My Eternal Dilemma

About a year and a half ago my parents came for a visit and we really had a great time visiting the sites and just spending time together. Then one afternoon we were sitting around the table chit chatting when my father felt it necessary to remind me that I would not be with my husband forever because we had not been married in the temple. For those not familiar with the Mormon faith, the temple is considered more sacred than an ordinary church building and it is where special ceremonies are performed. In the case of a temple marriage ceremony, it is meant to bind a husband and wife together beyond death thus it is called an eternal marriage.

The concept of being with your family forever is really wonderful (ok maybe not for someone who had a really bad family but imagine a very loving family here). Because I love my husband deeply, I want nothing more than to have an assurance that our association and love will continue beyond death.

I didn't appreciate my father's reminder. To me it was obvious he was trying to manipulate my emotions to make me feel guilty about my choice not to get married in the temple. I tried to explain why I made the choice but a subsequent letter from my mother after they had returned home confirmed that they really hadn't heard me.

Going to the temple to get married isn't like showing up for church on Sunday morning. You have to get a temple recommend which is a certification that you are living a life worthy of entrance into the temple. What is considered worthy? Well, you can't be smoking, drinking or having sex outside of marriage. There are also questions asked about whether or not you support church leaders and if you belong to groups that oppose church doctrines.

It's this last bit that I struggle with. I don't have a problem supporting leaders even if I don't always agree with them as long as I feel that they are sincerely seeking the best for those they are leading. Just because someone is denoted as a leader doesn't mean they are immediately perfect and I understand that I can't hold minor imperfections against people in leadership positions. In many cases, they are simply doing the best that they know how. However, I am very concerned when it is expected that my "support" be more like blind following. Often I do not feel free to question something a church leader has said or done. I'm not talking about questioning in a critical way but questioning in an "I'm trying to understand" way. Blind following is what leads hundreds of people to drink poisoned lemonade and I don't want to be part of anything like that.

I also struggle with the fact that I do disagree with some purported church doctrines. I have for years distinguished between the church and the gospel. The gospel is what Christ taught in the New Testament and in the Book of Mormon. It is simple and easy to understand. The church is an organization of men and women who are trying to live the gospel and they have developed programs and meetings and anything else that they can think of to help people live the gospel. However, all the various aids are not the gospel. While they may help some they are not what is important. Sometimes, I feel that the church and everything that goes with it are the things that are made to be important and the simple, easy to understand gospel is forgotten.

To me the gospel of Christ is captured in just two commandments which I quote from the New Testament in Matthew Chapter 22:
"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."
I believe that any doctrine must comply with these two commandments.

Some of the things that the church has done and continues to support do not really comply with these two commandments. For example, while the church doesn't currently practice polygamy, they did when the church first started. That practice caused so much heartache and pain for so many women and some men that it doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself". Additionally, the mentality that women are subject to men is not completely gone from the church. In my family, this subjugation was cast in the light that men were to be responsible and care for their wives and daughters. It was OK for women to defer to men because the men were heroic and noble protectors of women. Of course the men would never do anything to harm a woman! Well the reality of this situation in my experience was that I felt like a second-class citizen in my own family. While my brothers were encouraged, I was restricted. When my brothers got jobs in high-school they were industrious. When I asked permission to get a job (other than babysitting) I apparently was inferring that my father was unable to take care of me which was an insult. Keeping women from holding the priesthood and most leadership positions seems to reinforce the sense of entitlement that many men have and unfortunately abuse of women in varying degrees. Again it just doesn't fit with the "love thy neighbor as thyself".

While my concerns about how women fit into the church culture are the most significant cause for my doubt in the validity of the church, there are other doctrines that also cause me concern. It is however, the doubt which I feel that keeps me away from the promised eternal marriage with my husband. If I doubt that some aspects of the church are true and sanctioned by God, then how can I be sure that the temple marriage ceremony will indeed guarantee that I will be with my husband after death?

The temptation is to go through the ceremony, just in case it is what it purports to be. However, it's not as simple as that. In parts of the temple ceremony, participants are asked to make commitments to live God's commandments and of course it is implied that God's commandments are the doctrines of the church. Because the temple ceremonies are considered sacred, participants are also asked to keep the proceedings secret. What is disturbing to me is that the promise to keep the secret is something like "I'd rather disembowel myself than reveal the sacred ceremonies" (I am paraphrasing what I heard from others who have gone to the temple.) It just feels a little too much like "drink the poisoned lemonade". I take my commitments seriously and I would feel like a hypocrite going through the motions and making commitments when I'm not entirely sure that there is any truth to the promises of the temple.

This is really very hard for me, particularly now as my husband and I prepare for the birth of our baby. Of course I want that reassurance that we will still be a family even after death. That death will not separate us. But I don't know if the temple ceremonies can actually provide this. Many people believe it will, but honestly no one living knows this. Do I sacrifice my integrity and pretend to agree with things just to go through this temple ceremony? How can God expect me to follow through on a commitment to keep his commandments if I trade in my integrity on this? So much about God is speculation anyway; maybe God doesn't require ceremonies to bind a family together. Maybe it's the love that we feel for one another that binds us. To me the love is much more real than any ceremony.

