Fear Itself

I didn't consciously recognize that today was the one month anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings until I heard that it was on the way home from work this evening.  However, subconsciously or instinctually, I must have known it this morning.  It started off as any other day with my pushing my son to wake up, eat his breakfast and get ready for school.  We were running late as usual.  Finally, in the car and on our way.  It didn't even feel different when I took him into his classroom and gave him a hug and a kiss as I explained once again that Mommy can't stay Mommy has to go to work. 

As I walked out of the classroom, I paused and intentionally pushed the door closed... more secure than just walking off as it closed on it's own.  That's when my stomach started churning and as I walked to my car I was growing more and more uncertain about leaving my son at school this morning.  But, I had a meeting that I was going to be late for.  I kept walking.  Driving away from the school the knot in my stomach pulled at me to go back, get my son.  I resisted, this isn't logical.  I don't have any real reason to be concerned.  What about my mother who claimed on so many occasions to receive inspiration to take certain actions which lead to ensuring the safety of one family member or another.  Could this be such an inspiration?  I don't know, I was never very good at sorting out what was my own crazy thoughts and what was actually "inspiration".  I resolved to call my husband as soon as I could and tell him to go pick up my son.  I would have called him on the way to work but I'm not good a dialing numbers while I drive.

So, I get to work, postponed that meeting which I was already late for and called my husband.  I didn't immediately tell him to go and get my son.  I explained how I was feeling and how scared and nervous I was about leaving our son at school today.  My husband gave me all the rational explanations about why I shouldn't worry.  The chances of another Sandy Hook happening are so small.  We chose a good school in a good area of town.  It's a small school not very well known... etc.  I explained that I'd already gone through that and what I was feeling was not rational it was completely and utterly an irrational fear.

Talking about it with my husband calmed me down and helped me get back to my day and once I got busy with meetings and other work items, the fear I had experienced was temporarily forgotten.  Then on my way home as I listened to the news and the commentary about this being the one-month anniversary, I realized that what I had experienced was a mini-panic attack.  I've had them before, years ago when I was still coming to terms and recovering from the abuse I'd suffered at the hands of my brother.  I'm not sure why I am affected so much by the Sandy Hook incident.  I didn't even remotely know anyone who was killed on that day.  Perhaps it is affecting me because I know what it is like to have a loaded gun pointed at me with the threat of imminent death.  The thought that plaques me is the fear those children had to endure on that day when a place where they were supposed to be safe was attacked.  I keep thinking that the fear must have been terrible and I cry thinking about those moments before they were released to God.

The parents of the children lost at Sandy Hook are asking that this be a turning point at which this country gets serious about addressing the violence.  I very much agree with this and that there is not a single approach that will solve the problem.  There are many issues which need to be addressed.  For me, because of my experiences I feel strongly that everyone in this country needs to have more respect for guns.  They are not toys to be casually shared with our children (pictures of your toddler holding a gun are not cute).  They are not the ultimate protective device (having one does not make you Clint Eastwood).  The threat of you having one is not going to magically ward of criminals (they have one too so it doesn't make you special).  This is not something that a law can change (though better laws are needed), this is a change of attitude which is much more difficult to change.  I pray that we may find a way to change it otherwise we will have good reason to fear; fear itself.

Tired of the NRA Propoganda

So, I have started making my way to creating a post on this blog several times now but I keep getting distracted.  Primarily, I'm getting distracted by the posts on the Feminist Mormon Housewives blog.  What they have to say is far more interesting than the slop that is on Facebook.  I really don't know why I bother except that my family is on Facebook and each day I check their posts just hoping for some morsel about how their lives are really going.  I have been very much disappointed lately.  Which brings me to the one very simple thing that I want to express...

I find it very offensive that since the Sandy Brook Elementary shootings there are more posts on Facebook about the fear of losing our right to bear arms then about the lives lost in that incident.  Really!  What is more important here?  I really don't mind people having guns (with in reason!) but my reaction to this onslaught of fear mongering regarding gun control can be compared to an exhasperated parent whose child is throwing a fit yet again.  "Just take them all away!  You can't play with them nicely, then you can't have them at all"

So much of this comes from my own family members.  For the most part my family members are good people.  So, what is this world coming to when the good people think more violence (i.e. teachers carrying guns in school) is the solution for the violence we are dealing with.

I've already ruffled a number of feathers over this topic and I'm trying really hard not to get in another argument but it's really, really hard when I see some of these posts that to me are so obviously propoganda from the NRA.  I am a proponent of the 2nd amendment within reason but raffles to give away automatic rifles?  You know the ones that look like a gun a soldier should be carrying.  I think we've gone to the extreme people!

Blogging

It's after midnight and I'm sitting here thinking about whether or not I should attempt to blog again. Honestly, I think I am really delusional to think that I can keep up with it. I am a fan of Feminist Mormon Housewives but I rarely get a chance to read their posts. Each time I do, I think "Wow, these women have time to take care of their houses, their children and do thoughtful research and write about it on a blog" I want to be able to research the topics that interest me and write about them, get feedback from the world at large and have intelligent discussions.

