Why I am Disappointed in my Country

Two things happened today. First, I received an email from my uncle that was basically a complaint to President Obama about his approach to the international community. If the email is true, Obama apologized for some of President Bush's and America's actions in a speech he gave overseas. The writer of the email felt that in doing so, President Obama made America appear weak. Of course, the sacrifices of American soldiers during World War II were brought up to say that President Obama had disgraced those sacrifices.

The second thing that happened is that I watched the movie Innocent Voices about the El Salvador civil war. The movie highlights the practice of "recruiting" young boys into the El Salvador army by following one boy as he goes through the months preceding his 12th birthday. The age of 12 is when boys are most likely to be forced into the army so their choice is to either wait until they are picked up by the El Salvador army or join the guerrillas. The US government supported the El Salvador army and even sent troops to train the army. The US troops were training these 12 year old boys to be soldiers!!

Here's a link to a PBS site with information about the El Salvador civil war: http://www.pbs.org/itvs/enemiesofwar/elsalvador2.html

There is a reason that when someone wants to point out the United States' moral superiority that they have to go back to World War II. It's because we did do something great in that war. We did free millions of people from tyranny. But what we did over 60 years ago doesn't give us the right to not take responsibility for our mistakes. We've made a number of mistakes since World War II and apologizing for those mistakes doesn't make us weak. It takes courage to apologize and try to do better. We keep making the same mistakes on the international scene because we aren't willing to admit that we've made a mistake.

I am incredibly respectful of the people who serve in our armed forces because I recognize that they are putting their lives on the line to protect our country. I also understand that there are good and bad in every group of people and it seems to me that it is the bad in the armed forces that we need to address. We need to take the stand that we cannot condone atrocities by claiming that they are necessary to protect our freedom.

Like Korea and Vietnam, our support of the El Salvador army was a tactic to try and prevent a "leftist" or "socialist" government from being installed. Apparently, we are so afraid of other ideas that we are willing to kill innocent people over it. No one knows what would have happened in Korea, Vietnam, El Salvador or any other country if we had not interfered. Maybe they would have gotten governments that were repressive but maybe they wouldn't have. With the number of people who have been killed due to our interference, who can say if any one is better off as a result of our actions. And what of the people who survived? The CIA recruited Osama Bin Laden to fight the Soviets. (http://www.globalpolicy.org/empire/terrorwar/analysis/2008/0120history.htm) How much did we contribute to the creation of the world's most well known terrorist?

I'm not advocating that we withdraw from the world and not get involved at all. What I am advocating is that we make decisions based on reason not fear. I wonder if these decisions are made with any consideration for the innocent people who are caught in the cross fire as governments fight for control over ideas. There is not just one flavor of Democracy. Democracy simply means that people choose the type of government they get. If the people choose socialism, let them do it!!

I love my country and the ideals on which it was established. I'm just tired of people using patriotism as a weapon against anyone who speaks out against human rights abuses committed by our own country. Sometimes your best friend is the person who tells you when you are being an ass.

The Irony

I am pregnant again. Only 5 weeks along so I haven't told anyone. Only my husband, of course! After the miscarriage last fall, I'm afraid that it will happen again. I have spent most of my life dreading any illness that makes me nauseous. To me the feeling of being sick to my stomach is the worst, give me pain any day. Yet, each day I am yearning for some nausea, some evidence that my hormone levels are rising and that this pregnancy will be OK. Maybe I shouldn't be nervous because my mother had babies well into her 40s but I am afraid. I am afraid of the feeling of loss that comes with a miscarriage. I am afraid of the worry that we'll never have a child and we'll grow into old crotchety people who scare the neighborhood children.

For now, I am pregnant and I unashamedly pray each night and morning that this pregnancy will last and this child will live!

My Unsung Hero

I believe that we all have at least one. Someone who did something incredible for you and you may not even know about it. My unsung hero is my older sister.

My older brother was molesting my sister every time my parents left the house. She quickly learned to hide when my parents left and stay hidden until they returned. That was until I was born. My older siblings were old enough to babysit, so my parents would leave me in their care when they went out. My sister was my primary care giver but when my parents left the house she would go into hiding as normal. My brother would then pinch me, poke me do whatever it took to get me to cry. He did this because he knew my sister would come out of her hiding place to take care of me. When she did, he tormented her and molested her.

My sister always did her best to try and protect me. I have memories as I got older of my sister standing up to my brothers when I became the target of their tormenting. She made sure that my brothers didn't have an opportunity to abuse me up until the time she got married. The brother that had molested her was also married so she hoped that I would be OK. My other brother was the one that abused me.