Back from the Brink

Honestly, I was not as close to the brink as it may have felt to me. This pregnancy has been tiring, painful and filled with fear. I have asked the inevitable but pointless question of "why me" on a number of occasions. The past week or so has been better as judged by the fact that I no longer need to take Tylenol every 4 hours. I'm actually making it a whole 24 hours at a time! I've been hesitant to celebrate for fear that I might jinx myself. I'm not normally superstitious but I figure there is no harm in playing it safe.

With all of that, I have still been able to go to work and manage well enough. Obviously, things like blog writing and reading were not a priority and most evenings I spent lying on the couch recuperating from an exhausting day. Today was probably the most productive day that I have spent at home in the last 5 months. I'm rebuilding my computer (hard drive died), I helped a friend get her computer fixed, I went to the baby store with my husband to look at cribs and I even cleaned up my desk a bit. It made me feel like I had just emerged from a thunderstorm and finally stood in the sun.

It's hard sometimes for me when I'm not feeling well to appreciate that I'm not as bad off as I could be. For some reason, I always focus on what I'm not able to do instead of what I am able to do. Yes, I was able to get up and go to work everyday and be somewhat productive at work. Did I congratulate myself for that accomplishment? No, I felt cheated because I was constantly taking pain killers and patiently listening to co-workers comment on how big I am. I was depressed because I came home and retreated to the couch where I lay night after night watching stupid TV serials because they took my mind off the pain that the pain killers didn't kill (I refused to take the narcotics that my OB prescribed).

Now, if I had been really bad off I would have been taking the narcotics because the severity of the pain would have driven me to it. If I had been really bad off I would have be confined to bed. Above all, I have to thank God every day that our little one is hanging in there and appears to be developing as expected. While I may be hurting, our baby is healthy!

I think my problem is that I focus on what others are able to do. I watched my sister manage a difficult pregnancy while she also took care of her other two children. I remember reading blog posts from women who were raising several children, managing their homes and still posting well-though-out, lengthy posts to their blogs. I quickly came to the realization that I can't compete.

I don't know why I can't do everything that I see others doing. Maybe it's really not that important to me? Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe my ADD has more of an impact on my life then I want to admit? I watch the high-powered moms in awe and I want to keep up and do what they do but I'm just too tired and I hurt too much.

So, I'm back from the brink and feeling better. Still way too big for being 5 months pregnant and still in a little pain but really much, much better. However, I'm not making any promises to post on a regular basis or to meet the high standard being set by the moms I know. I just hope to continue, as my doctor put it "tolerating it well".

If I had the Time

If I had the Time ... and energy of course.
I'd comment on every blog post that interested me.
I'd write clever and well thought out posts on my own blog.

I'd watch a movie every evening with my husband.
I'd reply to every email I receive.
I'd call my family members regularly (more than once a year).

I'd finish all those crafty projects that seemed like such good ideas at the time.
Projects with all the materials purchased but stored in my closet because there simple wasn't time or energy ... or both.

Then of course, I'd write a book about all I'd achieved because I had time and energy.
I'm sure I'd make millions because everyone would like to know ...
How in the world did she get all the time and energy?

I know this because that's what I wonder about the people I read about ...
when I have time ... and energy of course.

Complaining

So, I'm really happy to be pregnant and all the ultrasounds show a healthy active baby. So, what is there to complain about? Well, I have Behcet's disease which is an autoimmune disorder that causes all kinds of problems. It's not a big deal when I take the immune suppressing medicine I'm prescribed but I'm not supposed to take any medicine when I'm pregnant. Also, the pregnancy hormones affect the severity of the symptoms. Bottom-line I'm getting hammered. Ulcers through out my digestive tract, bruise-like lesions on my legs, inflamed sinuses and now I have a new symptom of raised itchy bumps on my legs. Since all these symptoms are quite uncomfortable, I'm finding it difficult to sleep and lack of sleep is a contributor to the severity of the Behcet's symptoms.

Last week, I had to be put on a course of steroids because the symptoms got so bad that I thought I might miscarry. Fortunately, after a trip to the emergency room the doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was not in jeopardy. No sooner had I gotten off the steroids that many of the symptoms returned. A couple of days ago, I finally crashed and slept for 11 hours. It felt so good but I still woke up tired.

So, I'm sitting on my couch, still in my pajamas and feeling sorry for myself wondering how in the world am I going to get through the next 6 months of this pregnancy.

Answering Some Questions

My friend Zhu (who I think is the only person who reads my blog) asked me some questions about Mormonism. This post is my attempt to answer those questions.

Question 1: Why is religion so important in North America (the Mormon perspective).

