To Believe or Not To Believe

It seems that every few years I have a trial of my faith; or lack of faith perhaps. There are somethings that I don't imagine I'd ever stop believing because of experiences that forged the beliefs so strongly. One such belief is that there is a God. Although, I believe there is a God, I also recognize that I could be wrong. I'm sure that seems very confusing but the definition of Faith in Hebrews 11:1 is: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So, I don't think I am wrong to recognize that I don't know if there is a God even though I believe that there is.

Lately as I have gone through some personal difficulties, I have returned to thoughts about God that trouble me. Is he a loving God or is he a vengeful God? Is he really involved in our lives or does he just stand back and let things happen as they will? Is God a he or a she? Maybe God is both? Will I go to hell for entertaining so many questions about God?

Any one who recognizes their own weaknesses wants to believe in a loving and forgiving God. For such a God would love them despite their weaknesses. I fall into this category. I want to believe that God will forgive my doubts and understand my less than perfect life in light of my weaknesses. I want to believe that he/she will accept my life and the good that I'm able to do with out worrying so much about the rituals that I don't understand and therefore don't participate in.

It is in times of personal difficulties that I begin to wonder about this God of vengeance. Punishment for sin was something that was deeply ingrained as a child and so the idea that my difficulties are a punishment is always present. The fear of God's punishment kept me from doing many things. It didn't, however, keep my brothers from abusing me. I had a conversation recently with my mother in which I mentioned this abuse. I hadn't talked to her about it since I was 12 years old when I told her what one of my brothers was doing to me. She did confronted my brother with my accusation and he denied it. My brother was sent on his way while my mother gave me advice on what I should do to avoid the abuse. From then on, if I complained about something my brothers did, the response was "What did you do to provoke it?" So, I came to feel that the abuse was my fault. That I was the one who was sinning. It has taken many years and a couple of mental health professionals to help me move past the self-blame and -loathing that resulted from my mother's recriminations.

So recently, my mother was wondering why I am so adamant about the role of women in society and I remind her of the abuse I suffered as a child. Her response was to say that my brother who I accused so many years ago now has a loving wife and family and I need to learn to forgive him. On one hand, I imagine my mother was trying to tell me to let past hurts go. And I do agree that holding a grudge only hurts the person holding it. I feel that she was also telling me not to ruin my brother's life by exposing his past. There is no acknowledgement of how my life has been affected by my brother's actions. There is no understanding that this is more that just forgiving my brother. It is an ongoing process of healing a broken soul.

With all the many years that have passed and the counselors who have taught me how to cope, one statement from my mother brings me to tears and reminds me how lonely and afraid I was at 12 years old. It was at that time when I realized that I could not rely on anyone to protect me. Given how deeply these experiences have affected me, it is any wonder that I would want to improve the lot of all women? Is it surprising that I would want to do all that I can to stop abuse and end the cycle of misery?

Along with my anger regarding my mother's defense of my brother, there is anger at God. Why would he allow these things to continue when I prayed so sincerely for relief? Now, I have been taught that God must allow everyone their agency to chose good or evil. So, maybe God did not stop the abuse because my brother had to freely choose good over evil. My brother obviously failed that test. So God may not force an individual to chose good, but shouldn't a church supposedly lead and directed by God be setup in such a fashion that it encourages and trains it's members to make good choices?