Instead, I occasionally get into an argument on Facebook with a friend or family member and I'm always the one to back off because I value the relationship more than winning the argument. Besides, I don't have the time that it would require to adequately back-up my view point and chances are the friend or family member wouldn't consider the logic and reason I put into my defense. They know what they know and there is no changing their mind. Sometimes, I'm a bit jealous of their confidence in their own view point. Perhaps if I were so sure of being right, I wouldn't feel the need to spend so much time researching my point of view to convince myself that I have it right.

So, this is my dilemma when considering whether or not I should be blogging. I can't just sit and write what ever comes to my mind. I need to figure it out and put it down in words that I have studied out to make sure they are exactly the right words. I really don't have time to do all that. At the same time, I think I need to do something because otherwise, I'll start to believe that I am insane to think that my Facebook friends and family are wrong and maybe I should just submit and go along. Either that or I'll continue having arguments and I'll get de-friended by everyone I know. Which in one sense wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing because Facebook is a terrible waste of time but I really do care about my friends and family and want to know how their lives are going and it seems Facebook is the only way to do that these days. No one calls any more just to chat ... they send a Facebook message.

I know that I'm rambling but there is a method. Sometimes to get started on doing something that one knows needs to be done, one should take a first step no matter how lame that first step is.

First step ... done.

Humanitarian Services

I don't have much time to blog these days but was asked to post this link in support of the efforts of the LDS Church in Haiti. The thing I like about the LDS Humanitarian Services is that 100% of the money donated goes to help out. Administrative costs are taken from other funding sources. Click the link below to learn more and donate:

Humanitarian Services

My Eternal Dilemma

About a year and a half ago my parents came for a visit and we really had a great time visiting the sites and just spending time together. Then one afternoon we were sitting around the table chit chatting when my father felt it necessary to remind me that I would not be with my husband forever because we had not been married in the temple. For those not familiar with the Mormon faith, the temple is considered more sacred than an ordinary church building and it is where special ceremonies are performed. In the case of a temple marriage ceremony, it is meant to bind a husband and wife together beyond death thus it is called an eternal marriage.

The concept of being with your family forever is really wonderful (ok maybe not for someone who had a really bad family but imagine a very loving family here). Because I love my husband deeply, I want nothing more than to have an assurance that our association and love will continue beyond death.

I didn't appreciate my father's reminder. To me it was obvious he was trying to manipulate my emotions to make me feel guilty about my choice not to get married in the temple. I tried to explain why I made the choice but a subsequent letter from my mother after they had returned home confirmed that they really hadn't heard me.

Going to the temple to get married isn't like showing up for church on Sunday morning. You have to get a temple recommend which is a certification that you are living a life worthy of entrance into the temple. What is considered worthy? Well, you can't be smoking, drinking or having sex outside of marriage. There are also questions asked about whether or not you support church leaders and if you belong to groups that oppose church doctrines.

It's this last bit that I struggle with. I don't have a problem supporting leaders even if I don't always agree with them as long as I feel that they are sincerely seeking the best for those they are leading. Just because someone is denoted as a leader doesn't mean they are immediately perfect and I understand that I can't hold minor imperfections against people in leadership positions. In many cases, they are simply doing the best that they know how. However, I am very concerned when it is expected that my "support" be more like blind following. Often I do not feel free to question something a church leader has said or done. I'm not talking about questioning in a critical way but questioning in an "I'm trying to understand" way. Blind following is what leads hundreds of people to drink poisoned lemonade and I don't want to be part of anything like that.

I also struggle with the fact that I do disagree with some purported church doctrines. I have for years distinguished between the church and the gospel. The gospel is what Christ taught in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon. It is simple and easy to understand. The church is an organization of men and women who are trying to live the gospel and they have developed programs and meetings and anything else that they can think of to help people live the gospel. However, all the various aids are not the gospel. While they may help some they are not what is important. Sometimes, I feel that the church and everything that goes with it are the things that are made to be important and the simple, easy to understand gospel is forgotten.

To me the gospel of Christ is captured in just two commandments which I quote from the New Testament in Matthew Chapter 22:
"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."
I believe that any doctrine must comply with these two commandments.

Some of the things that the church has done and continues to support do not really comply with these two commandments. For example, while the church doesn't currently practice polygamy, they did when the church first started. That practice caused so much heartache and pain for so many women and some men that it doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself". Additionally, the mentality that women are subject to men is not completely gone from the church. In my family, this subjugation was cast in the light that men were to be responsible and care for their wives and daughters. It was OK for women to defer to men because the men were heroic and noble protectors of women. Of course the men would never do anything to harm a woman! Well the reality of this situation in my experience was that I felt like a second-class citizen in my own family. While my brothers were encouraged, I was restricted. When my brothers got jobs in high-school they were industrious. When I asked permission to get a job (other than babysitting) I apparently was inferring that my father was unable to take care of me which was an insult. Keeping women from holding the priesthood and most leadership positions seems to reinforce the sense of entitlement that many men have and unfortunately abuse of women in varying degrees. Again it just doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself".

