This Thanksgiving I'm grateful for...

Thanksgiving 2012, I had planned a Thanksgiving dinner for my oversized extended family and spent too much money on flights to be with said family.  Being an organization freak, I spent my time during dinner making sure things were running on time so that we weren't keeping the kids up too late.  I had even planned some time for family members to express their gratitude.  As this was going on, I stood off to the side, feet hurting and hungry because I hadn't been able to eat yet.  Too busy making sure the people expressing their gratitude stuck to their allotted time and everyone who wanted a chance got a chance.  I was also replenishing food on the serving tables when needed.  The brother who had abused me for most of my childhood took his turn and mid way through he apologized to everyone for the "things he'd done wrong" when he was young.  I was pissed.  I'm certain that my mother had put him up to apologizing because the last time my mom and I had spoken about my inability to get a testimony of the church (Mormon) I had reference the way my brother had treated me growing up.  She had followed up on the conversation with a letter telling me I needed for forgive and forget like she had done.  So, I'm sure my mother was thinking that if my brother apologized I would have no excuse for not forgiving him.  Of course, my brother didn't even have the balls to face me and apologize he did it publicly so that everyone can say what a good man he is but his statements are so generic that they really don't mean anything at all.

For me, this was the beginning of the end.  I realized that I could not keep trying to please my family because all they wanted was to turn me into a soulless automaton who did exactly as I was told by them and the church.  They had no understanding of the effect that my childhood had on me and how damaged I felt.  How the persistent anxiety and guilt had destroyed my health.  I was not a person to them, I was a thing to be controlled.  It wasn't long after that when I had a similar experience at church and the realization that almost everyone who joined this church became like Stepford wives.  I had controlled my son's experience at church by volunteering to be his teacher but soon he was moving to a different class and I wouldn't be his teacher.  After sending him to this new class a couple of times, it became very clear to me that I couldn't subject him to this.  He'd be an automaton by the end of the year.  I stopped attending.  I got involved in some exmormon groups and learned even more about this so called religion.  I've heard all my life that that "The truth shall set you free" ... It sure does.

So, this Thanksgiving it seems appropriate to honor the event that literally changed my life.  I'm grateful for being able to finally see my family's true intentions and begin distancing myself from that destructive behavior.  I'm grateful for learning the truth about a deceptive organization that feeds off the guilt of millions.  I'm grateful to be going through life with less baggage and hope to lighten the load even more in the future.  I'm grateful that I can appreciate all that I have and not feel like God will take it away from me as a learning experience, or punishment or to humble me.  I'm grateful for true friends who accept me for who I am and not for who they think I should be.  I'm grateful for friends who have put up with my weirdness as I tried to sort through my feelings.  I'm grateful for a husband who put up with my attempts at being religious for years even though it really wasn't his thing.  I'm grateful that he even tried to be more religious at times to make me happy and I'm grateful that he was wise enough to know that pretending wouldn't make either of us happy.  I'm grateful that I was able to turn some shitty events in my childhood into motivation to better myself in such a way that I can now support my family in comfort.  I'm grateful that I am finally OK taking credit for the hard work and persistence that was required to create a better life for myself.  I'm grateful for ....

Really, I could keep going but I think I've made my point.  Interestingly enough, this year I feel more sincerely grateful than I ever have.  I think it is a result of not being afraid of losing what I have and not feeling obligated to be grateful (to God specifically).  As I've been writing, I've been trying to think of how to explain this but I just don't have an explanation.  However, I don't need an explanation to know that it feels great!