A story by Angela May
I lived and I died and my parents didn't even know that I was there. My mother miscarried me before she even missed a period. It is something that does occur quite often but no one knows how often. After all, how do you count something that you don't even know happened?
I am fortunate though because my mother has a unique talent. She has dreams that are messages just for her. She doesn't talk about it much because she knows that people will think she is weird. She's only had a few of these dreams over the course of her life and they only come to give her very important messages. She dreamt about my father a few months before she actually met him and it took about a month of dating him for her to finally recognize that he was the man in her dream and that she was supposed to marry him. It was another seven years before they got married. My mother says that she has always loved my father deeply but in times of self-doubt, love isn't always enough. Remembering the dream she had about my father helped her to put aside the doubts and focus on the man she loved.
On the night that I died, I visited my mother in a dream. She saw me being carried away from her in the arms of someone she didn't know. She saw me as I would have looked, had I lived. A little girl about four years old. She saw my dark curly hair with just the right amount of curl; the way she always wished her hair would curl. She saw my blue eyes; the same color as her eyes. I called to her "Mama" and reached my hand out. I saw that her heart was breaking. She wanted to come to me and hold me. She was sitting with my father, but he was unaffected by what was going on. Outside the dream, in real life, he was unsure that he wanted children and he was completely unaware of my existence. I know he would have felt differently if I had lived. Something told my mother that she couldn't come to me and that I couldn't stay with her. She understood that but she didn't understand why.
My mother shared her dream with my father after a few days had passed and she could talk about it with out crying. My mother thought that the dream was telling her that she had a daughter waiting to be born and it was time to have children. My father was not ready for children. Years passed and my mother often thought of me and wondered if she would find me. She searched for me online in the pictures of children available for adoption. When she visited other countries she looked for me in the faces of the street children who begged for coins from the rich American tourists. Sometimes, my mother thought the dream was telling her that she had lost her opportunity to be a mother because she selfishly waited to have children. Not being "worthy" to have children has been a fear of my mother's since she was a child. It is an unfounded fear but it plagues her nonetheless.
Time has a way of softening people and changing their perspective. It has been six years after I lived and died and my father has come to appreciate the joy and struggles that enrich a life when one has children. He and my mother were talking about having a child and trying for a child. They were nervous, excited, frightened and so much more. Then one day my mother felt nauseous and her pregnancy test came back positive. They were going to have a child!
It took a while for the reality to set in but soon my mother and father began talking about "when the baby comes". During the first ultrasound, the embryo sac showed plainly on the screen. However, it was small for seven weeks and no heartbeat was detected. Maybe the calculations were off and the baby was actually younger than seven weeks. Still full of hope my parents waited another week to give the baby a chance to grow. Two days shy of the doctor's appointment, there was spotting and the doctor was called. "It could be nothing." My parents were told "Come to the doctor's office in the morning."
My mother had a dream that night about a little boy with thick sandy blonde hair that reminded her of her father's thick hair. She held him tight because she knew he couldn't stay. He looked into my mother's eyes and she saw the close resemblance to my father. Her heart was breaking again. My father was also in this dream. Though silent he stretched his arms around his wife and son and held them tight. Then the dream was over and my mother woke to find she had indeed miscarried again.
The day ahead was long and painful. They had to visit the doctor to ensure that my mother would be OK. There were a lot of tears and now the reality of a lost child had to set in. As my mother pondered the dream she had of the little boy, she began to feel that it was her son saying goodbye and this brought her comfort. My mother believes strongly that the soul does go on after this life and she immediately felt that her son, though only a few weeks old, would go on and would one day meet her after she passed out of this life.
It didn't take long for her to finally understand her dream about a little girl with dark curly hair so many years ago. It was not a dream about a lost child to be found or a warning of dire consequences for postponing children. The dream was just her daughter saying "I am here, I am your daughter."
You may be sceptical that any of this could be true. It isn't scientific or based on any real evidence. It doesn't matter, my mother knows in her heart that I exist and I have a brother.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wow!
So, I'm up way past my bedtime browsing sites trying to get ideas for the design of my husband's website. Honestly, design is not my talent and right about now I'm considering paying a friend of mine to do the design.
Anyway, I browsed onto the Webby Awards site and found the site Jonathan Yuen.