First, I should mention that I obviously don't know the exact answer to this question. Perhaps a well funded research project could accurately answer the question but I'm not well funded and have limited time so I'm just giving my opinion.

This is a very interesting question, particularly considering that most of North American culture is just an extension of European culture since most of us immigrated from Europe at some point in the past. So, why has religion become less important for Europeans while continuing to be very important for North Americans?

I do think that the original reasons that brought people to North America have strongly influenced the North American culture as it started to diverge from European culture. The early settlers came to North America to escape religious persecution in their home countries. At the time that North America was being settled the governments in Europe were heavily influenced or outright run by religious organizations. Cults took membership away from the recognized religious organizations which was equal to a loss of revenue. The persecution of these cults was a way to prevent further loss of membership. Cults were painted as strange and evil and people were taught that joining a cult would mean eternal damnation.

The early settlers of North America who came for religious freedom were very pious and believed very strongly that their religion was the only thing protecting them from the evils of the devil. By the time Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) came along there were quite a number of religious sects and they were all trying to build up their congregations. Joseph Smith took to heart a verse in the Bible, John 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." As the story goes, Joseph's answer to his prayer about which church to join was a visit from God the Father and Jesus Christ telling him that none of the existing churches were correct. Of course when Joseph shared this story with people he became persecuted as well as anyone who did believe his story. The persecution eventually led to his murder.

In between that first prayer and Joseph Smith's murder a lot of stuff happened but I'm trying to keep it brief. The key points are that Joseph received and translated an ancient record known as the Book of Mormon (this is where the Mormon nickname came from). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was formed. Joseph received other revelations which became the Doctrine and Covenants. There was also another ancient record that Joseph translated and became the Pearl of Great Price. So, basically we have more scriptures than just the Bible.

There are two points to this background. First, Mormons got a double dose of persecution and we are brought up on stories about how people died for the right to believe as they wanted and were chased from England (in my family's case) to New England and then all the way to Utah when they converted to Mormonism.

The second point relates to the additional scriptures. Not only were we taught to fiercely defend our right to worship as we choose, we also had scripture that contained dire warnings for people who failed to live according to the gospel doctrine. To be clear this is not the "all sinners will go to hell and eternal damnation" line. Mormons are very much believers in natural consequences. Such as if you take drugs they will destroy your brain. It's a natural consequence not God out to get you for being a sinner.

The particular scripture that I am thinking about is from the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is an account of a group of Israelites who left Jerusalem 600 years prior to the birth of Jesus and travelled to the Western Hemisphere. They established a civilization that after some time became a democracy. When they became a democracy they were advised: "if the time should come that the voice of this people should choose iniquity, that is, if the time should come that this people should fall into transgression, they would be ripe for destruction." (Alma 10:19) The historian William Durant said basically the same thing with out the religious context: "A Great Civilization Is Not Conquered from without until It Destroys Itself from Within"

So, the Mormons (in general) are essentially concerned the entire country will be destroyed if we elect leaders who do not support "Christian" values. I put quotations around "Christian" because values such as honesty, kindness, fidelity, temperance, etc. are not specific to any religion. However, talking to some Christians you would think that they invented these values. Mormons and I think some other Christians (again in general) get even more specific in the values they feel must be promoted by their government because they feel that support of abortion, homosexual marriage and other things they consider to be sinful is choosing iniquity. So, this is why in my opinion you have people voting for politicians who claim to have the same religious views. It is why religion is so important. If you vote for or support someone that doesn't share your view of what is evil then it is no different then choosing evil yourself. Choosing evil = destruction of civilization as we know it = eternal damnation.

Now for the irony of this whole thing. In the religious right mindset, supporting abortion and homosexual marriage is bad but invading another country, killing hundreds of that country's citizens and torturing people is OK. To ease the conscience claim this is done as self defense (never mind that the country in question never attacked the United States).

It is particularly sad to me to see so many Mormons fit into this mindset (including most of my extended family). Mormons are taught to “liken” the scriptures to them, meaning that we are to learn from the stories and choose better paths. Early on in the Book of Mormon the people split into two groups the Nephites and Lamanites. To keep it simple, the Nephites were usually the good people and the Lamanites were the bad people. Now, towards the end of the Book of Mormon, this civilization of people is coming to an end because the two groups are fighting until the elimination of each other.

At the beginning of this final conflict, the Lamanites would attack the Nephites but in most cases the Nephites prevailed because they had their defenses prepared but the Nephites became full of themselves. “And now, because of this great thing which my people, the Nephites, had done, they began to boast in their own strength, and began to swear before the heavens that they would avenge themselves of the blood of their brethren who had been slain by their enemies. And they did swear by the heavens, and also by the throne of God, that they would go up to battle against their enemies, and would cut them off from the face of the land. And it came to pass that I, Mormon, did utterly refuse from this time forth to be a commander and a leader of this people, because of their wickedness and abomination.” (Mormon 3:9-11) The Nephites wickedness was that they were murders, robbers, rapists and war mongers. It was not because they didn’t fit into a tight definition of a “good Christian”.