She didn't tell me about what she had endured until I told her about what had happened to me. As we shared our stories, it struck me that my sister spent a lot of time apologizing for not doing more. Here was a person who was no more than a child at the time and yet she took the responsibility to care for an infant and protect that child as best she could. It is because of her that the abuse I suffered was not as bad as what she suffered. No one could have expected her to do more. I can't think of anyone who is more of a hero to me. How I admire her selflessness and love her for the person that she is.

Who is your unsung hero?

Sunday Evening

Amorphous sinking dread
Sad resignation
Sunday anticipation of Monday morning
Overwhelming volumes
High expectations
Bills to pay, family to feed
Motivation to start another week

How Would I be Judged?

I have not been shy about writing about my religion and my questions about my religion. I admit that I am very confusing when it comes to religion. So, I have been very excited about exploring the community of Mormon Bloggers and enjoyed a number of their blogs. Just today I came across a blog that made me think twice about my excitement over finding this community.

Overwhelmingly Mormons are Republicans and therefore against Obama and his policies. I actually don't have a problem with someone expressing their views. I want to retain my freedom of speech and so I cannot complain about someone else who uses their right to free speech. Just for the record... I am a registered Republican but the only reason I'm still registered that way is because I'm too lazy to submit the paper work to have it changed. I feel that I am independent, which is why I'm not anxious to change my registration because I don't know what I'd change it to. In the last election, I voted for both Democrats, Republicans and quite possibly a third party candidate. I researched each candidate for the various offices and made my choice based on who I thought was the best person for the job. I really wish the two parties would just go away.

I do have a problem with outright lies and I've heard them from both sides. Because most of my family are staunch Republicans I've heard more lies about the Democrats. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that every nasty rumour about that person is true. Check your facts before you forward an email or post something to your website. I am now the annoying family member who tells everyone when they have sent out an email that is false. I'm tired of the lies and it is not a very good representation of our religion or community.

I am also tired of people justify their inflammatory and hateful remarks as standing up for their beliefs. It is possible to voice your beliefs with out being inflammatory and hateful. You can say: "I don't agree with your point of view because I believe it will lead to the following troubles ..." instead of saying the person who disagrees with you is "evil", "stupid", "perverted", etc. If we say we are Christians then we need to start behaving as such. There is a song I learned as a child that is so needed now "Jesus said love everyone treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you". Please note that it says everyone, not the people you agree with or the people who vote like your or the people who accept your religion. It says EVERYONE!

The blog that got this rant going was talking about Obama's pick for the chairmanship of the National Intelligence Council, Charles Freeman. The blog asserted that Freeman hates Israel, loves Saudi Arabia and has condoned certain human rights abuses in China. Honestly, I don't know if the specific allegations are true or false. From what I've read thus far there is not sufficient evidence. I know there are some people who would disagree with this but just because you read something on the Internet does not make it true. I want to see credible references before I consider something truth.

The justification for the bloggers statements about Freeman derive from the fact that Freeman spent time in Saudi Arabia as a US Ambassador. In my opinion, his experience living within a Muslim community would make him better experienced to understand the extreme Muslim terrorists who are hiding out in that community. From my experience traveling around the world and speaking with many people from all over the world, one of the biggest failings of the Unites States is that as a whole the people don't take the time to understand other cultures or other people. When you are a diplomat or a politician not understanding the other side is disastrous. You would make mistakes in judgement because your judgement is based on an incorrect understanding.

I am truely disgusted with this tendancy to assume that just because a person has connections with a particular country that they are not patriotic Americans. It seems that our fellow countrymen are acting jealously. Reading these kinds of assumtions from a fellow Mormon is even more disheartening because so many of our young men and women serve missions around the world. The common theme when they return is how much they "grew to love the people" of the country where they served. Don't they think that an ambassador may experience the same feelings towards the people of the country where he or she served? There are wonderful and good people everywhere in the world. When you take the time to learn about them, to talk with them and to be a part of their community, you understand things from their perspective and some times you come to realize that your previous assumptions were wrong.

I look at how Obama was judged for time he lived outside the United States and how Charles Freeman is being judged for his association with other countries and I wonder how I would be judged if I were running for public office. I am Mormon so there are people who would judge me unacceptable on that fact alone. I have spent time in Indonesia so maybe I'm really Muslim. I've spent even more time in Thailand and I occasionally attend the Buddhist temple in Miami so perhaps I'm really Buddhist. I have friends who are gay and lesbian and I feel that there should be some type of civil union available to them (let's separate church and state on this issue please). I support a woman's right to choose abortion although I don't believe it should be used as a form of birth control. I don't like abortion but until a law can be developed that protects the woman as much as the unborn child I think the better option is to leave the decision in the hands of the woman. Why don't we have more sex education then perhaps fewer people would be seeking abortions because they would know how to avoid getting pregnant in the first place. I could go on and on with all the things that someone out there could judge me on. I'm sure there are people who think I'm going to hell for sure. I'm certainly not likely to get elected.

What is a Hero?