Wow! I'm impressed. It's really quite beautiful, I can see why he won for the aesthetic design category. I just had to share it with someone.
Anyway, I browsed onto the Webby Awards site and found the site Jonathan Yuen.
Wow! I'm impressed. It's really quite beautiful, I can see why he won for the aesthetic design category. I just had to share it with someone.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Becoming a [Blog] Writer
I've been reading this book "Becoming a Writer" by Dorothea Brande. I got the book for Christmas but I'm just now starting to read it. Actually, taking only six months to get around to reading a book is pretty good for me.
So, this book was actually written in 1934 and is has just recently been republished. It really isn't a "How To" type book obsessed with techniques of character development. The author focuses more on the psyche of the fledgling writer and all the neuroses that these individuals have. When I first started reading the book, I was getting quite excited because it seemed that despite all my hang-ups that I had a chance of eventually breaking through and becoming a writer. The author provides some excersizes which are aimed at unblocking any writer's block and helping the novice writer find thier style.
Then I read the following: "If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, give up writing. Your resistance is actually greater than your desire to write, and you may as well find some other outlet for your energy early as late."
Before I'd read this sentance, I was already thinking that I didn't have to follow the excersize exactly as the author outlined it. The excersize is just too rigid for me and I just can't include it in my life the way she specifies. So, maybe I'm doomed to fail. My enthusiasm has already wained and I haven't picked up the book to continue reading it for a week or so now.
To be a writer or not to be a writer... I guess only will time will tell for sure. It does seem that the forecast is not so good because I struggle just to take time to write a few words on this blog.
I take encouragement from Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. Honestly, this isn't just a brown-nosing thing because Zhu always leaves comments on my post. I drop in on Zhu's blog once in a while and I always enjoy myself. That is the true test of a good writer. People coming back for more. Anyway, part of my reason for bringing up Zhu is that she's been doing a series on "How to Blog". I really like it. I also realized that many of her suggestions could be applied to my blog. It's a bit boring, I know. Something else to improve upon.
I will perserve and perhaps one day I will become a [blog] writer.
So, this book was actually written in 1934 and is has just recently been republished. It really isn't a "How To" type book obsessed with techniques of character development. The author focuses more on the psyche of the fledgling writer and all the neuroses that these individuals have. When I first started reading the book, I was getting quite excited because it seemed that despite all my hang-ups that I had a chance of eventually breaking through and becoming a writer. The author provides some excersizes which are aimed at unblocking any writer's block and helping the novice writer find thier style.
Then I read the following: "If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, give up writing. Your resistance is actually greater than your desire to write, and you may as well find some other outlet for your energy early as late."
Before I'd read this sentance, I was already thinking that I didn't have to follow the excersize exactly as the author outlined it. The excersize is just too rigid for me and I just can't include it in my life the way she specifies. So, maybe I'm doomed to fail. My enthusiasm has already wained and I haven't picked up the book to continue reading it for a week or so now.
To be a writer or not to be a writer... I guess only will time will tell for sure. It does seem that the forecast is not so good because I struggle just to take time to write a few words on this blog.
I take encouragement from Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. Honestly, this isn't just a brown-nosing thing because Zhu always leaves comments on my post. I drop in on Zhu's blog once in a while and I always enjoy myself. That is the true test of a good writer. People coming back for more. Anyway, part of my reason for bringing up Zhu is that she's been doing a series on "How to Blog". I really like it. I also realized that many of her suggestions could be applied to my blog. It's a bit boring, I know. Something else to improve upon.
I will perserve and perhaps one day I will become a [blog] writer.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Brainwashing or Teaching?
I have complained many times on my blog regarding the my inability to make time for writing. I will not complain more, I only want to say that I wish someone would invent a mechanism for capturing thoughts and instantly transcribing them to a blog. It would be such a time savings, though quite possibly unintelligible.
In my thoughts over the last several weeks are on the events surrounding the raid on the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is a tragedy on so many levels. The obvious tragedy is that young girls have been forced into marriages. Anyone watching the interviews with the mothers whose children have been taken from them can sympathize with their grief. It may be easier for us to justify taking custody of the kids if we imagine these people to be monsters. I think perhaps some of them are the perverted monsters we want to imagine but many of them are good people trying to live their religion.