The Nephites took to going on the offensive and when they did they failed. When the Lamanites attacked and the Nephites were in the defenses they had built around their cities the Nephites were able to successfully repel the Lamanites. Mormon later wrote a letter to his son Moroni describing how bad things had gotten: “And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue—And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery. O my beloved son, how can a people like this, that are without civilization— (And only a few years have passed away, and they were a civil and a delightsome people) But O my son, how can a people like this, whose delight is in so much abomination— How can we expect that God will stay his hand in judgment against us?” (Moroni 9:9-14)

Now, I’m not saying that the actions of the United States are to the degree of what is described above but I do see similarities in how the United States got involved in Iraq. I also see similarities in the attitude of revenge and the willingness to torture and kill others. Americans worry that having a pro-choice president will mean that the country is going to hell in a hand basket but don’t think twice about the atrocities that are sanctioned by our government overseas.

Just a quick note … I am very appreciative of our military and I am not attributing the evils that I see to the individuals in the military. I feel that it is the leaders of our country who have been irresponsible and have put our military in a compromised position. I feel that they have done this not to protect freedom as they claim but for their own gains whether that be political, financial or egotistical.

There will be future posts with the other questions but this post is quite long enough.

The Latest on the Baby Front

Yes, I had an appointment today but we didn't get to hear the baby's heartbeat. I have this big ol' fibroid on my uterous that prevents us from hearing the heartbeat. We did get to see the baby once again on the ultrasound and this time it actually looks like a baby, about the size of a grape. On the ultrasound we could see the heart beating and the baby even moved while we were watching.

It's starting to seem more real now and I guess we'll have to start telling people because the other side effect of this fibroid is that I look about 5 months pregnant even though I'm only 2 months pregnant.

Creating a Universalist Mormon

My husband and I have been talking about what traditions we want to teach our child. We both agree that there are some aspects of Mormon culture (to be distinguished from the doctrine taught in the Book of Mormon) that we do not want our child to learn.

One of these aspects that was prominent in my childhood was the tradition of excluding anything or anyone that was not "Mormon". The books in our house had to be sanctified by my parents as pro-Mormon and our friends had to be active Mormons. My husband and I don't want that life for our child, we want our child to be exposed to and appreciate all of the world's religions and all of the world's cultures. We hope that our child will have a variety of friends; we only ask that they are good kids.

The question is how do we accomplish this goal. I enjoy attending the Mormon congregation that I attend. I have friends there and I like the feeling of community that I get being part of the congregation. I have good memories of attending the children's classes and as a teenager participating in the youth activities. Just because I don't like some aspects of the Mormon culture, I don't want to discard the things that were good and beneficial.

However, if we allow our child to participate in the activities, our child is going to be exposed to the aspects of Mormon culture that we don't like. While it is going to be a challenge to ensure that our child doesn't accept the teachings that are not in line with our beliefs, we are going to have the challenge regardless. Each place our child goes, whether it be church, school or friends homes he/she is going to be exposed to beliefs with which we don't agree.

So, we'll continue to attend our Mormon congregation and make sure we are talking to our child and correcting any teachings that disagree with our beliefs. We will also take our child to the Thai Buddhist temple that we like to visit from time to time. We will probably also take our child to other congregations of other denominations. We already have a wide variety of books and our discussions among ourselves cover a number of topics that are not always pro-Mormon. The reality is that my husband and I are open and accepting so chances are that is what our child will learn.

Our desire to raise our child in an open and accepting environment is not against Mormon beliefs. This openness seems to be something that has been conveniently forgotten when it doesn't benefit the believer. Our 13th article of faith says: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."". In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that supports acceptance: "For behold, the Lord doth grant [teachers] unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true." (Alma 29:8) I added the word teachers to provide some context. If the Lord gave teachings to all nations then all religions are from the Lord and there is truth to be learned from them.

Interestingly enough a recent edition of Newsweek had an article about Huston Smith who wrote the book "The World's Religions". As Newsweek describes the book, it summarizes the most important and valuable aspects of the 8 main religions of the world. To quote Newsweek: "Smith introduced Americans to the notion that the world is full of all kinds of believers and that an educated person might learn a thing or two from another's faith." My interest was definitely peeked. I checked the book out of the library and I'm currently reading it. I'm loving it!

The Newsweek article called Huston Smith's beliefs universalism. His Universalism had a Methodist swing because he grew up Methodist. Maybe my child will be a Universalist Mormon!

We have a heartbeat and ...

Morning sickness (all day)! So, I'm feeling a little less worried and more hopeful. We only saw the heartbeat because the ultrasound was so early. The baby is nothing more than a fuzzy shape on the screen and the heartbeat is a blinking light in the middle of the fuzzy shape.