In the days following the inauguration, I've been thinking about heroes. I know that Barack Obama has become a hero to many people already. Just getting elected to be the president is a massive achievement and I hope that this will be a great presidency. Not so much because I believe that Barack Obama will solve all our problems. I hope it is a great presidency because this country needs to get back on track. I think Mr. Obama is a good man trying to do good things but I know that a president isn't all powerful. To actually change things will require cooperation throughout the government. My hope is that Mr. Obama will be able to facilitate that cooperation.

My thoughts about heroes reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend. She is from Trinidad and her husband is from China. Her children are sometimes teased at school because they look different and she finds it a challenge to find people her children can look up to. Sure there are great people throughout the world and throughout history but I think everyone would like to look at that spectrum of great people and see someone who looks like them and has the same background as them.

I didn't always think that it mattered to me until I was reading a book by Cokie Roberts called "Our Mothers Daughters". In that book Cokie wrote about an interview she did with Esther Peterson. As I read about the great accomplishments of this "Mormon Girl" who moved out of Utah and married someone who wasn't Mormon, I felt something that I have never felt before. It was a mixture of pride, confirmation and exhilaration. I was proud of what Esther had accomplished and it was as if her accomplishments validated my life decisions because she had made the same decisions and she succeeded. I was thrilled to find someone who looked like me and had the same background as me in that spectrum of great people.

I immediately put Esther Peterson's memoir on my wish list at Amazon. Why I didn't just buy it I'm not sure. The only thing I can think of is that I'm always reading 3 or 4 books at the time and I probably thought I should wait and buy it once I've finished reading the books I have already started. Thankfully a friend bought it for me and I devoured the book. I was reading it in the carpool to and from work and when I read about some particularly impressive accomplishment I shared it with my fellow carpoolers. They probably thought I was crazy.

So, I'm going to share some of the things about Esther Peterson that I think are really great. I'd like to do more posts about other people that I think are just wonderful. I find it so difficult to make time to post as it is that I'll just have to see how it goes.

First, how is Esther Peterson like me? Well, she grew up in a very conservative Mormon family in a conservative Mormon community. In her memoirs Esther wrote of some of the things that weren't great about the Mormon community and the things that were wonderful. I could relate to and appreciate her balanced look at what it is to grow up in Utah. I loved how she treasured and exemplified the good things about the Mormon culture and how she simply dropped the bad things from her life. This is something I try to do every day.

How reassuring it was to read about the questions she had regarding Mormonism. I wanted to stand up and shout "I'm not alone"! Esther also escaped the confines of strict Mormon society by moving east and eventually marrying someone who was not Mormon.

I may not achieve the level of success that Esther Peterson achieved. I will be happy to live a full life and live in a way that I am true to my beliefs and ideals. You may be wondering what makes this woman so great. Well, how often do you use the nutrition labels on a package of food? You have the reliable information about the food you eat because of Esther's work as a consumer advocate. What about the clothing labels that tell you what's in the clothing and how to clean it? How about the requirement that advertisements be truthful and pricing be understandable? There are so many things that consumers in the US take for granted that exist because of Esther Peterson. In her later years she worked at the United Nations trying to ensure that materials banned in the US for health reasons were not used in products which were shipped overseas. She was always looking out for everyone.

Esther also did a lot for workers and in particular women. Today, I hear a lot of complaints about unions and I have a few of my own. The pendulum has swung so far in favor of unions that workers who are part of unions abuse the system sometimes. When Esther was getting started in her career the pendulum was in favor of the employer and they were abusing their employees. Esther organized people into unions with the intent that together they could fight for fair wages and fair treatment. She was really good at finding something that worked for both the employer and the employees. During Kennedy's presidency, Esther headed the Women's Bureau in the Department of Labor and she worked to improve working conditions and get equal pay. She also ensured that a job could not be designated for "men only". Esther also started the work that lead to the laws regarding occupational safety and health.

There are so many things, I could go on and on. I'll let you read Esther's book "Restless" and enjoy her entire story for yourself.

So, who are your heroes and what makes that person a hero to you?

To Believe or Not To Believe

It seems that every few years I have a trial of my faith; or lack of faith perhaps. There are somethings that I don't imagine I'd ever stop believing because of experiences that forged the beliefs so strongly. One such belief is that there is a God. Although, I believe there is a God, I also recognize that I could be wrong. I'm sure that seems very confusing but the definition of Faith in Hebrews 11:1 is: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So, I don't think I am wrong to recognize that I don't know if there is a God even though I believe that there is.

Lately as I have gone through some personal difficulties, I have returned to thoughts about God that trouble me. Is he a loving God or is he a vengeful God? Is he really involved in our lives or does he just stand back and let things happen as they will? Is God a he or a she? Maybe God is both? Will I go to hell for entertaining so many questions about God?

