What do I believe?

It's a question that I'm asking myself a lot lately and I don't know how to answer it.  I've spent the last 20 years as an on-again-off-again Mormon... mostly because I was raised Mormon.  I don't think I would have joined if I hadn't been born into the church.  Over the last few months, I returned because I wanted my son to understand the religion that is such a huge part of his families lives.  Except it's not a huge part of our life and as I spend time going to church, associating with other Mormons and reading liberal Mormon blogs, I am reminded of all the reasons I wouldn't join the church if I weren't already Mormon.  Now, I'm asking myself "What am I doing to my son?"  Teaching him things that I don't really believe myself.  I feel like a huge hypocrite.  The thing is I really want to believe so much of what is taught at church... not just in the Mormon church but in any religion.  I want to believe there is life after death because I am so afraid of losing my family and never seeing them again.  I want to believe that I can pray for them each and every day and know that they will be kept safe.  The problem is there are far too many examples of families who did pray and loved ones were still lost.  I know the whole line that God's answer to a prayer is no and He has a plan that we don't see.  I want a guarantee.  I want to know that if I do certain things that my family will be protected... but instead I know that it doesn't work that way.

Then I ask myself "if my religion can't do for me the one thing I want it to do more than anything else, what is it good for?"  I'm still looking for that answer.  Thinking about things that have brought me comfort and peace in my life and how they relate or don't relate to religion.  I'm wondering now what to do next, where do I go from here.  I know that I can't sell myself out just to bury fears in an ignorant belief that if I follow a religion to the letter it will guarantee that my family will be with me for eternity.  The reality is that would probably split my family apart far sooner.  I would become bitter and miserable putting up with doctrine that minimized me as a woman and laid guilt on me for doing the things that I'm good at.  Then there is the description of heaven which sounds more like hell to me with righteous men rewarded for their good deeds with multiple wives.  The price for this eternal family as offered by the Mormons is too high for me.  But where do I go to get the more reasonable and loving religion that I seek.  I know there are so many to chose from and on occasion I visit some different churches.  I feel a bit like P.J. FunnyBunny in the book "It's not easy being a Bunny".  No one knows a Mormon like another Mormon... even a failed Mormon.