The morning sickness is annoyingly miserable so I have mixed feelings about it. I'm glad to have the symptoms that confirm I'm pregnant but I'm also not enjoying it at all.

The highest risk doesn't pass until the 10th to 12th week when we can hear the heartbeat through the doppler. Another month to go. The time seems to be going by so slowly!! A few months ago time felt like it was rushing by. Isn't it funny how our perspective changes.

Why I am Disappointed in my Country

Two things happened today. First, I received an email from my uncle that was basically a complaint to President Obama about his approach to the international community. If the email is true, Obama apologized for some of President Bush's and America's actions in a speech he gave overseas. The writer of the email felt that in doing so, President Obama made America appear weak. Of course, the sacrifices of American soldiers during World War II were brought up to say that President Obama had disgraced those sacrifices.

The second thing that happened is that I watched the movie Innocent Voices about the El Salvador civil war. The movie highlights the practice of "recruiting" young boys into the El Salvador army by following one boy as he goes through the months preceding his 12th birthday. The age of 12 is when boys are most likely to be forced into the army so their choice is to either wait until they are picked up by the El Salvador army or join the guerrillas. The US government supported the El Salvador army and even sent troops to train the army. The US troops were training these 12 year old boys to be soldiers!!

Here's a link to a PBS site with information about the El Salvador civil war: http://www.pbs.org/itvs/enemiesofwar/elsalvador2.html

There is a reason that when someone wants to point out the United States' moral superiority that they have to go back to World War II. It's because we did do something great in that war. We did free millions of people from tyranny. But what we did over 60 years ago doesn't give us the right to not take responsibility for our mistakes. We've made a number of mistakes since World War II and apologizing for those mistakes doesn't make us weak. It takes courage to apologize and try to do better. We keep making the same mistakes on the international scene because we aren't willing to admit that we've made a mistake.

I am incredibly respectful of the people who serve in our armed forces because I recognize that they are putting their lives on the line to protect our country. I also understand that there are good and bad in every group of people and it seems to me that it is the bad in the armed forces that we need to address. We need to take the stand that we cannot condone atrocities by claiming that they are necessary to protect our freedom.

Like Korea and Vietnam, our support of the El Salvador army was a tactic to try and prevent a "leftist" or "socialist" government from being installed. Apparently, we are so afraid of other ideas that we are willing to kill innocent people over it. No one knows what would have happened in Korea, Vietnam, El Salvador or any other country if we had not interfered. Maybe they would have gotten governments that were repressive but maybe they wouldn't have. With the number of people who have been killed due to our interference, who can say if any one is better off as a result of our actions. And what of the people who survived? The CIA recruited Osama Bin Laden to fight the Soviets. (http://www.globalpolicy.org/empire/terrorwar/analysis/2008/0120history.htm) How much did we contribute to the creation of the world's most well known terrorist?

I'm not advocating that we withdraw from the world and not get involved at all. What I am advocating is that we make decisions based on reason not fear. I wonder if these decisions are made with any consideration for the innocent people who are caught in the cross fire as governments fight for control over ideas. There is not just one flavor of Democracy. Democracy simply means that people choose the type of government they get. If the people choose socialism, let them do it!!

I love my country and the ideals on which it was established. I'm just tired of people using patriotism as a weapon against anyone who speaks out against human rights abuses committed by our own country. Sometimes your best friend is the person who tells you when you are being an ass.

The Irony

I am pregnant again. Only 5 weeks along so I haven't told anyone. Only my husband, of course! After the miscarriage last fall, I'm afraid that it will happen again. I have spent most of my life dreading any illness that makes me nauseous. To me the feeling of being sick to my stomach is the worst, give me pain any day. Yet, each day I am yearning for some nausea, some evidence that my hormone levels are rising and that this pregnancy will be OK. Maybe I shouldn't be nervous because my mother had babies well into her 40s but I am afraid. I am afraid of the feeling of loss that comes with a miscarriage. I am afraid of the worry that we'll never have a child and we'll grow into old crotchety people who scare the neighborhood children.

For now, I am pregnant and I unashamedly pray each night and morning that this pregnancy will last and this child will live!

My Unsung Hero

I believe that we all have at least one. Someone who did something incredible for you and you may not even know about it. My unsung hero is my older sister.

My older brother was molesting my sister every time my parents left the house. She quickly learned to hide when my parents left and stay hidden until they returned. That was until I was born. My older siblings were old enough to babysit, so my parents would leave me in their care when they went out. My sister was my primary care giver but when my parents left the house she would go into hiding as normal. My brother would then pinch me, poke me do whatever it took to get me to cry. He did this because he knew my sister would come out of her hiding place to take care of me. When she did, he tormented her and molested her.

My sister always did her best to try and protect me. I have memories as I got older of my sister standing up to my brothers when I became the target of their tormenting. She made sure that my brothers didn't have an opportunity to abuse me up until the time she got married. The brother that had molested her was also married so she hoped that I would be OK. My other brother was the one that abused me.