How is it that a "good" person could allow their underage daughter to be married to a much older man? What if you were taught from the time you were young that this is natural and the way to godliness? If you didn't know any other life but this, it would not seem strange at all. At that suggestion, the response seems to be that the members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have been brainwashed and they are brainwashing their kids? If you ask them, they will say they are just teaching their kids the right way to live. The fact is there are many different cultures through out the world that are different from ours and just being different doesn't make them wrong. However, there are certain morals which need to be upheld and one of those is the right of each person to make his or her own choices.
The difference between brainwashing and teaching is the ability for the recipient to truly make their own choices. The trouble is that there is a fine line between brainwashing and teaching. I'm not a parent so I can only rely on my experiences from when I was young. I think that at times my parents crossed into the brainwashing realm. They aren't evil people by any means. They were doing their best to teach their children right from wrong. To this day, I can hear my mother telling me "people who smoke are bad, smoking is evil". It wasn't until I had graduated from college that I learned that my mother's father got addicted to smoking and it caused problems with his lungs. He died when my mother was a young girl. She was brainwashing us to keep us from even trying a cigarette. She was afraid that genetically we too would be predisposed to the same lung problems and if we picked up smoking we too would die young.
The question from my example is: Did I avoid smoking because I consciously chose to do so or did I avoid it because I was afraid of what my mother would say? The bottom-line is that most kids want their parent's approval and that desire is so strong that sometimes it can be difficult to tell why you made certain choices.
Assuming that the adult members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were only trying to teach their culture to their children and didn't intentionally do any brainwashing, does that make the underage marriages OK? I don't think it does. If I struggle to separate my parents' desires for me from my own choice and I'm thirty-something, how much more difficult would it be for a teenager? I don't think teenagers should be forced into marriage ... period! Marriage is difficult enough with out the added burden of immaturity and going through puberty at the same time. Add to that the complexities of a polygamous marriage and to an older man. This is abuse, whether intended or not.
This truly is a very complicated situation where it can be difficult to determine right or wrong. Was it right to take custody of kids who might be abused? Is it wrong to separate parents from their children and take away those parents' right to raise their children in their own beliefs? What is the correct solution to this situation?
Many years ago, a sociology teacher explained our personal rights in the following fashion: "My right to throw a punch ends when I impede upon your right to be safe from violence." The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints claims the right to practice their religion as they chose, but that right ends when they take away the rights of others and the children have the right to a childhood free of fear and abuse.
From my own experience as an sexually abused teenager, I am in favor of taking the children into custody. Why? Because underage marriage is abuse not a religion. Because the beliefs and isolation of the church made it difficult for any abused child to seek or receive help. I know what it feels like to be trapped in an abusive situation and not know how to get out. Being too young and too afraid to speak up. How I wished that someone would notice my plight and step in to protect me.
As I mentioned the right way to address this situation is not clear cut. There are probably kids who were never abused and this separation is creating problems for them. I do sympathize with them. This is why it is a tragedy on so many levels and it was so unnecessary. The why it was unnecessary will have to be the topic of another post because I'll have to explain polygamy from a Mormon's perspective.
In my thoughts over the last several weeks are on the events surrounding the raid on the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is a tragedy on so many levels. The obvious tragedy is that young girls have been forced into marriages. Anyone watching the interviews with the mothers whose children have been taken from them can sympathize with their grief. It may be easier for us to justify taking custody of the kids if we imagine these people to be monsters. I think perhaps some of them are the perverted monsters we want to imagine but many of them are good people trying to live their religion.
How is it that a "good" person could allow their underage daughter to be married to a much older man? What if you were taught from the time you were young that this is natural and the way to godliness? If you didn't know any other life but this, it would not seem strange at all. At that suggestion, the response seems to be that the members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have been brainwashed and they are brainwashing their kids? If you ask them, they will say they are just teaching their kids the right way to live. The fact is there are many different cultures through out the world that are different from ours and just being different doesn't make them wrong. However, there are certain morals which need to be upheld and one of those is the right of each person to make his or her own choices.
