teach in the nursery and I thought "why not" if I was going to be there anyway.  They had a new nursery manual but after my previous experience of teaching in the nursery I really only needed to know the title of the lesson to be able to deliver it.  These were 3-year-olds after all.  However, some of the lessons had changed and I was appalled to see lessons about how God loves us replaced with lessons that said God loves us when we go to the temple or pay our tithing or some other such thing.  They were basically teaching these kids that God's love is conditional.  The more lessons I saw like this really troubled me.  Probably the kicker was Mitt Romney as presidential candidate and seeing everyone go all goo-goo eyed over him.  Nevermind whether or not he was a good candidate he was Mormon and Republican.  I first came to accept that all the things that I didn't like about church were things that were inherently ingrained in the church.  I had accepted them as a child because I didn't know any better.  That first congregation which started off as a good experience was likely just an extended "honeymoon" because we liked the people and appreciated having a ready-made community (makes moving easier).  So, we overlooked the things we didn't like because there were things we did like.  Now, the curtain had been pulled back and I couldn't pretend anymore that the problems were going to go away.  The church leadership certainly showed no signs of reform or even a desire to acknowledge any problem.  I also realized that if I continued to take my son to church I was inadvertently telling him that this Mormon culture is OK.  My attendance was a form of acceptance.  I was not OK with my son learning to be a misogynist and I was not willing to let him believe that he had to do all these ridiculous things to be loved by God... or by me.  Soon I was going to church less and less and finally told the church leadership they'd have to find someone else to teach the nursery.  It was kind of anti-climatic, I just disappeared.

About the same time, another family member went public about his disbelief in the Mormon church.  In his case, he'd studied the history of the church and had shown Joseph Smith to be a fraud.  As he shared with me what he learned, I felt a great sense of relief.  I was leaving the church because it didn't feel right but not because I knew that it wasn't true.  I'd accepted the possibility that if I was wrong and the church was true that I'd rather live true to my beliefs than live miserably trying to make it work.  I would accept the consequences even it that meant going to hell.  Besides, I figured real hell couldn't be as bad as the heaven that Joseph Smith described.  It was a relief to have tangible evidence that the whole Mormon church was nothing but a cooked up scheme by Joseph Smith and his cohorts.  Now, I could essentially throw out anything I'd been taught in that miserable church and start over from a more loving and accepting place.  Yes, I'm quite pissed off about how much I got screwed up by this church.  Nearly half of my life spent feeling guilty about things that were just made up stories.

I'm still sorting through my feelings about the Mormon church and my decision to leave it and I debate on how much I want to reveal to family and friends.  On one hand, I don't really want them getting nosy about my life which they would if they knew.  I'd need "saving" or something.  I tend to lean to "live and let live" and expect the same from others but the chances of getting that from my overly controlling family is slim to none.  On the other hand, I don't like seeing my loved ones get screwed and see younger generations get exposed to the same hurtful teachings that screwed with my head.  I'd really like to stand up for what I believe is right but I question how effective it would be and if the personal ramifications would be too great.  As you can see, I may have exited but now the real journey begins.

What is wrong with us?

We want it to be illegal for some people to express their love for each other by making a commitment in marriage but we want to ensure that guns whose primary purpose is that of violence against humans and animals remain legal.

What do I believe?

It's a question that I'm asking myself a lot lately and I don't know how to answer it.  I've spent the last 20 years as an on-again-off-again Mormon... mostly because I was raised Mormon.  I don't think I would have joined if I hadn't been born into the church.  Over the last few months, I returned because I wanted my son to understand the religion that is such a huge part of his families lives.  Except it's not a huge part of our life and as I spend time going to church, associating with other Mormons and reading liberal Mormon blogs, I am reminded of all the reasons I wouldn't join the church if I weren't already Mormon.  Now, I'm asking myself "What am I doing to my son?"  Teaching him things that I don't really believe myself.  I feel like a huge hypocrite.  The thing is I really want to believe so much of what is taught at church... not just in the Mormon church but in any religion.  I want to believe there is life after death because I am so afraid of losing my family and never seeing them again.  I want to believe that I can pray for them each and every day and know that they will be kept safe.  The problem is there are far too many examples of families who did pray and loved ones were still lost.  I know the whole line that God's answer to a prayer is no and He has a plan that we don't see.  I want a guarantee.  I want to know that if I do certain things that my family will be protected... but instead I know that it doesn't work that way.