She didn't tell me about what she had endured until I told her about what had happened to me. As we shared our stories, it struck me that my sister spent a lot of time apologizing for not doing more. Here was a person who was no more than a child at the time and yet she took the responsibility to care for an infant and protect that child as best she could. It is because of her that the abuse I suffered was not as bad as what she suffered. No one could have expected her to do more. I can't think of anyone who is more of a hero to me. How I admire her selflessness and love her for the person that she is.

Who is your unsung hero?

Sunday Evening

Amorphous sinking dread
Sad resignation
Sunday anticipation of Monday morning
Overwhelming volumes
High expectations
Bills to pay, family to feed
Motivation to start another week

How Would I be Judged?

I have not been shy about writing about my religion and my questions about my religion. I admit that I am very confusing when it comes to religion. So, I have been very excited about exploring the community of Mormon Bloggers and enjoyed a number of their blogs. Just today I came across a blog that made me think twice about my excitement over finding this community.

Overwhelmingly Mormons are Republicans and therefore against Obama and his policies. I actually don't have a problem with someone expressing their views. I want to retain my freedom of speech and so I cannot complain about someone else who uses their right to free speech. Just for the record... I am a registered Republican but the only reason I'm still registered that way is because I'm too lazy to submit the paper work to have it changed. I feel that I am independent, which is why I'm not anxious to change my registration because I don't know what I'd change it to. In the last election, I voted for both Democrats, Republicans and quite possibly a third party candidate. I researched each candidate for the various offices and made my choice based on who I thought was the best person for the job. I really wish the two parties would just go away.

I do have a problem with outright lies and I've heard them from both sides. Because most of my family are staunch Republicans I've heard more lies about the Democrats. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that every nasty rumour about that person is true. Check your facts before you forward an email or post something to your website. I am now the annoying family member who tells everyone when they have sent out an email that is false. I'm tired of the lies and it is not a very good representation of our religion or community.

I am also tired of people justify their inflammatory and hateful remarks as standing up for their beliefs. It is possible to voice your beliefs with out being inflammatory and hateful. You can say: "I don't agree with your point of view because I believe it will lead to the following troubles ..." instead of saying the person who disagrees with you is "evil", "stupid", "perverted", etc. If we say we are Christians then we need to start behaving as such. There is a song I learned as a child that is so needed now "Jesus said love everyone treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you". Please note that it says everyone, not the people you agree with or the people who vote like your or the people who accept your religion. It says EVERYONE!

The blog that got this rant going was talking about Obama's pick for the chairmanship of the National Intelligence Council, Charles Freeman. The blog asserted that Freeman hates Israel, loves Saudi Arabia and has condoned certain human rights abuses in China. Honestly, I don't know if the specific allegations are true or false. From what I've read thus far there is not sufficient evidence. I know there are some people who would disagree with this but just because you read something on the Internet does not make it true. I want to see credible references before I consider something truth.

The justification for the bloggers statements about Freeman derive from the fact that Freeman spent time in Saudi Arabia as a US Ambassador. In my opinion, his experience living within a Muslim community would make him better experienced to understand the extreme Muslim terrorists who are hiding out in that community. From my experience traveling around the world and speaking with many people from all over the world, one of the biggest failings of the Unites States is that as a whole the people don't take the time to understand other cultures or other people. When you are a diplomat or a politician not understanding the other side is disastrous. You would make mistakes in judgement because your judgement is based on an incorrect understanding.

I am truely disgusted with this tendancy to assume that just because a person has connections with a particular country that they are not patriotic Americans. It seems that our fellow countrymen are acting jealously. Reading these kinds of assumtions from a fellow Mormon is even more disheartening because so many of our young men and women serve missions around the world. The common theme when they return is how much they "grew to love the people" of the country where they served. Don't they think that an ambassador may experience the same feelings towards the people of the country where he or she served? There are wonderful and good people everywhere in the world. When you take the time to learn about them, to talk with them and to be a part of their community, you understand things from their perspective and some times you come to realize that your previous assumptions were wrong.

I look at how Obama was judged for time he lived outside the United States and how Charles Freeman is being judged for his association with other countries and I wonder how I would be judged if I were running for public office. I am Mormon so there are people who would judge me unacceptable on that fact alone. I have spent time in Indonesia so maybe I'm really Muslim. I've spent even more time in Thailand and I occasionally attend the Buddhist temple in Miami so perhaps I'm really Buddhist. I have friends who are gay and lesbian and I feel that there should be some type of civil union available to them (let's separate church and state on this issue please). I support a woman's right to choose abortion although I don't believe it should be used as a form of birth control. I don't like abortion but until a law can be developed that protects the woman as much as the unborn child I think the better option is to leave the decision in the hands of the woman. Why don't we have more sex education then perhaps fewer people would be seeking abortions because they would know how to avoid getting pregnant in the first place. I could go on and on with all the things that someone out there could judge me on. I'm sure there are people who think I'm going to hell for sure. I'm certainly not likely to get elected.