The difference between brainwashing and teaching is the ability for the recipient to truly make their own choices. The trouble is that there is a fine line between brainwashing and teaching. I'm not a parent so I can only rely on my experiences from when I was young. I think that at times my parents crossed into the brainwashing realm. They aren't evil people by any means. They were doing their best to teach their children right from wrong. To this day, I can hear my mother telling me "people who smoke are bad, smoking is evil". It wasn't until I had graduated from college that I learned that my mother's father got addicted to smoking and it caused problems with his lungs. He died when my mother was a young girl. She was brainwashing us to keep us from even trying a cigarette. She was afraid that genetically we too would be predisposed to the same lung problems and if we picked up smoking we too would die young.
The question from my example is: Did I avoid smoking because I consciously chose to do so or did I avoid it because I was afraid of what my mother would say? The bottom-line is that most kids want their parent's approval and that desire is so strong that sometimes it can be difficult to tell why you made certain choices.
Assuming that the adult members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were only trying to teach their culture to their children and didn't intentionally do any brainwashing, does that make the underage marriages OK? I don't think it does. If I struggle to separate my parents' desires for me from my own choice and I'm thirty-something, how much more difficult would it be for a teenager? I don't think teenagers should be forced into marriage ... period! Marriage is difficult enough with out the added burden of immaturity and going through puberty at the same time. Add to that the complexities of a polygamous marriage and to an older man. This is abuse, whether intended or not.
This truly is a very complicated situation where it can be difficult to determine right or wrong. Was it right to take custody of kids who might be abused? Is it wrong to separate parents from their children and take away those parents' right to raise their children in their own beliefs? What is the correct solution to this situation?
Many years ago, a sociology teacher explained our personal rights in the following fashion: "My right to throw a punch ends when I impede upon your right to be safe from violence." The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints claims the right to practice their religion as they chose, but that right ends when they take away the rights of others and the children have the right to a childhood free of fear and abuse.
From my own experience as an sexually abused teenager, I am in favor of taking the children into custody. Why? Because underage marriage is abuse not a religion. Because the beliefs and isolation of the church made it difficult for any abused child to seek or receive help. I know what it feels like to be trapped in an abusive situation and not know how to get out. Being too young and too afraid to speak up. How I wished that someone would notice my plight and step in to protect me.
As I mentioned the right way to address this situation is not clear cut. There are probably kids who were never abused and this separation is creating problems for them. I do sympathize with them. This is why it is a tragedy on so many levels and it was so unnecessary. The why it was unnecessary will have to be the topic of another post because I'll have to explain polygamy from a Mormon's perspective.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Seeking After These Things
Wow! It's been a long time since I posted. I guess I got overwhelmed with other things ... like work! The last few weeks I've been trying to think of how I can fit this blog in with everything else I'm trying to do. Sometimes, my biggest challenges result from my desire to do everything and be everything. In reality there just isn't enough time in the day or energy in my body for it all.
So, today I'm supposed to be watching the Latter-Day Saint General Conference and all I'm hearing is blah-blah-blah. Just for those of you not familiar with this conference, it is a bi-annual event where all LDS folks (a.k.a Mormons) tune into a broadcast from Salt Lake City. In many cases, the conference addresses are inspirational and uplifting. Because I have a tendency to be a bit more liberal than mainstream mormons, I do find some things a bit challenging. I don't think I was even listening today. That may be because I've got a cold and not feeling well does have a tendency to make me disinterested in most things.
While listening to the conference, I found myself browsing the internet following links from one post to the next. Some of the posts were written by ex-mormons and others by mormons. I wasn't looking for anything specific just following the links that had an interesting title. I was happy to find that some of the posts by ex-mormons were respectful which isn't always the case. I was also happy to find some posts by mormons which were open-minded which isn't always the case. It was encouraging because I truly hate bitter arguments about religion. The bottom-line is that religion is a matter of faith. It can not be proved or disproved so why fight over it.
Reading these posts today reminded me of the simple precepts that are held up as our Articles of Faith. The two which came to mind are numbers 11 and 13:
#11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
I have my own struggles with my religion. There are things I don't understand and things that frustrate me. Even so, I hold dearly onto my right to have my religion and I don't like others knocking my religion. I don't think any religion is perfect because they are all dependent on people who are not perfect. I've done some investigation of other christian religions and have found things that I don't like about them as well. So, what would be the point of making a change.
I love that the LDS religion was founded by man who once was a 14 year-old boy who had questions. Today, it seems that those who have questions are problematic. People don't know how to handle the questions. They are afraid that to question is to risk apostasy. I am learning to embrace my questions. They are my heritage. It is only when we question that we grow. This church would not exist if it had not been for a question.