Then I ask myself "if my religion can't do for me the one thing I want it to do more than anything else, what is it good for?"  I'm still looking for that answer.  Thinking about things that have brought me comfort and peace in my life and how they relate or don't relate to religion.  I'm wondering now what to do next, where do I go from here.  I know that I can't sell myself out just to bury fears in an ignorant belief that if I follow a religion to the letter it will guarantee that my family will be with me for eternity.  The reality is that would probably split my family apart far sooner.  I would become bitter and miserable putting up with doctrine that minimized me as a woman and laid guilt on me for doing the things that I'm good at.  Then there is the description of heaven which sounds more like hell to me with righteous men rewarded for their good deeds with multiple wives.  The price for this eternal family as offered by the Mormons is too high for me.  But where do I go to get the more reasonable and loving religion that I seek.  I know there are so many to chose from and on occasion I visit some different churches.  I feel a bit like P.J. FunnyBunny in the book "It's not easy being a Bunny".  No one knows a Mormon like another Mormon... even a failed Mormon.

Fear Itself

I didn't consciously recognize that today was the one month anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings until I heard that it was on the way home from work this evening.  However, subconsciously or instinctually, I must have known it this morning.  It started off as any other day with my pushing my son to wake up, eat his breakfast and get ready for school.  We were running late as usual.  Finally, in the car and on our way.  It didn't even feel different when I took him into his classroom and gave him a hug and a kiss as I explained once again that Mommy can't stay Mommy has to go to work. 

As I walked out of the classroom, I paused and intentionally pushed the door closed... more secure than just walking off as it closed on it's own.  That's when my stomach started churning and as I walked to my car I was growing more and more uncertain about leaving my son at school this morning.  But, I had a meeting that I was going to be late for.  I kept walking.  Driving away from the school the knot in my stomach pulled at me to go back, get my son.  I resisted, this isn't logical.  I don't have any real reason to be concerned.  What about my mother who claimed on so many occasions to receive inspiration to take certain actions which lead to ensuring the safety of one family member or another.  Could this be such an inspiration?  I don't know, I was never very good at sorting out what was my own crazy thoughts and what was actually "inspiration".  I resolved to call my husband as soon as I could and tell him to go pick up my son.  I would have called him on the way to work but I'm not good a dialing numbers while I drive.

So, I get to work, postponed that meeting which I was already late for and called my husband.  I didn't immediately tell him to go and get my son.  I explained how I was feeling and how scared and nervous I was about leaving our son at school today.  My husband gave me all the rational explanations about why I shouldn't worry.  The chances of another Sandy Hook happening are so small.  We chose a good school in a good area of town.  It's a small school not very well known... etc.  I explained that I'd already gone through that and what I was feeling was not rational it was completely and utterly an irrational fear.

Talking about it with my husband calmed me down and helped me get back to my day and once I got busy with meetings and other work items, the fear I had experienced was temporarily forgotten.  Then on my way home as I listened to the news and the commentary about this being the one-month anniversary, I realized that what I had experienced was a mini-panic attack.  I've had them before, years ago when I was still coming to terms and recovering from the abuse I'd suffered at the hands of my brother.  I'm not sure why I am affected so much by the Sandy Hook incident.  I didn't even remotely know anyone who was killed on that day.  Perhaps it is affecting me because I know what it is like to have a loaded gun pointed at me with the threat of imminent death.  The thought that plaques me is the fear those children had to endure on that day when a place where they were supposed to be safe was attacked.  I keep thinking that the fear must have been terrible and I cry thinking about those moments before they were released to God.