What is a Hero?

In the days following the inauguration, I've been thinking about heroes. I know that Barack Obama has become a hero to many people already. Just getting elected to be the president is a massive achievement and I hope that this will be a great presidency. Not so much because I believe that Barack Obama will solve all our problems. I hope it is a great presidency because this country needs to get back on track. I think Mr. Obama is a good man trying to do good things but I know that a president isn't all powerful. To actually change things will require cooperation throughout the government. My hope is that Mr. Obama will be able to facilitate that cooperation.

My thoughts about heroes reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend. She is from Trinidad and her husband is from China. Her children are sometimes teased at school because they look different and she finds it a challenge to find people her children can look up to. Sure there are great people throughout the world and throughout history but I think everyone would like to look at that spectrum of great people and see someone who looks like them and has the same background as them.

I didn't always think that it mattered to me until I was reading a book by Cokie Roberts called "Our Mothers Daughters". In that book Cokie wrote about an interview she did with Esther Peterson. As I read about the great accomplishments of this "Mormon Girl" who moved out of Utah and married someone who wasn't Mormon, I felt something that I have never felt before. It was a mixture of pride, confirmation and exhilaration. I was proud of what Esther had accomplished and it was as if her accomplishments validated my life decisions because she had made the same decisions and she succeeded. I was thrilled to find someone who looked like me and had the same background as me in that spectrum of great people.

I immediately put Esther Peterson's memoir on my wish list at Amazon. Why I didn't just buy it I'm not sure. The only thing I can think of is that I'm always reading 3 or 4 books at the time and I probably thought I should wait and buy it once I've finished reading the books I have already started. Thankfully a friend bought it for me and I devoured the book. I was reading it in the carpool to and from work and when I read about some particularly impressive accomplishment I shared it with my fellow carpoolers. They probably thought I was crazy.

So, I'm going to share some of the things about Esther Peterson that I think are really great. I'd like to do more posts about other people that I think are just wonderful. I find it so difficult to make time to post as it is that I'll just have to see how it goes.

First, how is Esther Peterson like me? Well, she grew up in a very conservative Mormon family in a conservative Mormon community. In her memoirs Esther wrote of some of the things that weren't great about the Mormon community and the things that were wonderful. I could relate to and appreciate her balanced look at what it is to grow up in Utah. I loved how she treasured and exemplified the good things about the Mormon culture and how she simply dropped the bad things from her life. This is something I try to do every day.

How reassuring it was to read about the questions she had regarding Mormonism. I wanted to stand up and shout "I'm not alone"! Esther also escaped the confines of strict Mormon society by moving east and eventually marrying someone who was not Mormon.

I may not achieve the level of success that Esther Peterson achieved. I will be happy to live a full life and live in a way that I am true to my beliefs and ideals. You may be wondering what makes this woman so great. Well, how often do you use the nutrition labels on a package of food? You have the reliable information about the food you eat because of Esther's work as a consumer advocate. What about the clothing labels that tell you what's in the clothing and how to clean it? How about the requirement that advertisements be truthful and pricing be understandable? There are so many things that consumers in the US take for granted that exist because of Esther Peterson. In her later years she worked at the United Nations trying to ensure that materials banned in the US for health reasons were not used in products which were shipped overseas. She was always looking out for everyone.

Esther also did a lot for workers and in particular women. Today, I hear a lot of complaints about unions and I have a few of my own. The pendulum has swung so far in favor of unions that workers who are part of unions abuse the system sometimes. When Esther was getting started in her career the pendulum was in favor of the employer and they were abusing their employees. Esther organized people into unions with the intent that together they could fight for fair wages and fair treatment. She was really good at finding something that worked for both the employer and the employees. During Kennedy's presidency, Esther headed the Women's Bureau in the Department of Labor and she worked to improve working conditions and get equal pay. She also ensured that a job could not be designated for "men only". Esther also started the work that lead to the laws regarding occupational safety and health.

There are so many things, I could go on and on. I'll let you read Esther's book "Restless" and enjoy her entire story for yourself.

So, who are your heroes and what makes that person a hero to you?

To Believe or Not To Believe

It seems that every few years I have a trial of my faith; or lack of faith perhaps. There are somethings that I don't imagine I'd ever stop believing because of experiences that forged the beliefs so strongly. One such belief is that there is a God. Although, I believe there is a God, I also recognize that I could be wrong. I'm sure that seems very confusing but the definition of Faith in Hebrews 11:1 is: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So, I don't think I am wrong to recognize that I don't know if there is a God even though I believe that there is.

Lately as I have gone through some personal difficulties, I have returned to thoughts about God that trouble me. Is he a loving God or is he a vengeful God? Is he really involved in our lives or does he just stand back and let things happen as they will? Is God a he or a she? Maybe God is both? Will I go to hell for entertaining so many questions about God?

