Fear Itself

I didn't consciously recognize that today was the one month anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings until I heard that it was on the way home from work this evening.  However, subconsciously or instinctually, I must have known it this morning.  It started off as any other day with my pushing my son to wake up, eat his breakfast and get ready for school.  We were running late as usual.  Finally, in the car and on our way.  It didn't even feel different when I took him into his classroom and gave him a hug and a kiss as I explained once again that Mommy can't stay Mommy has to go to work. 

As I walked out of the classroom, I paused and intentionally pushed the door closed... more secure than just walking off as it closed on it's own.  That's when my stomach started churning and as I walked to my car I was growing more and more uncertain about leaving my son at school this morning.  But, I had a meeting that I was going to be late for.  I kept walking.  Driving away from the school the knot in my stomach pulled at me to go back, get my son.  I resisted, this isn't logical.  I don't have any real reason to be concerned.  What about my mother who claimed on so many occasions to receive inspiration to take certain actions which lead to ensuring the safety of one family member or another.  Could this be such an inspiration?  I don't know, I was never very good at sorting out what was my own crazy thoughts and what was actually "inspiration".  I resolved to call my husband as soon as I could and tell him to go pick up my son.  I would have called him on the way to work but I'm not good a dialing numbers while I drive.

So, I get to work, postponed that meeting which I was already late for and called my husband.  I didn't immediately tell him to go and get my son.  I explained how I was feeling and how scared and nervous I was about leaving our son at school today.  My husband gave me all the rational explanations about why I shouldn't worry.  The chances of another Sandy Hook happening are so small.  We chose a good school in a good area of town.  It's a small school not very well known... etc.  I explained that I'd already gone through that and what I was feeling was not rational it was completely and utterly an irrational fear.

Talking about it with my husband calmed me down and helped me get back to my day and once I got busy with meetings and other work items, the fear I had experienced was temporarily forgotten.  Then on my way home as I listened to the news and the commentary about this being the one-month anniversary, I realized that what I had experienced was a mini-panic attack.  I've had them before, years ago when I was still coming to terms and recovering from the abuse I'd suffered at the hands of my brother.  I'm not sure why I am affected so much by the Sandy Hook incident.  I didn't even remotely know anyone who was killed on that day.  Perhaps it is affecting me because I know what it is like to have a loaded gun pointed at me with the threat of imminent death.  The thought that plaques me is the fear those children had to endure on that day when a place where they were supposed to be safe was attacked.  I keep thinking that the fear must have been terrible and I cry thinking about those moments before they were released to God.

The parents of the children lost at Sandy Hook are asking that this be a turning point at which this country gets serious about addressing the violence.  I very much agree with this and that there is not a single approach that will solve the problem.  There are many issues which need to be addressed.  For me, because of my experiences I feel strongly that everyone in this country needs to have more respect for guns.  They are not toys to be casually shared with our children (pictures of your toddler holding a gun are not cute).  They are not the ultimate protective device (having one does not make you Clint Eastwood).  The threat of you having one is not going to magically ward of criminals (they have one too so it doesn't make you special).  This is not something that a law can change (though better laws are needed), this is a change of attitude which is much more difficult to change.  I pray that we may find a way to change it otherwise we will have good reason to fear; fear itself.

Tired of the NRA Propoganda

So, I have started making my way to creating a post on this blog several times now but I keep getting distracted.  Primarily, I'm getting distracted by the posts on the Feminist Mormon Housewives blog.  What they have to say is far more interesting than the slop that is on Facebook.  I really don't know why I bother except that my family is on Facebook and each day I check their posts just hoping for some morsel about how their lives are really going.  I have been very much disappointed lately.  Which brings me to the one very simple thing that I want to express...

I find it very offensive that since the Sandy Brook Elementary shootings there are more posts on Facebook about the fear of losing our right to bear arms then about the lives lost in that incident.  Really!  What is more important here?  I really don't mind people having guns (with in reason!) but my reaction to this onslaught of fear mongering regarding gun control can be compared to an exhasperated parent whose child is throwing a fit yet again.  "Just take them all away!  You can't play with them nicely, then you can't have them at all"

So much of this comes from my own family members.  For the most part my family members are good people.  So, what is this world coming to when the good people think more violence (i.e. teachers carrying guns in school) is the solution for the violence we are dealing with.

I've already ruffled a number of feathers over this topic and I'm trying really hard not to get in another argument but it's really, really hard when I see some of these posts that to me are so obviously propoganda from the NRA.  I am a proponent of the 2nd amendment within reason but raffles to give away automatic rifles?  You know the ones that look like a gun a soldier should be carrying.  I think we've gone to the extreme people!