Any one who recognizes their own weaknesses wants to believe in a loving and forgiving God. For such a God would love them despite their weaknesses. I fall into this category. I want to believe that God will forgive my doubts and understand my less than perfect life in light of my weaknesses. I want to believe that he/she will accept my life and the good that I'm able to do with out worrying so much about the rituals that I don't understand and therefore don't participate in.

It is in times of personal difficulties that I begin to wonder about this God of vengeance. Punishment for sin was something that was deeply ingrained as a child and so the idea that my difficulties are a punishment is always present. The fear of God's punishment kept me from doing many things. It didn't, however, keep my brothers from abusing me. I had a conversation recently with my mother in which I mentioned this abuse. I hadn't talked to her about it since I was 12 years old when I told her what one of my brothers was doing to me. She did confronted my brother with my accusation and he denied it. My brother was sent on his way while my mother gave me advice on what I should do to avoid the abuse. From then on, if I complained about something my brothers did, the response was "What did you do to provoke it?" So, I came to feel that the abuse was my fault. That I was the one who was sinning. It has taken many years and a couple of mental health professionals to help me move past the self-blame and -loathing that resulted from my mother's recriminations.

So recently, my mother was wondering why I am so adamant about the role of women in society and I remind her of the abuse I suffered as a child. Her response was to say that my brother who I accused so many years ago now has a loving wife and family and I need to learn to forgive him. On one hand, I imagine my mother was trying to tell me to let past hurts go. And I do agree that holding a grudge only hurts the person holding it. I feel that she was also telling me not to ruin my brother's life by exposing his past. There is no acknowledgement of how my life has been affected by my brother's actions. There is no understanding that this is more that just forgiving my brother. It is an ongoing process of healing a broken soul.

With all the many years that have passed and the counselors who have taught me how to cope, one statement from my mother brings me to tears and reminds me how lonely and afraid I was at 12 years old. It was at that time when I realized that I could not rely on anyone to protect me. Given how deeply these experiences have affected me, it is any wonder that I would want to improve the lot of all women? Is it surprising that I would want to do all that I can to stop abuse and end the cycle of misery?

Along with my anger regarding my mother's defense of my brother, there is anger at God. Why would he allow these things to continue when I prayed so sincerely for relief? Now, I have been taught that God must allow everyone their agency to chose good or evil. So, maybe God did not stop the abuse because my brother had to freely choose good over evil. My brother obviously failed that test. So God may not force an individual to chose good, but shouldn't a church supposedly lead and directed by God be setup in such a fashion that it encourages and trains it's members to make good choices?

The church to which I belong is a very patriarchal church. The men hold the priesthood and women are taught to be subject to them. There are scriptures and such that emphasize that men are not to abuse their priesthood power but there always seem to be other scriptures that can be used as justification when a man does abuse his power. It is my personal belief that this inequality promotes the maltreatment of women. Now, I recognize that the majority of men in my church love their wives and treat them kindly. The older men although kind to their wives still hold onto the "head of the household" status and expect to be obeyed by their wives. The younger men seem to be embracing the partnership model of marriage more and more. However, there are still rules that must not be broken. Women are not to work outside the home unless there are extenuating circumstances. Women and girls don't hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is such a privilege that women will say how grateful they are to have the priesthood in their home because they have a husband or son who holds the priesthood. Since a daughter can not hold the priesthood, she is relegated to a position of second-best. A parent may express their gratitude for having a daughter but it isn't the same because she can not bring to the home the valued priesthood which a son could. When a daughter is seen as second-best whether conciously or sub-conciously, it will happen that the son's welfare will be given a higher priority to the daughter. This is where the maltreatment comes in. It may be sub-concious but it is there and results in men who feel justified in their abuse of women and women who don't have the self esteem to know they deserve better.

Would a loving God intentionally place such a division between His sons and daughters? In Acts 10:34 Peter says "Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons" If this is true that God loves His daughters the same as His sons and it was never His intention to exclude His daughters or make them feel second-best.

In this trial of faith, I wonder how I can stay true to the beliefs I hold dear and still remain a member of a church that seems at odds to those beliefs. An easy solution would be to find another church that I can attend. I have actually attended other churches and in each one I have found this or that belief that doesn't sit well with me. Another thought is to stop attending church and worship in my own way at home. I happen to be a very social person and I like the community that I am part of when I attend church. Actually, there are a number of women in my congregation who share my beliefs about women. We are the closeted feminists hiding amongst the staunch patriarchal believers. Bigger than that is that fact that despite my concerns and lack of faith, I believe that the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ is true. I believe that the Book of Mormon is true. It's all the other stuff that is added on that I question and doubt. What of it is true and what is mankind's own creation to supply divine justification for actions and beliefs?

I sympathize with the father who brought his child to be healed by Jesus ...
"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:23-24)