The parents of the children lost at Sandy Hook are asking that this be a turning point at which this country gets serious about addressing the violence.  I very much agree with this and that there is not a single approach that will solve the problem.  There are many issues which need to be addressed.  For me, because of my experiences I feel strongly that everyone in this country needs to have more respect for guns.  They are not toys to be casually shared with our children (pictures of your toddler holding a gun are not cute).  They are not the ultimate protective device (having one does not make you Clint Eastwood).  The threat of you having one is not going to magically ward of criminals (they have one too so it doesn't make you special).  This is not something that a law can change (though better laws are needed), this is a change of attitude which is much more difficult to change.  I pray that we may find a way to change it otherwise we will have good reason to fear; fear itself.

Tired of the NRA Propoganda

So, I have started making my way to creating a post on this blog several times now but I keep getting distracted.  Primarily, I'm getting distracted by the posts on the Feminist Mormon Housewives blog.  What they have to say is far more interesting than the slop that is on Facebook.  I really don't know why I bother except that my family is on Facebook and each day I check their posts just hoping for some morsel about how their lives are really going.  I have been very much disappointed lately.  Which brings me to the one very simple thing that I want to express...

I find it very offensive that since the Sandy Brook Elementary shootings there are more posts on Facebook about the fear of losing our right to bear arms then about the lives lost in that incident.  Really!  What is more important here?  I really don't mind people having guns (with in reason!) but my reaction to this onslaught of fear mongering regarding gun control can be compared to an exhasperated parent whose child is throwing a fit yet again.  "Just take them all away!  You can't play with them nicely, then you can't have them at all"

So much of this comes from my own family members.  For the most part my family members are good people.  So, what is this world coming to when the good people think more violence (i.e. teachers carrying guns in school) is the solution for the violence we are dealing with.

I've already ruffled a number of feathers over this topic and I'm trying really hard not to get in another argument but it's really, really hard when I see some of these posts that to me are so obviously propoganda from the NRA.  I am a proponent of the 2nd amendment within reason but raffles to give away automatic rifles?  You know the ones that look like a gun a soldier should be carrying.  I think we've gone to the extreme people!

Blogging

It's after midnight and I'm sitting here thinking about whether or not I should attempt to blog again. Honestly, I think I am really delusional to think that I can keep up with it. I am a fan of Feminist Mormon Housewives but I rarely get a chance to read their posts. Each time I do, I think "Wow, these women have time to take care of their houses, their children and do thoughtful research and write about it on a blog" I want to be able to research the topics that interest me and write about them, get feedback from the world at large and have intelligent discussions.

Instead, I occasionally get into an argument on Facebook with a friend or family member and I'm always the one to back off because I value the relationship more than winning the argument. Besides, I don't have the time that it would require to adequately back-up my view point and chances are the friend or family member wouldn't consider the logic and reason I put into my defense. They know what they know and there is no changing their mind. Sometimes, I'm a bit jealous of their confidence in their own view point. Perhaps if I were so sure of being right, I wouldn't feel the need to spend so much time researching my point of view to convince myself that I have it right.

So, this is my dilemma when considering whether or not I should be blogging. I can't just sit and write what ever comes to my mind. I need to figure it out and put it down in words that I have studied out to make sure they are exactly the right words. I really don't have time to do all that. At the same time, I think I need to do something because otherwise, I'll start to believe that I am insane to think that my Facebook friends and family are wrong and maybe I should just submit and go along. Either that or I'll continue having arguments and I'll get de-friended by everyone I know. Which in one sense wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing because Facebook is a terrible waste of time but I really do care about my friends and family and want to know how their lives are going and it seems Facebook is the only way to do that these days. No one calls any more just to chat ... they send a Facebook message.

I know that I'm rambling but there is a method. Sometimes to get started on doing something that one knows needs to be done, one should take a first step no matter how lame that first step is.

First step ... done.