The church to which I belong is a very patriarchal church. The men hold the priesthood and women are taught to be subject to them. There are scriptures and such that emphasize that men are not to abuse their priesthood power but there always seem to be other scriptures that can be used as justification when a man does abuse his power. It is my personal belief that this inequality promotes the maltreatment of women. Now, I recognize that the majority of men in my church love their wives and treat them kindly. The older men although kind to their wives still hold onto the "head of the household" status and expect to be obeyed by their wives. The younger men seem to be embracing the partnership model of marriage more and more. However, there are still rules that must not be broken. Women are not to work outside the home unless there are extenuating circumstances. Women and girls don't hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is such a privilege that women will say how grateful they are to have the priesthood in their home because they have a husband or son who holds the priesthood. Since a daughter can not hold the priesthood, she is relegated to a position of second-best. A parent may express their gratitude for having a daughter but it isn't the same because she can not bring to the home the valued priesthood which a son could. When a daughter is seen as second-best whether conciously or sub-conciously, it will happen that the son's welfare will be given a higher priority to the daughter. This is where the maltreatment comes in. It may be sub-concious but it is there and results in men who feel justified in their abuse of women and women who don't have the self esteem to know they deserve better.

Would a loving God intentionally place such a division between His sons and daughters? In Acts 10:34 Peter says "Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons" If this is true that God loves His daughters the same as His sons and it was never His intention to exclude His daughters or make them feel second-best.

In this trial of faith, I wonder how I can stay true to the beliefs I hold dear and still remain a member of a church that seems at odds to those beliefs. An easy solution would be to find another church that I can attend. I have actually attended other churches and in each one I have found this or that belief that doesn't sit well with me. Another thought is to stop attending church and worship in my own way at home. I happen to be a very social person and I like the community that I am part of when I attend church. Actually, there are a number of women in my congregation who share my beliefs about women. We are the closeted feminists hiding amongst the staunch patriarchal believers. Bigger than that is that fact that despite my concerns and lack of faith, I believe that the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ is true. I believe that the Book of Mormon is true. It's all the other stuff that is added on that I question and doubt. What of it is true and what is mankind's own creation to supply divine justification for actions and beliefs?

I sympathize with the father who brought his child to be healed by Jesus ...
"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:23-24)

Becoming a [Blog] Writer

I've been reading this book "Becoming a Writer" by Dorothea Brande. I got the book for Christmas but I'm just now starting to read it. Actually, taking only six months to get around to reading a book is pretty good for me.

So, this book was actually written in 1934 and is has just recently been republished. It really isn't a "How To" type book obsessed with techniques of character development. The author focuses more on the psyche of the fledgling writer and all the neuroses that these individuals have. When I first started reading the book, I was getting quite excited because it seemed that despite all my hang-ups that I had a chance of eventually breaking through and becoming a writer. The author provides some excersizes which are aimed at unblocking any writer's block and helping the novice writer find thier style.

Then I read the following: "If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, give up writing. Your resistance is actually greater than your desire to write, and you may as well find some other outlet for your energy early as late."

Before I'd read this sentance, I was already thinking that I didn't have to follow the excersize exactly as the author outlined it. The excersize is just too rigid for me and I just can't include it in my life the way she specifies. So, maybe I'm doomed to fail. My enthusiasm has already wained and I haven't picked up the book to continue reading it for a week or so now.

To be a writer or not to be a writer... I guess only will time will tell for sure. It does seem that the forecast is not so good because I struggle just to take time to write a few words on this blog.

I take encouragement from Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. Honestly, this isn't just a brown-nosing thing because Zhu always leaves comments on my post. I drop in on Zhu's blog once in a while and I always enjoy myself. That is the true test of a good writer. People coming back for more. Anyway, part of my reason for bringing up Zhu is that she's been doing a series on "How to Blog". I really like it. I also realized that many of her suggestions could be applied to my blog. It's a bit boring, I know. Something else to improve upon.

I will perserve and perhaps one day I will become a [blog] writer.

Do I have time to Blog?

Here I am, it's 10:00 pm and really time for me to be in bed because I have to go to work in the morning. I've been thinking about a post I wanted to make for the last four days and just haven't gotten around to it. Too many things in my real life to be done.

So tonight, I sit down at the computer to look at what is left on my ever expanding "to do" list and since that is kind of discouraging I easily get distracted checking my email. In one email the title of an article catches my eye: "Five Sensible Tips for Achieving Work-Life Balance" Could this article contain the precious nugget of knowledge that will make all my dreams come true?