While my concerns about how women fit into the church culture are the most significant cause for my doubt in the validity of the church, there are other doctrines that also cause me concern. It is however, the doubt which I feel that keeps me away from the promised eternal marriage with my husband. If I doubt that some aspects of the church are true and sanctioned by God, then how can I be sure that the temple marriage ceremony will indeed guarantee that I will be with my husband after death?

The temptation is to go through the ceremony, just in case it is what it purports to be. However, it's not as simple as that. In parts of the temple ceremony, participants are asked to make commitments to live God's commandments and of course it is implied that God's commandments are the doctrines of the church. Because the temple ceremonies are considered sacred, participants are also asked to keep the proceedings secret. What is disturbing to me is that the promise to keep the secret is something like "I'd rather disembowel myself than reveal the sacred ceremonies" (I am paraphrasing what I heard from others who have gone to the temple.) It just feels a little too much like "drink the poisoned lemonade". I take my commitments seriously and I would feel like a hypocrite going through the motions and making commitments when I'm not entirely sure that there is any truth to the promises of the temple.

This is really very hard for me, particularly now as my husband and I prepare for the birth of our baby. Of course I want that reassurance that we will still be a family even after death. That death will not separate us. But I don't know if the temple ceremonies can actually provide this. Many people believe it will, but honestly no one living knows this. Do I sacrifice my integrity and pretend to agree with things just to go through this temple ceremony? How can God expect me to follow through on a commitment to keep his commandments if I trade in my integrity on this? So much about God is speculation anyway; maybe God doesn't require ceremonies to bind a family together. Maybe it's the love that we feel for one another that binds us. To me the love is much more real than any ceremony.

Back from the Brink

Honestly, I was not as close to the brink as it may have felt to me. This pregnancy has been tiring, painful and filled with fear. I have asked the inevitable but pointless question of "why me" on a number of occasions. The past week or so has been better as judged by the fact that I no longer need to take Tylenol every 4 hours. I'm actually making it a whole 24 hours at a time! I've been hesitant to celebrate for fear that I might jinx myself. I'm not normally superstitious but I figure there is no harm in playing it safe.

With all of that, I have still been able to go to work and manage well enough. Obviously, things like blog writing and reading were not a priority and most evenings I spent lying on the couch recuperating from an exhausting day. Today was probably the most productive day that I have spent at home in the last 5 months. I'm rebuilding my computer (hard drive died), I helped a friend get her computer fixed, I went to the baby store with my husband to look at cribs and I even cleaned up my desk a bit. It made me feel like I had just emerged from a thunderstorm and finally stood in the sun.

It's hard sometimes for me when I'm not feeling well to appreciate that I'm not as bad off as I could be. For some reason, I always focus on what I'm not able to do instead of what I am able to do. Yes, I was able to get up and go to work everyday and be somewhat productive at work. Did I congratulate myself for that accomplishment? No, I felt cheated because I was constantly taking pain killers and patiently listening to co-workers comment on how big I am. I was depressed because I came home and retreated to the couch where I lay night after night watching stupid TV serials because they took my mind off the pain that the pain killers didn't kill (I refused to take the narcotics that my OB prescribed).

Now, if I had been really bad off I would have been taking the narcotics because the severity of the pain would have driven me to it. If I had been really bad off I would have be confined to bed. Above all, I have to thank God every day that our little one is hanging in there and appears to be developing as expected. While I may be hurting, our baby is healthy!

I think my problem is that I focus on what others are able to do. I watched my sister manage a difficult pregnancy while she also took care of her other two children. I remember reading blog posts from women who were raising several children, managing their homes and still posting well-though-out, lengthy posts to their blogs. I quickly came to the realization that I can't compete.

I don't know why I can't do everything that I see others doing. Maybe it's really not that important to me? Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe my ADD has more of an impact on my life then I want to admit? I watch the high-powered moms in awe and I want to keep up and do what they do but I'm just too tired and I hurt too much.

So, I'm back from the brink and feeling better. Still way too big for being 5 months pregnant and still in a little pain but really much, much better. However, I'm not making any promises to post on a regular basis or to meet the high standard being set by the moms I know. I just hope to continue, as my doctor put it "tolerating it well".

If I had the Time

If I had the Time ... and energy of course.
I'd comment on every blog post that interested me.
I'd write clever and well thought out posts on my own blog.

I'd watch a movie every evening with my husband.
I'd reply to every email I receive.
I'd call my family members regularly (more than once a year).

I'd finish all those crafty projects that seemed like such good ideas at the time.
Projects with all the materials purchased but stored in my closet because there simple wasn't time or energy ... or both.

Then of course, I'd write a book about all I'd achieved because I had time and energy.
I'm sure I'd make millions because everyone would like to know ...
How in the world did she get all the time and energy?

I know this because that's what I wonder about the people I read about ...
when I have time ... and energy of course.