Humanitarian Services

I don't have much time to blog these days but was asked to post this link in support of the efforts of the LDS Church in Haiti. The thing I like about the LDS Humanitarian Services is that 100% of the money donated goes to help out. Administrative costs are taken from other funding sources. Click the link below to learn more and donate:

Humanitarian Services

My Eternal Dilemma

About a year and a half ago my parents came for a visit and we really had a great time visiting the sites and just spending time together. Then one afternoon we were sitting around the table chit chatting when my father felt it necessary to remind me that I would not be with my husband forever because we had not been married in the temple. For those not familiar with the Mormon faith, the temple is considered more sacred than an ordinary church building and it is where special ceremonies are performed. In the case of a temple marriage ceremony, it is meant to bind a husband and wife together beyond death thus it is called an eternal marriage.

The concept of being with your family forever is really wonderful (ok maybe not for someone who had a really bad family but imagine a very loving family here). Because I love my husband deeply, I want nothing more than to have an assurance that our association and love will continue beyond death.

I didn't appreciate my father's reminder. To me it was obvious he was trying to manipulate my emotions to make me feel guilty about my choice not to get married in the temple. I tried to explain why I made the choice but a subsequent letter from my mother after they had returned home confirmed that they really hadn't heard me.

Going to the temple to get married isn't like showing up for church on Sunday morning. You have to get a temple recommend which is a certification that you are living a life worthy of entrance into the temple. What is considered worthy? Well, you can't be smoking, drinking or having sex outside of marriage. There are also questions asked about whether or not you support church leaders and if you belong to groups that oppose church doctrines.

It's this last bit that I struggle with. I don't have a problem supporting leaders even if I don't always agree with them as long as I feel that they are sincerely seeking the best for those they are leading. Just because someone is denoted as a leader doesn't mean they are immediately perfect and I understand that I can't hold minor imperfections against people in leadership positions. In many cases, they are simply doing the best that they know how. However, I am very concerned when it is expected that my "support" be more like blind following. Often I do not feel free to question something a church leader has said or done. I'm not talking about questioning in a critical way but questioning in an "I'm trying to understand" way. Blind following is what leads hundreds of people to drink poisoned lemonade and I don't want to be part of anything like that.

I also struggle with the fact that I do disagree with some purported church doctrines. I have for years distinguished between the church and the gospel. The gospel is what Christ taught in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon. It is simple and easy to understand. The church is an organization of men and women who are trying to live the gospel and they have developed programs and meetings and anything else that they can think of to help people live the gospel. However, all the various aids are not the gospel. While they may help some they are not what is important. Sometimes, I feel that the church and everything that goes with it are the things that are made to be important and the simple, easy to understand gospel is forgotten.

To me the gospel of Christ is captured in just two commandments which I quote from the New Testament in Matthew Chapter 22:
"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."
I believe that any doctrine must comply with these two commandments.

Some of the things that the church has done and continues to support do not really comply with these two commandments. For example, while the church doesn't currently practice polygamy, they did when the church first started. That practice caused so much heartache and pain for so many women and some men that it doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself". Additionally, the mentality that women are subject to men is not completely gone from the church. In my family, this subjugation was cast in the light that men were to be responsible and care for their wives and daughters. It was OK for women to defer to men because the men were heroic and noble protectors of women. Of course the men would never do anything to harm a woman! Well the reality of this situation in my experience was that I felt like a second-class citizen in my own family. While my brothers were encouraged, I was restricted. When my brothers got jobs in high-school they were industrious. When I asked permission to get a job (other than babysitting) I apparently was inferring that my father was unable to take care of me which was an insult. Keeping women from holding the priesthood and most leadership positions seems to reinforce the sense of entitlement that many men have and unfortunately abuse of women in varying degrees. Again it just doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself".

While my concerns about how women fit into the church culture are the most significant cause for my doubt in the validity of the church, there are other doctrines that also cause me concern. It is however, the doubt which I feel that keeps me away from the promised eternal marriage with my husband. If I doubt that some aspects of the church are true and sanctioned by God, then how can I be sure that the temple marriage ceremony will indeed guarantee that I will be with my husband after death?