Unfortunately not. It is not that the suggestions weren't good. Almost all of them made sense to me, except for the one from a woman who only sleeps 6 hours a night. I am one of those strange people that really does need 8 hours of sleep! As with any realistic plan for improvement it requires changing habits. An extremely difficult thing for any one to do, myself included.

So as much as I would like to spend each evening practicing my writing skills on this blog, the demands of my work and personal life have to be meet. On the blogs that I visit regularly, I am impressed with how often those bloggers post. How do they make the time? Am I just a slacker that I can't do it all?

How do you manage it? Comments any one?

Delusions vs. Daydreams

The other day my husband asked me why I call this site Self Delusions and I told him it was because it sounded more interesting than Daydreams. After all, people who have delusions of being important use important sounding words. The same day I logged onto the Internet as was greeted by the following quote:

"Nothing causes self-delusion quite so readily as power."
Liu Binyan

Truth is I really don't have much power so that couldn't be the cause of my delusions or daydreams. After doing a bit more searching I found this quote which is closer to my situation:

"Delusions may be the only things which render life tolerable, and, as such, are jealously defended against all the assaults of reason."
Anthony Storr

My most jealously defended delusion is that something I have to say may be helpful to another human being. I've always thought this was proof that I am genuinely a good person. While listening to a radio program, I learned that many altruistic actions are really quite selfish. Perhaps the person doesn't want to feel guilty or wants others to see them as a good person. I think I fall into both categories. So, now I wonder if anyone does anything for unselfish reasons? Maybe we are all self-delusional?

Truth is I have thought about writing a book (or books) for years now. My thoughts have bounced around several topics. However, this small venture into writing a blog didn't start until one day I read the following quote:

"We can think a thought to death but only when we move upon the thought do we bless human lives."
Thomas S. Monson

Suddenly, I was feeling guilty that someone out there in that great big world needed my wisdom and I was selfishly keeping it to myself out of pure laziness!

Let the delusions continue!

**UPDATE 8-6-2014 - I now have a different and not very positive opinion about Thomas S. Monson who is the current president of the LDS religion.  Once I found the LDS religion to be based upon a fraud, I tend to consider the higher-up leaders to be nothing more than very successful con-artists.

Why a Pen Name

It goes along with the self-delusion that my writing may actually be good and people may actually read this blog. If people do read this blog and I used my real name then my real friends and family may hear about it. I want to be anonymous so that I can say what I think with out worrying how the people I know will feel about it. I am really not a false person just very sensitive about offending those I love and I know that many of my opinions disagree sharply with the beliefs held by most of my family. I think they know it too because there seems to be an unspoken agreement that we don't talk about certain subjects.

To start off this blog, I want to share why I chose the name that I did. I named myself after three women who had a significant positive effect on my life.

Angela is the first name of my first true friend. I could say that she saved my life because she befriended me when we were in middle school and at that time I was considering suicide. She didn't realize it but she made me give life a second chance. She was an angel to me.

May is my older sister's middle name. This sister practically raised me and we share a close bond. I always knew my sister had stuck up for me in the rough and tumble family we had but I didn't realize what it had cost her until I confessed to her that I had been sexually abused by our brother. Turns out that when I was just a baby she was being sexually abused by another brother. When my mom and dad went away she would go and hide from my brother. She would hear me crying and she would come out of hiding to protect me even though she knew my brother was making me cry just to get her to come out.

Packard is the maiden name of my mother-in-law and the contribution that she made to my life was raising a son that is respectful, loving and understanding. Being from a family where the boys were cruel and self-serving made me appreciate what it takes to raise good children. I'm sure my father-in-law had a hand in the raising of my good husband as well but none of his name worked for my pen name.

So, now you know the other reason why I'm using a pen name ... dark family secrets. But don't jump to conclusions just yet. In everyone there is good and bad.