The response that Joseph Smith received to his question was considered heretical to some who had closed their minds to other possibilities. Perhaps that is why Joseph Smith tried to promote open-mindedness through the thirteenth article of faith. If we are seeking out the good things wherever they may be found, then we will have open-minds. A little open-mindedness and true Christlike love for others would go a long way to making this world a better place.
UPDATE 8-8-2014 - Where do I even start updating this post? Maybe I should just point out my more recent posts that explain my complete loss of religion. I still do not like bitter arguments about religion because I just don't see the point. No one knows for sure if there is or is not a god or a life after this. I am feeling quite angry towards the mormon religion in particular because I feel like I've been lied to for most of my life. The Articles of Faith mentioned above was simply one of the church's earliest attempts at public relations and it is well perfected now. There are so many things said or written publicly which don't reflect the actual beliefs and teachings. It also seems that the church changes it's position as needed to stay in favor with it's conservative base. There is no open-mindedness or ability to ask questions. That was recently and publicly demonstrated when the church excommunicated a woman for asking that women be given the priesthood. Oddly enough the church is more conservative now than it was at it's beginning.
I do find it amusing that I'm now a devil atheist just like my only commenter on this post, Zhu. At least I'm in good company.
So, today I'm supposed to be watching the Latter-Day Saint General Conference and all I'm hearing is blah-blah-blah. Just for those of you not familiar with this conference, it is a bi-annual event where all LDS folks (a.k.a Mormons) tune into a broadcast from Salt Lake City. In many cases, the conference addresses are inspirational and uplifting. Because I have a tendency to be a bit more liberal than mainstream mormons, I do find some things a bit challenging. I don't think I was even listening today. That may be because I've got a cold and not feeling well does have a tendency to make me disinterested in most things.
While listening to the conference, I found myself browsing the internet following links from one post to the next. Some of the posts were written by ex-mormons and others by mormons. I wasn't looking for anything specific just following the links that had an interesting title. I was happy to find that some of the posts by ex-mormons were respectful which isn't always the case. I was also happy to find some posts by mormons which were open-minded which isn't always the case. It was encouraging because I truly hate bitter arguments about religion. The bottom-line is that religion is a matter of faith. It can not be proved or disproved so why fight over it.
Reading these posts today reminded me of the simple precepts that are held up as our Articles of Faith. The two which came to mind are numbers 11 and 13:
#11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
I have my own struggles with my religion. There are things I don't understand and things that frustrate me. Even so, I hold dearly onto my right to have my religion and I don't like others knocking my religion. I don't think any religion is perfect because they are all dependent on people who are not perfect. I've done some investigation of other christian religions and have found things that I don't like about them as well. So, what would be the point of making a change.
I love that the LDS religion was founded by man who once was a 14 year-old boy who had questions. Today, it seems that those who have questions are problematic. People don't know how to handle the questions. They are afraid that to question is to risk apostasy. I am learning to embrace my questions. They are my heritage. It is only when we question that we grow. This church would not exist if it had not been for a question.
The response that Joseph Smith received to his question was considered heretical to some who had closed their minds to other possibilities. Perhaps that is why Joseph Smith tried to promote open-mindedness through the thirteenth article of faith. If we are seeking out the good things wherever they may be found, then we will have open-minds. A little open-mindedness and true Christlike love for others would go a long way to making this world a better place.
UPDATE 8-8-2014 - Where do I even start updating this post? Maybe I should just point out my more recent posts that explain my complete loss of religion. I still do not like bitter arguments about religion because I just don't see the point. No one knows for sure if there is or is not a god or a life after this. I am feeling quite angry towards the mormon religion in particular because I feel like I've been lied to for most of my life. The Articles of Faith mentioned above was simply one of the church's earliest attempts at public relations and it is well perfected now. There are so many things said or written publicly which don't reflect the actual beliefs and teachings. It also seems that the church changes it's position as needed to stay in favor with it's conservative base. There is no open-mindedness or ability to ask questions. That was recently and publicly demonstrated when the church excommunicated a woman for asking that women be given the priesthood. Oddly enough the church is more conservative now than it was at it's beginning.
I do find it amusing that I'm now a devil atheist just like my only commenter on this post, Zhu. At least I'm in good company.
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