The temptation is to go through the ceremony, just in case it is what it purports to be. However, it's not as simple as that. In parts of the temple ceremony, participants are asked to make commitments to live God's commandments and of course it is implied that God's commandments are the doctrines of the church. Because the temple ceremonies are considered sacred, participants are also asked to keep the proceedings secret. What is disturbing to me is that the promise to keep the secret is something like "I'd rather disembowel myself than reveal the sacred ceremonies" (I am paraphrasing what I heard from others who have gone to the temple.) It just feels a little too much like "drink the poisoned lemonade". I take my commitments seriously and I would feel like a hypocrite going through the motions and making commitments when I'm not entirely sure that there is any truth to the promises of the temple.

This is really very hard for me, particularly now as my husband and I prepare for the birth of our baby. Of course I want that reassurance that we will still be a family even after death. That death will not separate us. But I don't know if the temple ceremonies can actually provide this. Many people believe it will, but honestly no one living knows this. Do I sacrifice my integrity and pretend to agree with things just to go through this temple ceremony? How can God expect me to follow through on a commitment to keep his commandments if I trade in my integrity on this? So much about God is speculation anyway; maybe God doesn't require ceremonies to bind a family together. Maybe it's the love that we feel for one another that binds us. To me the love is much more real than any ceremony.

Back from the Brink

Honestly, I was not as close to the brink as it may have felt to me. This pregnancy has been tiring, painful and filled with fear. I have asked the inevitable but pointless question of "why me" on a number of occasions. The past week or so has been better as judged by the fact that I no longer need to take Tylenol every 4 hours. I'm actually making it a whole 24 hours at a time! I've been hesitant to celebrate for fear that I might jinx myself. I'm not normally superstitious but I figure there is no harm in playing it safe.

With all of that, I have still been able to go to work and manage well enough. Obviously, things like blog writing and reading were not a priority and most evenings I spent lying on the couch recuperating from an exhausting day. Today was probably the most productive day that I have spent at home in the last 5 months. I'm rebuilding my computer (hard drive died), I helped a friend get her computer fixed, I went to the baby store with my husband to look at cribs and I even cleaned up my desk a bit. It made me feel like I had just emerged from a thunderstorm and finally stood in the sun.

It's hard sometimes for me when I'm not feeling well to appreciate that I'm not as bad off as I could be. For some reason, I always focus on what I'm not able to do instead of what I am able to do. Yes, I was able to get up and go to work everyday and be somewhat productive at work. Did I congratulate myself for that accomplishment? No, I felt cheated because I was constantly taking pain killers and patiently listening to co-workers comment on how big I am. I was depressed because I came home and retreated to the couch where I lay night after night watching stupid TV serials because they took my mind off the pain that the pain killers didn't kill (I refused to take the narcotics that my OB prescribed).

Now, if I had been really bad off I would have been taking the narcotics because the severity of the pain would have driven me to it. If I had been really bad off I would have be confined to bed. Above all, I have to thank God every day that our little one is hanging in there and appears to be developing as expected. While I may be hurting, our baby is healthy!

I think my problem is that I focus on what others are able to do. I watched my sister manage a difficult pregnancy while she also took care of her other two children. I remember reading blog posts from women who were raising several children, managing their homes and still posting well-though-out, lengthy posts to their blogs. I quickly came to the realization that I can't compete.

I don't know why I can't do everything that I see others doing. Maybe it's really not that important to me? Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe my ADD has more of an impact on my life then I want to admit? I watch the high-powered moms in awe and I want to keep up and do what they do but I'm just too tired and I hurt too much.

So, I'm back from the brink and feeling better. Still way too big for being 5 months pregnant and still in a little pain but really much, much better. However, I'm not making any promises to post on a regular basis or to meet the high standard being set by the moms I know. I just hope to continue, as my doctor put it "tolerating it well".

If I had the Time

If I had the Time ... and energy of course.
I'd comment on every blog post that interested me.
I'd write clever and well thought out posts on my own blog.

I'd watch a movie every evening with my husband.
I'd reply to every email I receive.
I'd call my family members regularly (more than once a year).