Any one who recognizes their own weaknesses wants to believe in a loving and forgiving God. For such a God would love them despite their weaknesses. I fall into this category. I want to believe that God will forgive my doubts and understand my less than perfect life in light of my weaknesses. I want to believe that he/she will accept my life and the good that I'm able to do with out worrying so much about the rituals that I don't understand and therefore don't participate in.

It is in times of personal difficulties that I begin to wonder about this God of vengeance. Punishment for sin was something that was deeply ingrained as a child and so the idea that my difficulties are a punishment is always present. The fear of God's punishment kept me from doing many things. It didn't, however, keep my brothers from abusing me. I had a conversation recently with my mother in which I mentioned this abuse. I hadn't talked to her about it since I was 12 years old when I told her what one of my brothers was doing to me. She did confronted my brother with my accusation and he denied it. My brother was sent on his way while my mother gave me advice on what I should do to avoid the abuse. From then on, if I complained about something my brothers did, the response was "What did you do to provoke it?" So, I came to feel that the abuse was my fault. That I was the one who was sinning. It has taken many years and a couple of mental health professionals to help me move past the self-blame and -loathing that resulted from my mother's recriminations.

So recently, my mother was wondering why I am so adamant about the role of women in society and I remind her of the abuse I suffered as a child. Her response was to say that my brother who I accused so many years ago now has a loving wife and family and I need to learn to forgive him. On one hand, I imagine my mother was trying to tell me to let past hurts go. And I do agree that holding a grudge only hurts the person holding it. I feel that she was also telling me not to ruin my brother's life by exposing his past. There is no acknowledgement of how my life has been affected by my brother's actions. There is no understanding that this is more that just forgiving my brother. It is an ongoing process of healing a broken soul.

With all the many years that have passed and the counselors who have taught me how to cope, one statement from my mother brings me to tears and reminds me how lonely and afraid I was at 12 years old. It was at that time when I realized that I could not rely on anyone to protect me. Given how deeply these experiences have affected me, it is any wonder that I would want to improve the lot of all women? Is it surprising that I would want to do all that I can to stop abuse and end the cycle of misery?

Along with my anger regarding my mother's defense of my brother, there is anger at God. Why would he allow these things to continue when I prayed so sincerely for relief? Now, I have been taught that God must allow everyone their agency to chose good or evil. So, maybe God did not stop the abuse because my brother had to freely choose good over evil. My brother obviously failed that test. So God may not force an individual to chose good, but shouldn't a church supposedly lead and directed by God be setup in such a fashion that it encourages and trains it's members to make good choices?

The church to which I belong is a very patriarchal church. The men hold the priesthood and women are taught to be subject to them. There are scriptures and such that emphasize that men are not to abuse their priesthood power but there always seem to be other scriptures that can be used as justification when a man does abuse his power. It is my personal belief that this inequality promotes the maltreatment of women. Now, I recognize that the majority of men in my church love their wives and treat them kindly. The older men although kind to their wives still hold onto the "head of the household" status and expect to be obeyed by their wives. The younger men seem to be embracing the partnership model of marriage more and more. However, there are still rules that must not be broken. Women are not to work outside the home unless there are extenuating circumstances. Women and girls don't hold the priesthood.

Holding the priesthood is such a privilege that women will say how grateful they are to have the priesthood in their home because they have a husband or son who holds the priesthood. Since a daughter can not hold the priesthood, she is relegated to a position of second-best. A parent may express their gratitude for having a daughter but it isn't the same because she can not bring to the home the valued priesthood which a son could. When a daughter is seen as second-best whether conciously or sub-conciously, it will happen that the son's welfare will be given a higher priority to the daughter. This is where the maltreatment comes in. It may be sub-concious but it is there and results in men who feel justified in their abuse of women and women who don't have the self esteem to know they deserve better.

Would a loving God intentionally place such a division between His sons and daughters? In Acts 10:34 Peter says "Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons" If this is true that God loves His daughters the same as His sons and it was never His intention to exclude His daughters or make them feel second-best.

In this trial of faith, I wonder how I can stay true to the beliefs I hold dear and still remain a member of a church that seems at odds to those beliefs. An easy solution would be to find another church that I can attend. I have actually attended other churches and in each one I have found this or that belief that doesn't sit well with me. Another thought is to stop attending church and worship in my own way at home. I happen to be a very social person and I like the community that I am part of when I attend church. Actually, there are a number of women in my congregation who share my beliefs about women. We are the closeted feminists hiding amongst the staunch patriarchal believers. Bigger than that is that fact that despite my concerns and lack of faith, I believe that the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ is true. I believe that the Book of Mormon is true. It's all the other stuff that is added on that I question and doubt. What of it is true and what is mankind's own creation to supply divine justification for actions and beliefs?

I sympathize with the father who brought his child to be healed by Jesus ...
"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:23-24)