I'd finish all those crafty projects that seemed like such good ideas at the time.
Projects with all the materials purchased but stored in my closet because there simple wasn't time or energy ... or both.

Then of course, I'd write a book about all I'd achieved because I had time and energy.
I'm sure I'd make millions because everyone would like to know ...
How in the world did she get all the time and energy?

I know this because that's what I wonder about the people I read about ...
when I have time ... and energy of course.

Complaining

So, I'm really happy to be pregnant and all the ultrasounds show a healthy active baby. So, what is there to complain about? Well, I have Behcet's disease which is an autoimmune disorder that causes all kinds of problems. It's not a big deal when I take the immune suppressing medicine I'm prescribed but I'm not supposed to take any medicine when I'm pregnant. Also, the pregnancy hormones affect the severity of the symptoms. Bottom-line I'm getting hammered. Ulcers through out my digestive tract, bruise-like lesions on my legs, inflamed sinuses and now I have a new symptom of raised itchy bumps on my legs. Since all these symptoms are quite uncomfortable, I'm finding it difficult to sleep and lack of sleep is a contributor to the severity of the Behcet's symptoms.

Last week, I had to be put on a course of steroids because the symptoms got so bad that I thought I might miscarry. Fortunately, after a trip to the emergency room the doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was not in jeopardy. No sooner had I gotten off the steroids that many of the symptoms returned. A couple of days ago, I finally crashed and slept for 11 hours. It felt so good but I still woke up tired.

So, I'm sitting on my couch, still in my pajamas and feeling sorry for myself wondering how in the world am I going to get through the next 6 months of this pregnancy.

Answering Some Questions

My friend Zhu (who I think is the only person who reads my blog) asked me some questions about Mormonism. This post is my attempt to answer those questions.

Question 1: Why is religion so important in North America (the Mormon perspective).

First, I should mention that I obviously don't know the exact answer to this question. Perhaps a well funded research project could accurately answer the question but I'm not well funded and have limited time so I'm just giving my opinion.

This is a very interesting question, particularly considering that most of North American culture is just an extension of European culture since most of us immigrated from Europe at some point in the past. So, why has religion become less important for Europeans while continuing to be very important for North Americans?

I do think that the original reasons that brought people to North America have strongly influenced the North American culture as it started to diverge from European culture. The early settlers came to North America to escape religious persecution in their home countries. At the time that North America was being settled the governments in Europe were heavily influenced or outright run by religious organizations. Cults took membership away from the recognized religious organizations which was equal to a loss of revenue. The persecution of these cults was a way to prevent further loss of membership. Cults were painted as strange and evil and people were taught that joining a cult would mean eternal damnation.

The early settlers of North America who came for religious freedom were very pious and believed very strongly that their religion was the only thing protecting them from the evils of the devil. By the time Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) came along there were quite a number of religious sects and they were all trying to build up their congregations. Joseph Smith took to heart a verse in the Bible, John 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." As the story goes, Joseph's answer to his prayer about which church to join was a visit from God the Father and Jesus Christ telling him that none of the existing churches were correct. Of course when Joseph shared this story with people he became persecuted as well as anyone who did believe his story. The persecution eventually led to his murder.

In between that first prayer and Joseph Smith's murder a lot of stuff happened but I'm trying to keep it brief. The key points are that Joseph received and translated an ancient record known as the Book of Mormon (this is where the Mormon nickname came from). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was formed. Joseph received other revelations which became the Doctrine and Covenants. There was also another ancient record that Joseph translated and became the Pearl of Great Price. So, basically we have more scriptures than just the Bible.

There are two points to this background. First, Mormons got a double dose of persecution and we are brought up on stories about how people died for the right to believe as they wanted and were chased from England (in my family's case) to New England and then all the way to Utah when they converted to Mormonism.

The second point relates to the additional scriptures. Not only were we taught to fiercely defend our right to worship as we choose, we also had scripture that contained dire warnings for people who failed to live according to the gospel doctrine. To be clear this is not the "all sinners will go to hell and eternal damnation" line. Mormons are very much believers in natural consequences. Such as if you take drugs they will destroy your brain. It's a natural consequence not God out to get you for being a sinner.

The particular scripture that I am thinking about is from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is an account of a group of Israelites who left Jerusalem 600 years prior to the birth of Jesus and travelled to the Western Hemisphere. They established a civilization that after some time became a democracy. When they became a democracy they were advised: "if the time should come that the voice of this people should choose iniquity, that is, if the time should come that this people should fall into transgression, they would be ripe for destruction." (Alma 10:19) The historian William Durant said basically the same thing with out the religious context: "A Great Civilization Is Not Conquered from without until It Destroys Itself from Within"

So, the Mormons (in general) are essentially concerned the entire country will be destroyed if we elect leaders who do not support "Christian" values. I put quotations around "Christian" because values such as honesty, kindness, fidelity, temperance, etc. are not specific to any religion. However, talking to some Christians you would think that they invented these values. Mormons and I think some other Christians (again in general) get even more specific in the values they feel must be promoted by their government because they feel that support of abortion, homosexual marriage and other things they consider to be sinful is choosing iniquity. So, this is why in my opinion you have people voting for politicians who claim to have the same religious views. It is why religion is so important. If you vote for or support someone that doesn't share your view of what is evil then it is no different then choosing evil yourself. Choosing evil = destruction of civilization as we know it = eternal damnation.

Now for the irony of this whole thing. In the religious right mindset, supporting abortion and homosexual marriage is bad but invading another country, killing hundreds of that country's citizens and torturing people is OK. To ease the conscience claim this is done as self defense (never mind that the country in question never attacked the United States).

It is particularly sad to me to see so many Mormons fit into this mindset (including most of my extended family). Mormons are taught to “liken” the scriptures to them, meaning that we are to learn from the stories and choose better paths. Early on in the Book of Mormon the people split into two groups the Nephites and Lamanites. To keep it simple, the Nephites were usually the good people and the Lamanites were the bad people. Now, towards the end of the Book of Mormon, this civilization of people is coming to an end because the two groups are fighting until the elimination of each other.

At the beginning of this final conflict, the Lamanites would attack the Nephites but in most cases the Nephites prevailed because they had their defenses prepared but the Nephites became full of themselves. “And now, because of this great thing which my people, the Nephites, had done, they began to boast in their own strength, and began to swear before the heavens that they would avenge themselves of the blood of their brethren who had been slain by their enemies. And they did swear by the heavens, and also by the throne of God, that they would go up to battle against their enemies, and would cut them off from the face of the land. And it came to pass that I, Mormon, did utterly refuse from this time forth to be a commander and a leader of this people, because of their wickedness and abomination.” (Mormon 3:9-11) The Nephites wickedness was that they were murders, robbers, rapists and war mongers. It was not because they didn’t fit into a tight definition of a “good Christian”.

The Nephites took to going on the offensive and when they did they failed. When the Lamanites attacked and the Nephites were in the defenses they had built around their cities the Nephites were able to successfully repel the Lamanites. Mormon later wrote a letter to his son Moroni describing how bad things had gotten: “And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue—And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery. O my beloved son, how can a people like this, that are without civilization— (And only a few years have passed away, and they were a civil and a delightsome people) But O my son, how can a people like this, whose delight is in so much abomination— How can we expect that God will stay his hand in judgment against us?” (Moroni 9:9-14)

Now, I’m not saying that the actions of the United States are to the degree of what is described above but I do see similarities in how the United States got involved in Iraq. I also see similarities in the attitude of revenge and the willingness to torture and kill others. Americans worry that having a pro-choice president will mean that the country is going to hell in a hand basket but don’t think twice about the atrocities that are sanctioned by our government overseas.

Just a quick note … I am very appreciative of our military and I am not attributing the evils that I see to the individuals in the military. I feel that it is the leaders of our country who have been irresponsible and have put our military in a compromised position. I feel that they have done this not to protect freedom as they claim but for their own gains whether that be political, financial or egotistical.

There will be future posts with the other questions but this post is quite long enough.

The Latest on the Baby Front

Yes, I had an appointment today but we didn't get to hear the baby's heartbeat. I have this big ol' fibroid on my uterous that prevents us from hearing the heartbeat. We did get to see the baby once again on the ultrasound and this time it actually looks like a baby, about the size of a grape. On the ultrasound we could see the heart beating and the baby even moved while we were watching.

It's starting to seem more real now and I guess we'll have to start telling people because the other side effect of this fibroid is that I look about 5 months pregnant even though I'm only 2 months pregnant.

Creating a Universalist Mormon

My husband and I have been talking about what traditions we want to teach our child. We both agree that there are some aspects of Mormon culture (to be distinguished from the doctrine taught in the Book of Mormon) that we do not want our child to learn.

One of these aspects that was prominent in my childhood was the tradition of excluding anything or anyone that was not "Mormon". The books in our house had to be sanctified by my parents as pro-Mormon and our friends had to be active Mormons. My husband and I don't want that life for our child, we want our child to be exposed to and appreciate all of the world's religions and all of the world's cultures. We hope that our child will have a variety of friends; we only ask that they are good kids.

The question is how do we accomplish this goal. I enjoy attending the Mormon congregation that I attend. I have friends there and I like the feeling of community that I get being part of the congregation. I have good memories of attending the children's classes and as a teenager participating in the youth activities. Just because I don't like some aspects of the Mormon culture, I don't want to discard the things that were good and beneficial.

However, if we allow our child to participate in the activities, our child is going to be exposed to the aspects of Mormon culture that we don't like. While it is going to be a challenge to ensure that our child doesn't accept the teachings that are not in line with our beliefs, we are going to have the challenge regardless. Each place our child goes, whether it be church, school or friends homes he/she is going to be exposed to beliefs with which we don't agree.

So, we'll continue to attend our Mormon congregation and make sure we are talking to our child and correcting any teachings that disagree with our beliefs. We will also take our child to the Thai Buddhist temple that we like to visit from time to time. We will probably also take our child to other congregations of other denominations. We already have a wide variety of books and our discussions among ourselves cover a number of topics that are not always pro-Mormon. The reality is that my husband and I are open and accepting so chances are that is what our child will learn.

Our desire to raise our child in an open and accepting environment is not against Mormon beliefs. This openness seems to be something that has been conveniently forgotten when it doesn't benefit the believer. Our 13th article of faith says: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."". In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that supports acceptance: "For behold, the Lord doth grant [teachers] unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true." (Alma 29:8) I added the word teachers to provide some context. If the Lord gave teachings to all nations then all religions are from the Lord and there is truth to be learned from them.

Interestingly enough a recent edition of Newsweek had an article about Huston Smith who wrote the book "The World's Religions". As Newsweek describes the book, it summarizes the most important and valuable aspects of the 8 main religions of the world. To quote Newsweek: "Smith introduced Americans to the notion that the world is full of all kinds of believers and that an educated person might learn a thing or two from another's faith." My interest was definitely peeked. I checked the book out of the library and I'm currently reading it. I'm loving it!

The Newsweek article called Huston Smith's beliefs universalism. His Universalism had a Methodist swing because he grew up Methodist. Maybe my child will be a Universalist Mormon!

We have a heartbeat and ...

Morning sickness (all day)! So, I'm feeling a little less worried and more hopeful. We only saw the heartbeat because the ultrasound was so early. The baby is nothing more than a fuzzy shape on the screen and the heartbeat is a blinking light in the middle of the fuzzy shape.

The morning sickness is annoyingly miserable so I have mixed feelings about it. I'm glad to have the symptoms that confirm I'm pregnant but I'm also not enjoying it at all.

The highest risk doesn't pass until the 10th to 12th week when we can hear the heartbeat through the doppler. Another month to go. The time seems to be going by so slowly!! A few months ago time felt like it was rushing by. Isn't it funny how our perspective changes.